


Vienna

by HeartSabers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 13 Going On 30 Fusion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Domestic Fluff, Drunkenness, Emotional Constipation, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Happily Ever After, Happy Ending, Huddling For Warmth, Loss of Parent(s), Mutual Pining, Pining, Self-Destructive Behavior, Smut, Underage Drinking, self-destructive thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24095584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartSabers/pseuds/HeartSabers
Summary: Ben Solo wakes up one day with many questions running through his head.Whose apartment is this?Why doesn't this person own anything but black suits?Why do people keep calling him Kylo Ren?Why does the newspaper say it's 2020 when it's 2006?Most importantly, where's his best friend Rey, and can she forgive him for all the things he said last night?***An angsty 13 Going On 30 AU that wouldn't leave my head, so I had to write it.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 512
Kudos: 955





	1. All of me

**Author's Note:**

> CW/TW: This fic contains mentions and depictions of drunkenness, alcohol abuse, underage drinking*, alcohol as a coping mechanism, self-destructive behavior/thoughts and mourning, as well as a main character death.
> 
> *Ben and Rey are both 18 at the beginning of the story, so not underage in most countries, but I know many of you are from the US, so just making sure I tag that properly! If you spot anything at all that’s missing from the tags/warnings, please let me know! 
> 
> This is a 13 going on 30 AU, so there will be fluff, some humor and a tooth-rottingly sweet happy ending where everything’s good and nothing hurts, but the story will be considerably angstier than the original movie. Bear that in mind if you decide to keep reading! 
> 
> The title’s obviously inspired by [Vienna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wccRif2DaGs), by Billy Joel – not to be mistaken for Billie Joe, although there will be a ton of Green Day references in this fic. Sorry, not sorry. 
> 
> Chapter names inspired by classic late 90’s/early 2000’s songs ‘cause I’m an old hag.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
> When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
> And I held your hand through all of these years  
> But you still have all of me
> 
> [ My Immortal, ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo) Evanescence (2003)

The rain wasn’t falling in heavy sheets. Not yet.

It would soon enough, judging by the ominous shade of gray of the clouds in the horizon and by the cold, damp wind flailing at Ben’s face, but right now it was still just a thin, icy drizzle. 

It prickled the exposed skin of his arms as it fell, a million tiny needles nipping at his flesh as if trying to yank him out of his stupor.

To no avail, of course.

He tried closing his eyes, but that seemed to make the world start spinning in all different directions at the same time. It made the swimming in his head infinitely worse, so he opened them again, watching the drizzle-sprinkled grass go in and out of focus before him.

The swing whined and creaked when he pushed the ground with his feet – just an inch, but enough to make the shapes around him dissolve in a whirlwind of gray, green, and bright red. It made his stomach convulse, so he stopped the barely-there swaying by planting the soles of his Chucks into the muddy grass again.

**_Take away the sensation inside_** , a man crooned into his ear, making him huff out a sarcastic chuckle. **_Bittersweet migraine in my head._**

When he rested the side of his face against the chain holding the ancient swing, the smell of impending rain and bad vodka mixed in with that of rusting metal. It made his stomach clench again. 

**_It’s like a throbbing toothache of the mind._ **

**_I can’t take this feeling anymore._ **

****

A tear prickled the corner of his eye, scorching against the icy drizzle, and he rushed to wipe it away.

Leaning heavily against the swing, he blinked a few times, which caused a massive red blur to his left to start flitting into focus. His eyes turned towards it, bleary and heavy, to find the jungle gym standing proudly against the gray backdrop of a storm-brewing sky.

_“Can you do this?”_

_He barely had time to register the defiant, delighted glimmer in Rey’s eyes before she fell backwards._

_His shoulders tensed immediately, arms preparing to reach out and grab her, but she squealed in joy when her body started to swing upside down, the red bar firmly secured behind her knees, hands holding the dirty tips of her sun-yellow Chucks._

_“Rey!” he said, half scandalized, half amused, unable to repress the lilt of laughter in his voice._

_There was no laughter in Maz’s tone when she screamed, though._

_“Rey! You stop that right now, you could break your neck, for Christ’s sake!”_

_When Ben glanced over at the voice, he found the tiny woman standing several feet away, hands on her hips, seemingly having just jumped up from the bench on which she’d been sitting with his mother. He could tell Leia was trying to bite back the amused twitch on her lips. It made him smile._

_“Sorry, mom,” Rey said, smiling brightly as she pulled herself back up. “Ben wanted to see it.”_

_“No I didn’t!” he said indignantly, eyes jumping back and forth from Maz to Rey._

_“Yes, you did. You just didn’t know it.” Then she scrunched up her nose, and it was futile, trying to be mad at her when her freckles were moving around like that._

_“Behave, you two! Or we’re going back home,” he heard his mother say in the same tone she’d use whenever she was trying not to laugh at something his father had said._

_“Yes, Ms. Organa! Sorry. Ben’s impossible today,” Rey said over her shoulder, making him frown again._

_“Hey!”_

_“What? You are!” she replied as she turned back around, hands firmly wrapped around the red bar in front of her._

_The narrow metal was starting to bite into the backs of Ben’s legs, but he’d never admit it. Not out loud._

_Not in front of her._

_“Hey did you know squids have brains shaped like doughnuts?”_

_“What?” Ben laughed, furrowing his brow. “No, they don’t.”_

_“They do,” Rey insisted, nodding solemnly. “Saw it on TV.”_

_“Mom says I shouldn’t believe everything I hear on the TV.”_

_“But it was on Discovery Channel.”_

_That made him stop and think, and he was about to ask her if she was planning on watching shark week when she started swinging her legs with a long sigh._

_“I could really use a doughnut right now.”_

_“We could stop by for some.”_

_“Nah,” Rey shook her head, pursing her lips as she looked back at him. “Almost lunch time. Mom won’t let me.”_

_“She will if mine says it’s okay. Hey, mom!” he called, cupping his hand next to his mouth to ensure the sound would travel far enough. “Can we get some doughnuts?”_

_“Ben, it’s almost lunch time.”_

_“Please?”_

_The small, resigned smile Leia had on her lips when she looked over at Maz told Ben they’d won, so he smiled proudly, turning his attention back to Rey._

_“Doesn’t your mom work Saturdays too?” she asked, picking at the peeling red paint that coated the metal jungle gym._

_“Day off today,” he replied with a small shrug. “She just got a big case, though, so after next week it should be… You know? Back to normal.”_

_“Yeah,” Rey nodded, nipping her lower lip. “You can go to my place after school if you want to. Do homework, watch TV.”_

_“I think my dad will be around next week,” Ben answered, doing his best to sound nonchalant. “Spend a couple weeks at home. Says he’ll take me flying on Saturday.”_

_“That’s so cool.” Rey grinned, propping her chin on her hands, fingers still wrapped around the metal bar._

_“Yeah.” His eyes darted instinctively towards the sky, squinting at the glaring morning sun._

_A comfortable stretch of silence followed, filled only by the rustling leaves behind them and the merry chirping of a kiskadee._

_“You can come if you want to,” he finally said, feeling his ears burn as he looked down. “Flying.”_

_Rey smiled wide at that – one of the bright smiles that seemed to make the day around him shine golden._

_“That’d be cool. But I’m going to Jakku on Saturday.”_

_“What?” Ben barely noticed the painful dig of cold metal behind his thighs as he sat up straight, a furrow between his brows. “Why?”_

_Rey shrugged, hazel eyes shining almost green in bright daylight._

_“Mom managed to track down the papers. We’re gonna pick them up.”_

_“No way!” he said, a wide smile blooming across his face. “That’s awesome!”_

_“Yeah.” She shrugged again, smiling as she sat up. “Hope it works out.”_

_“It will.” Ben nodded, swinging his legs in the air absentmindedly. “You nervous?”_

_“A bit, yeah.”_

_“You haven’t been back there since?”_

_Rey’s smile faltered ever so slightly. Ben wouldn’t have even noticed, hadn’t he memorized it so well._

_“No. Not since I left.”_

_“Right.”_

_They sat in silence for another long moment, and Ben’s eyes shot down to his feet, watching his shoelaces dangle several feet above the ground._

_“It’ll be fine,” he finally said, glancing up at her again. Rey was leaning back, still holding onto the jungle gym, her gaze fixed on the clouds._

_She didn’t look down when she nodded, but the corners of her lips curled up into an almost-smile._

_“Yeah. It will.”_

_“Look over here, you two!” Ben heard Maz call. When he glanced over at the bench, she was standing up, holding her trusty Polaroid camera._

_“Mom,” Rey whined, brows furrowed. “Not now!”_

_“C’mon,” Leia said, crossing her arms over her chest as she jerked her head towards Maz. “No picture, no doughnuts.”_

_Ben and Rey exchanged one last resigned look, shaking their heads before both turned to smile at the camera._

**_Drain the pressure from the swelling._** The sound of the drums bounced around in his skull, making his temples throb. **_This sensation’s overwhelming._**

“Ben.”

Her voice was barely audible over the sound of the music, but he could see her standing there in his peripheral vision, so he _knew_ it was her voice.

Then again, he would have probably been able to tell without even seeing her, just from the way the sound of his name on her lips made his skin bump.

**_Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright._ **

****

“Leave me alone,” he rasped, refusing to look up and meet the disappointment he knew he’d find in her eyes. 

**_Tell me that I won’t feel a thing._ **

**_So give me Novacaine._ **

****

“Ben,” she said again, gently removing one of his earbuds.

“Hey!”

“Ben, look at me.”

When he finally raised his eyes, what he found on her face was way worse than disappointment.

“Please come home with me.” Her voice was little more than a broken murmur, strained by the tears streaming down her cheeks. “ _Please_. Come with me. Take a cold shower before your mom gets home. I’ll…” She sniffled, pressing her lips together to stifle a teary sigh. “I’ll make you something to eat. You don’t have to… I won’t –”

“I said _leave me the fuck alone_ ,” he slurred, making to stand up in one swift movement.

The ground spun and wobbled beneath his feet when he moved, and he held onto the chains on either side of his body, stumbling backwards.

Rey’s delicate hands closed around his upper arms to steady him a second before he fell back down onto the wooden seat of the swing, causing the entire iron structure above his head to whine and rattle. 

While he sat there for a moment, breathing heavily, the rain finally started to pick up speed. The drops on his skin grew colder and heavier, and soon enough his shirt was clinging to his heated skin like a drenched, icy shroud.

He could barely tell raindrops and tears apart when he looked up at Rey again, watching her hazel eyes go in and out of focus.

Her hands felt impossibly soft when they brushed his drenched hair away from his face and then moved down to cup his cheeks.

It wasn’t the first time she’d touched him like that. She’d done it once in that very same playground; on that very same swing; under a downpour tinged the same shade of gray.

 _Two months_. Had it been just two months?

It felt like a lifetime ago.

“ _Ben?_ ”

_The second he heard her voice, he turned his head away from the sound by pure instinct, his hand darting to his face to wipe the tears on his cheek._

_Her footsteps sounded soft as she approached, and he sniffed, rubbing his nose before he finally turned to face her._

_He hated her dress._

_Not that she didn’t look good in it. She seemed to be virtually incapable of looking bad in anything – she’d looked stunning dressed as a rock for a school play, for crying out loud – but she always looked more like herself in her borderline obnoxiously colorful clothes. Her bright yellow sundress, her neon green hoody, the orange crop top she loved wearing under her denim dungarees: they all suited her, as if channeling this incandescent light she always seemed to emanate from within._

_So, no, he didn’t really hate her in anything, but seeing her in all black made his stomach plummet in the weirdest of ways._

_She just stood there for a second, red-rimmed eyes locked with his, her nose pink and swollen, until she extended her hand._

_“You forgot this.”_

_His eyes darted down to find her fingers wrapped around the worn-out leather strap of an old, battered watch._

_“I didn’t,” he answered. He shook his head as he said it, but his eyes refused to look away. “I don’t want it.”_

_“It’s yours,” she said softly, inching closer as if approaching a wounded animal._

_“No,” he retorted, a little more sharply than he’d intended to. Looking up at her, he shook his head again. “No, it’s not. It’s his.”_

_“He wanted you to have it, Ben.”_

_Her voice was soft, and so were her eyes when she looked down at him, now standing right in front of the old swing on which he was sitting. She didn’t seem to notice the cold rain starting to rustle the leaves of the surrounding trees. If she did, she didn’t care._

_“I don’t want it,” he repeated, his voice hoarse. “I don’t want to look down when I’m putting on a CD or writing an essay or tying my shoes and see it and … And think that –”_

_“That he’s with you,” Rey whispered, a fresh tear trickling down her skin. “That he’ll always be with you. That’s what he wanted. He wanted you to know.”_

_Ben just stared at her in silence, lips pressed together, mustering every last bit of self-control in his body not to break down._

_She seemed to notice the effort he was making. It had always been her superpower – seeing right through him._

_There was a soft smile on her face when she reached down to grab his hand. She squeezed it gently before she knelt in front of him, throwing him another reassuring smile before she secured the strap around his wrist._

_When he looked down at the watch and moved it around to feel the weight, the old glass covering the ticking hands caught whatever little sunlight had managed to seep through the heavy clouds, reflecting it back to him._

_He was still looking down at it – at the worn-out brown leather, the opaqueness of the golden metal body, the raindrops dotting the glass – when she stood up again and brought her hands to his face._

_His heart stuttered and then raced inside his chest when she cupped his cheeks, caressing his cheekbones with her thumbs as she guided his gaze to hers._

_“You’re not alone,” she whispered. One of her tears fell onto his shoulder. Or was it a raindrop? Hard to tell. “I’m here for you. Always. Okay?”_

_When the first sob ripped its way up his throat, she pulled him closer, and his arms wrapped around her waist as if guided by some invisible force. Fate. Love. Probably pain._

_Her fingers snaked gently through his hair, caressing his scalp and holding him close while his tears drenched a black dress that didn’t do her light justice._

Her touch felt the same, now, but her eyes looked different. More haunted. Sadder, if that was even possible. He tightened his grip on the whining chains when her thumb swept a tear from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t need your pity,” he said through gritted teeth, clenching his jaw defiantly.

“Not pity,” she said without hesitation. “Love.” A small, teary smile pulled at the corners of her lips when she cocked her head. “I love you, Ben.”

The words cut through his drunken haze like bright sunlight cutting through thick, heavy clouds drenched with rain. They shone upon him, warm and golden, making his breath catch in his throat.

And then she finished the sentence.

“You’re my best friend.”

The clouds closed again, gray and dreary, and in a second all sunlight was gone.

Her best friend, of course. Like a brother, she’d told him once, years ago.

Just that. Nothing more. Never more.

He couldn’t help the puff of air that escaped his lips in the shape of disdain.

“Right.”

She furrowed her brow, and it made the freckles on her forehead move around. They were smaller, much less noticeable than the ones scattered over her nose, but they were there. He’d know. He’d memorized them all.

“ _Aren’t_ you my best friend?”

“Sure, Rey,” he drawled, moving to stand up again. “Whatever you say.”

“Ben.”

The iron structure of the swing set rattled when he wobbled on his feet, holding onto the chains, but he managed not to fall back this time.

“Ben, please,” she whispered, craning her neck to look up at him.

When had she started doing that? They’d been roughly the same height for so long.

It felt good, towering over her, he thought idly as he held her teary gaze. It felt like he’d be able to fit her perfectly into his arms if she wanted him to.

She didn’t, of course.

“Please,” she echoed, a tear making its way around her trembling lips. “I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

“Well, then don’t fucking look.”

Thunder roared in the distance when he pressed his lips together and turned around to make his way back to the street, his footsteps squishing on fresh mud.

“Your dad wouldn’t want you like this.”

The words made him stop dead in his tracks, breathing heavily. He wiped a hand down his face, swiping away rain and tears, before he turned around to face her again.

“We wouldn’t know, would we?” he grated out, working his lips. “He’s dead.”

“Ben –”

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, REY,” he bellowed, and it echoed through the rain-soaked air around them. “He’s gone. _Gone_ , like he’s always been, but now it’s for good, so _excuse me_ for not giving _two fucks_ about what he wanted.”

He fumbled with the strap of the watch on his wrist as he spoke, but he didn’t look down at it. His eyes were fixed on hers.

“And you know what?” He staggered a little when he took a step towards her, lips pursed with disdain. Rey flinched when the watch hit the ground right next to her feet, partially sinking into the mud. “I don’t give a fuck about what my mom wants, either. Or uncle Chewie. Or _you_. I just wish you’d all leave me the fuck alone.”

The rain was finally falling in sheets, now, drenching him to the bone; making him shiver as his wet clothes and soaked hair clung to his skin. Rey shuddered, too. Because of the rain; because of his words. He’d never know.

“I wish you’d all disappear.”

“You’re hurting.” Her murmur was barely audible over the sound of the raging storm. “You’re drunk, and you’re hurting. So I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that; I’m going to take you home and tomorrow we can –”

“Why would you do that?” he spat again, taking another step towards her. “Why would you pretend I didn’t say it when I did? When I fucking _mean it_?”

Watching her shoulders shake as she sobbed and not being able to hold her felt a lot like the pounding headache he’d get after drinking himself unconscious: the pain he _knew_ he deserved; the agony he _knew_ he was supposed to be feeling.

In more ways than one, it felt like justice. 

“Leave me alone,” he finally rasped, taking two unsteady steps back. “Don’t come looking for me.”

The world went in and out of focus when he turned around, and he stopped for a second, waiting for it to go still before he started to make his way towards the street.

The rain lashed against his face as he walked down the road, but he didn’t mind it, nor did he mind the long shudders that shook his body every now and then. The cold made his brain a little less foggy; made words and colors and shapes a little less blurry; so he looked down to let the storm fall on the back of his head, hands in his pockets, listening to the heavy raindrops stomping the asphalt around him.

His shoes looked muddy and soaked, but they were all he could look at as he walked, letting his unsteady legs drag him wherever they wanted to go.

He had no right to be looking at crisp green trees glistening with rain; at colorful flowers in gardens drinking up every last drop of life; at luminous lightning flashing in the sky and painting black clouds white for a split second.

He had no right to be looking at anything beautiful. He had no right to be _thinking_ about anything beautiful.

He had no right to be thinking of Rey.

Tears kept coming as he walked, scorching against the icy droplets trickling down his face, and he let them fall freely, now that he was alone.

He wouldn’t have been able to tell how long he’d walked with his head down, listening to the sound of his shoes grinding against glistening asphalt, but by the time he looked up again he realized he was on his street.

That’s where his legs wanted to be, then. So be it.

He kicked a pebble to the curb as another shudder rippled across his flesh, and then shoved his hands deeper into his pockets before he started to make for his house.

The darkness in the windows told him his mother wasn’t home yet, so he jogged up the front steps and opened the door unceremoniously, not bothering being silent.

Heavy droplets of water painted dark circles onto the hardwood floor as he walked towards the stairs, and then onto the carpet as he climbed them two at a time, leaving a trail of mud behind him.

Before his bedroom door had even slammed shut, he was already collapsing on his bed, soaking wet, shaking from head to toe. His head spun when he closed his eyes, and he knew opening them would make it better, but he didn’t do it.

He buried his face in his pillow instead, letting it muffle the long sobs clawing their way up his throat.

Heavy tears slid down his temple when he turned to his side and hugged the pillow to his chest, finally opening his eyes again.

The world outside his window was foggy and gray; so dark he could barely see the posters that covered every inch of the walls.

_“Now can I put it on?”_

_“Rey, wait! It’s the tradition!”_

_When Ben glanced over his shoulder, Rey was standing next to the stereo, album in hand, tapping her foot impatiently on the floor._

_“Well, hurry up, then!” she said, pressing the button to open de CD slot. “I wanna listen to it!”_

_There was a small smile on his lips when he turned back around, smoothing his hand over the poster he’d just put up._

_When it felt like the tape had adhered to the wall well enough, he took two steps back, checking for symmetry._

_It looked perfect, so he smiled at the hand holding a red heart shaped like a hand grenade, giving it a satisfied nod._

_“Done! C’mon, turn up the volume!”_

_“On it, on it,” Rey chanted excitedly as he sat down on the rug, eyeing her expectantly._

_Her side profile was framed by the bright autumn day peeking in through the window, and she smiled brightly as she placed the CD in the slot. Her chestnut hair eclipsed her face for a moment as she looked down, and she tucked it behind her ear as she hit play._

_“C’mon, hurry up!” Ben called, and she smiled as she jogged towards him, taking the spot next to his on the blue shaggy rug._

_They exchanged one last look as the sound of an electric guitar filled up the room, and then plopped back on the floor with huge smiles on their faces when it was joined by the drums and bass._

_“To Junior Year,” Rey said as she fished two sour brite crawlers from the bag and handed one over to Ben._

_“To Junior Year,” he echoed, smiling as they toasted with the candy and tilted their heads back to drop the worms into their mouths._

_“God, how do you like this shit?” Ben laughed, cringing at the sourness on his tongue._

_“Shut up. It’s the best candy.”_

_“Remind me why I hang out with you again?”_

_“’Cause you love me.”_

_When he looked over at her, she was fishing another worm out of the bag, staring at the ceiling with a huge smile on her face._

_I do, he should have said, but he didn’t, because he knew that’s not what she meant. He just looked at her instead, admiring the outlines of her perfect face moving as she chewed._

_“Another one?” she finally asked, turning her head to look at him as she offered him the bag._

_Ben grimaced, but grabbed one anyway._

_“God, this album’s good,” he said as he chewed._

_“Not as good as Dookie.”_

_“How can you tell? It’s the first track.”_

_“Then how can you tell it’s good?”_

_He knew that glint in her eyes – the one that would settle there whenever she knew she’d just proved him wrong. It made it impossible for him to disagree with anything she said._

_“How ‘bout we wait ‘til the end to vote?”_

_“Yeah.” She smiled as she popped another crawler into her mouth. “An hour ‘til you admit Dookie’s superior.”_

_“Fifty-seven minutes, twelve seconds,” he corrected, sliding his hands behind his head._

_“Okay, nerd.”_

_Ben chuckled, reaching for another worm as the first song faded, announcing the beginning of the second one._

_“Speaking of nerd,” Rey said after a moment, turning to her side. Pushing up on her elbow, she propped her head on her hand, nibbling on a bright yellow piece of candy. “Have you decided?”_

_“College?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_He tried to keep his eyes from darting down to her mouth as she licked her fingers clean._

_“I think I’ll try Law School.”_

_“Coruscant?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Like your mom.”_

_With a small smile, he licked some sugar off his lower lip, grimacing at the sourness. It made Rey chuckle._

_“Yeah,” he finally replied as he swallowed. “Like my mom.”_

_“You thinking criminal law, too?”_

_“No.” He shook his head as he turned to his side, pushing up on his elbow just like her. “No, I don’t think so. I was thinking human rights. Something to do with refugees.”_

_“Sounds fancy,” she chuckled, nibbling on her lower lip. “It suits you.”_

_“’Cause I’m fancy?”_

_“’Cause you’re smart. And good. And swanky.”_

_“Swanky?” Ben laughed, his eyebrows shooting up in indignation._

_“Swanky,” Rey confirmed, nodding emphatically. “I can see you working for the UN or some shit, rocking fancy suits.”_

_“They do have a High Commissioner for Refugees.”_

_“Yeah?” She raised an eyebrow, shooting him a teasing smile. “And where does the High Commissioner live?”_

_“Vienna, I think.”_

_“That’s far.”_

_The smile was still on her lips, but something sad flashed across her eyes as she said that. Then again, Ben may have imagined it, because it was gone in an instant._

_“You still set on social work?” he asked._

_“Yeah.”_

_“It’s settled, then.” He smiled, propping his own head on his closed fist. “We’re going to Vienna together.”_

_“Together?”_

_On the stereo, Billie Joe started to croon something softer. Slower. A ballad._

**_Starry nights, city lights coming down over me,_ ** _he sang._

**_Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head._ **

_“Yeah,” Ben murmured. “We could walk around. Do some sightseeing. See if they have good candy.”_

**_Are we, we are, are we, we are the waiting unknown_ **

**_This dirty town is burning down in my dreams._ **

**_Lost and found, city bound in my dreams._ **

_Rey smiled brightly, her eyes flickering down to his lips. As if she wanted to –_

_“Would we live together?”_

_“I mean, we could,” Ben said, a small furrow forming between his brows. “We talked about being roommates in college, didn’t we?”_

_Her gaze darted back up to his eyes, and she swallowed._

_“Roommates. Yeah. That’d be cool.”_

**_Forget me nots, second thoughts, live in isolation_ **

**_Heads or tails and fairytales in my mind._ **

_“You have some sugar on…” She gestured to the corner of her own lips, her gaze flitting down to his mouth again._

_“Here?”_

_“No, the other side. Lemme…”_

_Ben’s entire body tensed up when her thumb moved towards his mouth and gently swept its corner, her fingers lingering on his skin for a seemingly endless moment._

**_Are we, we are, are we, we are the waiting unknown._ **

**_The rage and love, the story of my life._ **

_It would have been so easy. Just a few inches and he could have closed the distance between them; pressed his lips to hers, tasted the sour sweetness coating her tongue._

_The mere thought of her pushing him away with a mortified look on her face, like he knew she would, made his brain cringe so hard it must have shown on his face, because she pulled her hand away almost immediately._

_“There,” she whispered with a small smile. “Got it.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_By the time he plopped back onto his back, staring at the ceiling, track five was over._

Ben buried his face into his pillow again, stifling another dry sob. His sheets were already soaked through – soaked through and ice cold, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. His body was so heavy with tears and alcohol and grief it felt like it was made of led, and it didn’t take long for him to sink into a dense, restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two Green Day songs directly quoted in this chapter – [ Give me Novacaine ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKAwIwjHwZI) and [ Are We the Waiting ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HXa2gVj4mg), both from American Idiot (2004).
> 
> I don’t think I’ve ever been this anxious about posting a fic, and I don’t even know why. All 10 chapters have already been written, so the fic will be updating every Saturday (maybe twice a week, if you guys are interested? Let me know!) Comments always make my day, so please let me know how you feel? 
> 
> Love your faces <3


	2. Extraordinary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's an extraordinary girl  
> In an ordinary world  
> And she can't seem to get away
> 
> He lacks the courage in his mind  
> Like a child left behind  
> Like a pet left in the rain
> 
> She's all alone again  
> Wiping the tears from her eyes
> 
> Some days he feels like dying  
> She gets so sick of crying
> 
> [ Extraordinary Girl ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hctq2W1z7Kc), Green Day (2004)

_“All buckled up there, kiddo?”_

_Ben tugged at the seatbelt across his chest to ensure it was properly buckled, and then nodded, smiling brightly at his father._

_It earned him one of Han’s lopsided grins._

_“Good. Very good. You hear me alright?”_

_“Yeah,” Ben answered, fixing the headset that insisted on sliding down, still way too big for his head._

_“Permission to take off, then?”_

_Sunlight glinted off the golden frame of his father’s aviators as Ben nodded again, showing him two thumbs up._

_“Okay, here we go!”_

_It didn’t matter how many times they did this, it was always thrilling – seeing the nose of the plane align perfectly with the long yellow stripe painted on the runway; watching the blades of the propeller pick up speed through the dirty glass of the front window; feeling his stomach lurch backwards as the craft lost contact with the ground, hovering above dark concrete for a moment before it wobbled into a slow ascent._

_And, of course, hearing his father breathy, static-y chuckle ring in his ears as the single-engine finally stabilized in the air, gliding its way through an endless, impossibly blue September sky._

_“Alright there?”_

_“Yeah.” Ben smiled, turning his head to look at the toy-sized trees disappearing behind them down on the ground._

_Han nodded, looking over at Ben for a split second before his eyes turned back to the horizon._

_“Beautiful day to fly.”_

_“Yeah,” the boy agreed. “Think we can see Coruscant if we try?”_

_“No.” Han shook his head, chuckling softly. “No, we won’t make it that far today. Your mom would kill me. By the way…” He jiggled his wrist until his watch slid out of the sleeve of his leather jacket, and then checked the time on it. “Two thirty-six. Can you memorize that for me?”_

_Ben nodded solemnly as he committed the number to memory._

_“That’s my copilot.”_

_“Uncle Chewie’s your copilot.”_

_“Yeah, but I like you better. Don’t tell him that.”_

_The boy couldn’t hear his own laughter, but it must have crackled into his father’s headpiece, because he smiled, throwing Ben another sideways glance._

_“It’s always important to keep track of time when you’re in the air. Never forget that. Did you know an aviator invented the wrist watch?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yup.” Han nodded. “Brazilian guy called Santos-Dumont. First person to demonstrate a self-propelled aircraft. Told a watchmaker that checking his pocket watch while flying was a bitch, so the man made him one he could just tie to his wrist.”_

_“That’s not true,” Ben laughed, shaking his head._

_“It is,” Han answered indignantly. “That’s how important it is to have a trusty watch when you fly. Analog, too – none of the gimmicky digital stuff. I’ll get you one when I start teaching you.”_

_“And when will that be?”_

_“Minute you turn eighteen.”_

_“Dad!” Ben whined, turning around to face his father. “I can do it at sixteen!”_

_“Yeah, tell that to your mother,” Han huffed, a fond smile tugging at the corner of his lips. ”I’ll let you drive the Falcon at sixteen, okay? Promise.”_

_“But eighteen’s like a thousand years from now.”_

_“Six years, Ben. Six years. Keep that Skywalker drama in check, kid.”_

_Ben didn’t answer, but instead just stared out the window, watching the sunlight paint golden stripes onto the grassy fields below._

_“Hey, how’s school?”_

_“Good,” he answered, gaze still fixed on the ground. “Rey’s in my class.”_

_“Is she?” Han chuckled, leaning back on his seat. “Good. That’s good. She doing alright?”_

_“Yeah. She was going to Jakku with Maz today. They found the papers.”_

_“Really? They’ll be able to make it official, then?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Rey Kanata,” Han drawled with a smirk. “Sound good.”_

_“It does.”_

_A long stretch of silence followed, filled only by the roaring engine and the spinning propellers._

_“How long are you staying?” Ben finally asked, eyes tracing geometric patterns on a corn field as they glided over it._

_“Couple weeks. Maybe three.”_

_“Hm,” the boy mumbled, absentmindedly running his forefinger over the dust covering the window._

_“Ben?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“You know I miss you, right?” He couldn’t see his father’s face, but he could hear the softness in his voice when it crackled through the headset. “When I’m out there. You and your mom. Miss you more than anything.”_

_“Yeah,” Ben murmured, finally turning his head to take in his father’s side profile. “Yeah, I know.”_

“Dad.”

Ben woke up to the sound of his own voice gasping out the word, his face still partially buried in his pillow. The second he realized he was awake, a sharp pain pierced his temples, and he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

He lay there for a long moment, breathing heavily, and then flipped onto his back, trying to think through the pain in his head. On trying to swallow, he realized his mouth was so dry it hurt.

The throbbing intensified as he sat up on the bed, eyes still closed, but he did his best to push through.

Exhaling one long, quivering breath, he massaged his eyes with the balls of his hands before he finally opened them, blinking against the prickly daylight. 

And then he stopped, his hands freezing in the air before they fell onto his lap, because what his eyes found as his pupils adjusted to the light wasn’t his bedroom.

It was a sterile, cold room; all sharp angles and monochromatic sobriety. The walls were white, but the hardwood floor was so dark it was almost as black as the sleek leather bench at the foot of the bed. Apart from it, there was little to no furniture: two glossy end tables holding industrial looking lamps; a sleek black armchair in the corner, shining in leather and chrome; an immense, dark gray shaggy rug covering a huge chunk of the floor.

The worst part was the massive window that covered the wall opposite to the bed, allowing bright sunlight to stream into the room, directly onto his face.

He brought his hand over his eyes to shield them from the luminosity, but not before noticing that the skyline cutting through the cloudless sky outside the window was _most definitely_ not Chandrila.

What the fuck had he done last night?

He remembered the rain. Screaming at Rey. Making her hate him, which was what he deserved. And then stumbling home.

Home, right? He’d definitely staggered back to his house, not to a hotel in another city.

Or had he drunk enough to forget having caught a bus to God knows where?

He rubbed his eyes again, and his body slid across sheeny black sheets as he scooted over to the edge of the mattress. When he looked down to stand up, though, he froze again, breath hitching in his throat.

Because he wasn’t wearing his frayed jeans and black t-shirt, still damp from the storm, but a _suit._

His brows knitted in confusion as he stood up, looking around again before his gaze darted back down to his body.

Yeah, definitely a suit. And _tie_.

The tie was hanging loosely around his neck, and the first few buttons of the crisp white shirt were undone, bit it was definitely a suit. A very wrinkled, _very_ uncomfortable suit.

_What the hell?_

_Water._ He needed water, and then he needed to go looking for someone in the hotel who might be able to tell him how the hell he’d ended up there.

There were three doors in the bedroom, and he made for the one closest to him, yanking it open as soon as his fingers closed around the chrome handle.

It was a closet.

Not a regular closet, no – definitely nothing like the one he had in _his_ bedroom. It was a massive walk-in closet that seemed to stretch for miles, its bright white ceiling bisected by several chrome track lights. The carpeted floor was a deep shade of gray that matched that of the rug in the bedroom, and the walls were lined with a seemingly endless collection of black suits.

Ben felt his jaw go slack as his eyes roamed the racks, his feet taking a few tentative steps forward of their own accord.

Had he broken into someone’s _house_? 

He blinked rapidly, only realizing his fingers were trembling when they reached out to touch one of the immaculately cut jackets.

“Hello?” he called, looking back at the bedroom. “Hello? Is anyone there?”

His head pounded as his eyes wandered around the closet again, narrowing before they darted back towards the door.

There had to be a person living there, right? This was clearly someone’s closet.

A weird mix of confusion and anxiety made his chest tighten as he walked back into the bedroom, and he pressed his lips together, glancing anxiously towards the other doors.

Maybe the owner of the apartment was in another room and hadn’t heard him calling? The place definitely looked big enough for that.

He made for another door in hesitant steps, and it opened smoothly to reveal a large, open-concept living room and kitchen. Both were decorated like the bedroom: way too much chrome; way too much black; way too much leather; way too little life.

Worst of all, the room was also completely empty.

“Hello?” he called again, but no one answered.

Swallowing thickly, he turned back around to open the third door.

 _A bathroom_. 

Good. Water.

He barely glanced around before he bolted towards the sink and turned on the chrome faucet, splashing cold water onto his face. His hands were still trembling when he cupped them under the tap, so the water spilled onto the sink and dripped down his chin as he brought it up to his lips.

When his mouth felt marginally less dry, he turned off the tap and splayed both hands on the black granite countertop on either side of the sink. It took him a moment to catch his breath, his hair falling over his eyes, and then he finally looked up.

 _That’s_ when he gasped so loudly the sound echoed off the black tiled walls.

Shock made him stumble backwards, and his head hit the wall behind him with a dull thud.

Ben could have sworn he could hear his heart beat in his ears as he stared at the mirror, back pressed to the cold wall, chest heaving, parted lips still glistening from the water he’d just drunk.

He blinked, and a man blinked back at him.

A man who was most definitely not him.

Well, he _looked_ like him. Maybe. In some ways.

His hair was also thick and raven-black, albeit considerably longer, and his nose and mouth were as big as his, he assumed. His eyes were the same shape and shade of brown, too, but he looked… _Different_. _Older_.

So much older.

Ben watched the man’s Adam’s apple bob as he took a tentative step towards the mirror, raising his hand to touch his clean shaven face.

His face. It was _his_ face.

But how could it be his face?

He was still dreaming – it had to be. Maybe he and Rey had finally figured out that lucid dreaming thing they’d been reading about; maybe he’d managed to do it.

What was the trick to waking up again?

He pinched his leg hard, but nothing came of it but sharp, piercing pain.

“Ow,” he breathed out, only now realizing that this voice sounded much deeper than it was supposed to.

 _Wake up_. He had to wake up, he thought feverishly as he walked back into the bedroom, his eyes flitting across every sterile corner in search of _something_ that might help him.

He was still looking around, biting his lips to try and keep desperation from clawing up his throat, when a loud buzz filled up the entire room. When his head snapped towards the sound, he found a luminous device buzzing on one of the shiny end tables.

Brows furrowed, he walked towards the _thing_ to look down at its screen, which told him there was an incoming call from someone named Hux.

Was that the owner of this place?

And, most importantly, was the thing a _phone_?

It couldn’t be. It had no keyboard, for starters, and its screen was so big it made it look like a small television, or maybe a big Game Boy.

He frowned down at it for a long moment, until the massive screen finally announced that the call had gone to voicemail.

The device started buzzing again almost immediately, and the sound seemed to jerk Ben out of his stupor, because his hands darted down to it, turning it around to look for buttons.

There was one on the side, but pushing it only made the screen go black. He pushed it again, and the caller’s name reappeared, pulsing against a black backdrop.

His finger slid across the screen to feel for any hidden buttons, and that’s when the call got mysteriously picked up. 

“Ren?” a voice said, distant and muffled, so Ben brought _the thing_ up to his ear to hear it better.

“Hello?”

“Ren, thank fuck, where the hell are you?”

Ben blinked several times, lips slightly parted.

“Is Ren the owner of this…” _Phone_. It had to be a phone. “Phone?”

A beat of silence followed, and he heard the man sigh on the other side of the line.

“Are you drunk?”

“What? No!” Ben shook his head, which made it throb painfully again. Well, not _now_. “No, listen, I need to find the owner of this phone. I’m at his place, but he’s not here. Or maybe I’m… Maybe I’m dreaming, I don’t know! Either way I need to –”

“Did you start doing drugs? Is that what this is?”

“What?” Ben breathed out, knitting his brows together. “ _No_ , listen, I need your help, okay? I –“

“Damn right you need my help,” the man huffed into Ben’s ear. “Snoke’s _fuming_. You were supposed to be here _half an hour ago_ , where the fuck are you?”

Snoke? Congressman _James Snoke_?

Had he… dreamed himself into the futuristic apartment of one of _James Snoke’s_ henchmen?

There were so many layers of absurdity to that thought Ben just shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut before he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You’re not listening to me. I –”

“Just drag your ass down here asap, okay? I’m so fucking done with getting shit because of you.”

“No, wait!” he called, but the silence on the other end indicated the man had hung up. “Hello?”

When Ben lowered the phone and looked down at it, he realized his hand was shaking harder than before. So hard, in fact, that the thing rattled when Ben set it back down on the nightstand, Adam’s apple bobbing.

Water. He definitely needed more water.

Drawing in a deep breath, he turned around, lost gaze wandering aimlessly around the room before he made for the kitchen. The living room wall was lined with huge windows, too, and Ben stared at the golden-tinged skyline as he walked towards the sink, brows furrowed.

There were _skyscrapers_ , for crying out loud. Where the hell was he?

He had to open a few overhead cabinets before he found glasses, and then he filled one to the brim with cold tap water, downing it in a handful of long gulps. Waiting for the glass to fill up again, he tapped his fingers impatiently on the counter, desperately trying to make his brain think.

He couldn’t have drunkenly wandered to another city and stumbled into one of Snoke’s henchmen’s apartments. Even if it _were_ possible, it wouldn’t explain why he looked like that.

No. It had to be a dream.

It felt so _real_ , though. The cold granite under his fingers, the sound of water filling up a tall glass, the prickly sunlight streaming in through the window, the sharp pain behind his eyes – it was so vivid it couldn’t be a normal dream.

Ben downed the second glass of water before he turned to the living room again. The glass clinked when he set it down on the countertop, probably less carefully than he should have, but he didn’t have it in him to care. Wetting his lips, he rounded the kitchen island, his eyes wandering around aimlessly until he reached the middle of the living room.

He stood there, hands on his hips, chewing on his lower lip as his gaze flitted across the room, not quite sure what he was looking for.

His eyes eventually landed on the side table next to the couch, where an empty bottle of obscenely expensive scotch sat right next to one single glass.

Could he have…

Could that be why his head was pounding like that?

No, he told himself, shaking his head as he walked towards the table. This was a dream. An alcohol-induced one, possibly, but he couldn’t actually drink _in_ a dream, could he? 

His hand reached out to grab the bottle of its own accord, and that’s when he realized there was a newspaper sitting on the table as well.

The first thing he saw was the title. The Coruscant Times.

_Coruscant?_

His fingers let go of the bottle, setting it back down before they reached for the paper and brought it closer to his face.

The second thing he noticed was the date.

May 7th, 2020.

“What the –” he cried out, dropping the newspaper on the couch as if it had physically burned him.

His chest heaved as he looked down at the front page, unable to tear his eyes away from the date.

Until his gaze travelled down to the headline, that is.

**OPPOSITION TO THE SNOKE BILL GAINS TRACTION**

**Rallies against the new regulation on Jakku immigration gather thousands across the country**

The main picture showed what appeared to be an avenue in Coruscant bursting with protesters, but Ben’s wide eyes didn’t linger on it. They traveled to a box right next to the main story instead, where a familiar face made him suck in a short, sharp breath.

_Rey._

His hands darted back to the paper immediately, and he grabbed it with shaking fingers, unfolding it to read the box.

**_Meet the band of rebels behind the nation-wide movement_ **

_The Rebellion may have begun as a small group of activists tilting at windmills from their humble Republic St. headquarters, but it has quickly grown into James Snoke’s worst nightmare. Meet their founders._

The first picture was Rey. It was _definitely_ Rey. Ben would recognize them anywhere – her bright smile; her sparkly hazel eyes; the light splatter of freckles over the narrow bridge of her pretty nose.

It was Rey, _his Rey_ , so why did the article call her ’32-year-old social worker Rey Kanata’? 

He stared down at the picture for a long moment, blood thrumming in his ears, lips slightly parted, until the sound of the phone buzzing again in the bedroom jerked him out of his stupor.

_Rey._

Whatever this was – a dream, a nightmare, a hallucination – if Rey was in it, that’s where he needed to be.

She was always the answer, even when he didn’t know what the question was.

There was a newfound sense of resolution coursing through his veins when he threw the paper back onto the couch and marched towards the bedroom, swallowing around the tightness in his throat.

He needed something to get out – keys or –

“There,” he mumbled under his breath when he spotted a set of keys lying next to the buzzing phone. Hux was calling again. He ignored it, shoving the keys into his pocket with his lips pursed.

Ben made to turn around, but stopped when he saw a leather wallet sitting on the nightstand, too.

Well, the owner of the house would understand this was a life-or-death situation, he thought as he shoved it into his pocket, moving towards the door.

The shaggy rug felt incredibly soft beneath the soles of his feet as he strode across the room, and it took him a moment to realize that if he was feeling that it meant…

He glanced down, cursing under his breath when he confirmed that he was, indeed, wearing no shoes.

Couldn’t exactly go out without shoes, could he?

His eyes darted to the closet, and he clenched his jaw as he walked towards it, pushing the door open again.

Since he was at it, he might as well change into something more comfortable, right?

Right, he thought, pursing his lips. The owner would understand that, too.

Nodding to himself, Ben started to search feverishly through the racks, huffing and sighing every now and then.

This guy had to own _something_ other than black suits. 

As Ben’s fingers flicked through endless rows of hangers, however, he started to doubt that.

The drawers. Maybe he kept normal clothes in the drawers.

When Ben yanked one of them open, though, the only thing he found was an immaculately organized collection of shiny, obscenely expensive watches.

“Holy shit,” he exhaled, his eyes jumping from one Rolex to the next, until he finally opened another drawer. And another. And another.

By the time he opened the fifth sleek drawer filled to the brim with watches the price of cars, he finally huffed out a humorless, incredulous chuckle, bringing his hands to his hips.

This couldn’t be real. Why would someone spend that kind of money on fucking wristwatches? Humans only had two wrists, for crying out loud.

Pursing his lips, he finally turned to the other wall, starting to open more drawers.

Underwear. Socks. At least he was getting somewhere.

“Aha,” he breathed as he found a minute collection of three shirts – two black, one gray.

Grabbing the gray one and a pair of socks, he scanned through the pants, letting out a sigh of relief when he found a pair of black jeans.

_One._

It was all he needed.

The black jacket fell to the ground when he shrugged it off, and he took off the loose tie before starting to make quick work of the buttons on the shirt. Well, as quick as his shaking fingers would allow him to go, that is. Once the button-up was lying on the ground with the rest of the clothes, he tugged the t-shirt over his head, almost sighing with relief when its soft cotton slid down his naked torso.

He changed into the jeans and slipped the socks on just as quickly, grabbing the wallet and the keys from the floor before he moved to the back of the closet, where the shoes seemed to be.

There was one pair of black sneakers in a corner, so he stepped into those, running his hands through his hair before he turned around and stormed out of the room.

Republic Street.

Republic Street, near the intersection with Park Avenue, that’s what the article had said, to he repeated that over and over in his head like a mantra as he tried to stick different keys into the lock on the front door.

One of them finally slid in, allowing him to walk out into a lobby – _another_ leather couch? _More_ black granite? _God_ – and jab the elevator button repeatedly.

The sleek chrome doors slid open immediately, and he lunged forward, pressing the button to the ground floor just as desperately.

Luckily, no one walked in as the elevator descended, so he just stared at the luminous display, knee bouncing and lips pursed, until a loud ding resounded through the confined space.

The doors slid open to reveal a grand modern entrance hall, all sheeny black stone, glass tables, and angular white sofas. A massive golden chandelier hung from the ceiling, but Ben didn’t stop to look at it, practically jogging his way towards the massive golden-rimmed glass doors.

There was a stranger in a crisp black suit standing by the entrance, and Ben was about to say a quick, “Morning,” when the man spoke.

“Afternoon, Mr. Ren.”

Ben stopped dead in his tracks, barely realizing the man had opened the door for him.

“What?” he said, feeling his brow furrow.

The doorman’s face went a weird shade of green, as if terrified he’d just said something incredibly stupid.

“G-good afternoon?” he repeated, swallowing thickly.

“No.” Ben shook his head. “What did you call me?”

“M-Mr. Ren?”

There was blatant fear in the man’s eyes as he swallowed again, still holding Ben’s gaze.

Ren. Wasn’t that who the man on the phone had been looking for?

 _No._ Ben shook his head, as if trying to shoo an impertinent fly. No, he had no time to waste on this, he decided as he nodded and finally walked through the door.

It took him a solid ten minutes to hail a cab. For some weird reason, they all seemed to be stopping for people on the sidewalk who were just staring down at their phones, not even _hailing_ , but he eventually managed to do it, sliding into the backseat of a car that was obviously too small for his legs.

“Hey! Republic Street, please, near the intersection with Park Avenue.”

“Sure thing,” the driver answered as he pulled out.

Ben shifted on the seat, trying to find a more comfortable position as his gaze strayed out the window.

He barely knew Coruscant. His mother had taken him there a couple times, back when she still worked for someone else’s firm and hadn’t founded her own, but he’d been too young to have any memories of it.

He’d talked about spending a weekend there with Rey, of course – maybe visit the campus over the summer to get acclimated to it, in case they got accepted; take a stroll down Endor Park; have some ice cream; catch a movie.

All the plans he’d made before his father’s death seemed so futile now.

Tears prickled the corners of his eyes as the thought crossed his mind, and he did his best to blink them back, struggling to change the course of his thoughts.

In hindsight, it wasn’t the best idea, because his mind wandered straight to Rey.

Rey touching his face, her fingers so warm against the icy teardrops sliding down his skin.

Rey’s sweet voice telling him she loved him, even if she hadn’t meant it the way he dreamed she would.

Rey crying because _he_ ’d hurt her – _his_ words, _his_ ways, _his_ inability to climb his way out of the hole he’d dug for himself.

He tried to pretend he was scratching his nose when he raised his hand to dry the tear that had finally trickled down his cheek.

He had to make this right. For her, if not for himself.

But he had to wake up first.

“You’re the guy, aren’t you?”

“Sorry?”

The driver was staring at Ben through the rearview mirror, his lips slighted pursed.

“You are,” he drawled, turning his eyes back to the road. “Hard to miss.”

Ben had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but he supposed it didn’t matter. Dreams didn’t always make a whole lot of sense, so he just sat in silence, watching old buildings fly past the window, until the man spoke again.

“My wife’s from Jakku, you know?”

Ben felt his eyes narrow ever so slightly, trying to understand the relevance of the information.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” the man confirmed. “I think they have the right to be here, y’know? We’ve been profiting from the violence in their country for decades now.”

 _That_ Ben could understand.

“Yeah.” He nodded, shifting on the seat again. “Yeah, absolutely. My best friend’s from Jakku, too. Abandoned by her parents when she was five, never even knew why.”

For some mysterious reason, that made a deep frown form on the man’s face, and he glanced over his shoulder, the fact that he was driving down a busy avenue seemingly wiped from his mind.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he spat, shaking his head incredulously before he turned back around.

Ben gaped at the driver for a moment, closing his eyes and shaking his head as he looked out the window again.

No use searching for logic in dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! 
> 
> I’d like to thank you for the love and support you’ve shown me after I posted the first chapter, but I’d also like to say something important to the people who didn’t like it. 
> 
> Not everyone’s going to like my writing. That’s a fact, it’s natural, and it’s perfectly fine. However, if you dislike my style, my voice, my characterization, my plot choices, my narrative flow etc, I kindly ask you to click out of the fic, or at least refrain from expressing your distaste directly to me. I got a few comments on chapter one I had to delete, because – and, trust me, this is an euphemism – they were extremely hurtful. 
> 
> I’m choosing to believe the feedback wasn’t ill-intentioned, but know that reading certain things was really taxing on my self-confidence and my mental health, to the point where I seriously considered deleting this story, including the chapters I haven’t posted yet. 
> 
> If your comment was deleted, I ask you to please rethink the way you interact with creators in this fandom. Creating content puts us in a very raw, very vulnerable position, so when in doubt choose kindness. I know my stories are far from exceptional, but I pour my heart and soul into them, and when someone tramples your heart, it hurts.
> 
> Thank you for understanding.
> 
> Love your faces <3


	3. Torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought I saw a man brought to life  
> He was warm, he came around like he was dignified  
> He showed me what it was to cry
> 
> Well, you couldn't be that man I adored  
> You don't seem to know, or seem to care what your heart is for  
> I don't know him anymore
> 
> There's nothin' where he used to lie  
> The conversation has run dry  
> That's what's goin' on
> 
> Nothing’s fine, I’m torn
> 
> [Torn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1XWJN3nJo), Natalie Imbruglia (1997)

“Here!” Ben said, turning his head to check the forest green façade they’d just driven by. “Here, this is it.”

The cab came to a jerky stop, and Ben could see the driver eye him through the rearview mirror as he fished his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans.

“Here.” He handed over the money through the gap between the front seats, hand already on the door handle. “Keep the change. Thank you!”

The man looked over his shoulder this time, a small crease between his brows, but Ben didn’t have the time to linger on it. Pushing the door open, he slid out of the car as quickly as humanly possible, sticking his wallet back into his pocket as he walked towards the building.

 _Resistance_ , the battered sign over the front door said. 

Ben looked up at it for a moment as he grabbed the door handle, but lowered his gaze as soon as the bells above the door chimed.

The place looked… cozy. Peaceful. Old.

In a corner to his right, a set of tattered couches and a worn-out coffee table littered with magazines formed a small sitting area. To his left, an ancient looking coffee machine sat on a glass side table that caught the sunlight streaming in through the window, reflecting it onto the warm-toned wooden floor.

Every piece of decoration seemed to be just as old as the rest of the furniture: the vases scattered around the room, the bright yellow rug on the floor, the frames hanging from the peeling walls, holding what seemed to be children’s drawings.

Ben’s eyes roamed around for a second, and he had to repress a smile as he thought that every corner did feel just like Rey.

“Hello, welcome to the Resistance,” a voice called from behind a desk standing against the back wall. “How can we – _Oh_!” 

“Oh, hey!” Ben nodded as he approached the table, doing his best to make his voice sound casual in spite of the tightness in his throat. He even risked a small smile, but the receptionist didn’t smile back. Weirdly enough, he only held Ben’s gaze with wide eyes, his jaw slack, hands apparently frozen over the keyboard in front of him.

“Hi,” Ben said again, clearing his throat as he threw the mismatched sitting area another furtive glance. “I’m looking for Rey. Rey Kanata. She works here, right?”

He braced his forearms on the tall desk as he spoke, eyeing the boy expectantly, but, once again, the receptionist just gawked at him, his pale blue eyes shining with something that looked suspiciously like fear.

“What do you want?” he finally spurted out, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Ben blinked. Well, not the smoothest interaction, but, then again, he wasn’t great with people either, and the boy couldn’t be much older than him – eighteen, nineteen at most.

He tried not to think about the fact that he _definitely_ didn’t look eighteen as he drew in a deep breath, trying to keep the anxiety simmering in his stomach at bay.

“I’m her friend,” he explained, careful not to let the thundering state of his heart peek through his voice. “And I really need to talk to her. Is she there?”

“L-let me…” the boy stuttered, sniffing before he fixed his glasses again. “Let me…”

His fingers were trembling when he reached for a phone to his left, pressing a single digit before he brought it to his ear.

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “I think I’ll need you at the front desk for a minute. I don’t… I don’t know, just please come here? Please.”

Ben’s restless gaze strayed to the door-lined corridor next to the front desk, but he didn’t find any signs of her there.

He was about to ask the boy if she was coming when a door creaked open, but the person that emerged into the corridor wasn’t Rey. 

It was a dark-haired man whose bright eyes remained downcast as he walked towards the reception, apparently checking the state of his dark blue suit. A dark curl fell over his forehead, and he slid one hand out of his pocket to smooth his hair back, raising his eyes with the hint of a smile on his lips.

And that’s when he stopped dead in his tracks, smile wiped away in a millisecond.

He stared at Ben for a long moment, lips slightly parted, and then narrowed his eyes incredulously.

“What the _fuck_?” he spat, gaze flickering up and down Ben’s body. “What the flaming, flying…”

“Hi,” Ben said, swallowing as he took a step closer. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

Once again, the man just stared at him as if seeing a ghost, jaw slack and hand still in his hair. After a second, a humorless chuckle shook his shoulders, and he let his hand fall back to his side.

“Come to intimidate us? Is that what this is?” He shook his head, a sarcastic, disbelieving smile on his face. “I have to give it up to you for doing it in person. We were expecting you to send one of your henchmen sooner or later, but Kylo Ren _himself_ ….”

Ben felt his head cock slightly at the sound of the name.

 _Ren_. Who was this man and why did everyone keep mistaking Ben for him?

Was that a part of the puzzle he had to solve in order to step out of this weird dream?

Maybe he and Rey had managed to actually _plan_ their lucid dreaming. They’d read it could be done, hadn’t they? Maybe this was like… like a puzzle in Ocarina of Time Rey had decided to throw in there for a laugh or something. He wouldn’t put it past her.

“Um,” Ben said, clearing his throat again. “I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I’m here to talk to Rey. Rey Kanata. You know her?”

For a moment the man’s face went livid, and he opened his mouth to say something, but someone stepped in before he could.

“What the _fuck_?”

A second man had walked into the corridor, and was now standing a few feet behind the first one, dark eyes comically wide.

“What the flaming flying –”

“Finn, go back to your office, please.”

“What?” The second man frowned as he stepped forward, gaze bouncing back and forth between Ben and his colleague. “No. Poe, what… what’s he –”

“Came to intimidate us, obviously!” Poe spat, throwing Finn an annoyed glance. “Let’s not give him what he wants, okay? Just go back to work and let me –”

“I’m sorry,” Ben interrupted, taking another step towards the men as anxiety started to nip at his stomach, slowly slipping out of his control. “I think… I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I’m looking for Rey. I’m a friend of hers, I need to talk to –”

“You stay the _fuck_ away from Rey, you hear me?” Poe spat, sticking his finger in Ben’s face as he stepped forward. “What, do you think you’ll intimidate us by going for her? Think she’s fragile? Our weak link, because she’s a woman? She’ll fucking _cut you_ , you fucking psychopath.”

“ _What_?” Ben couldn’t help but huff out a chuckle, shaking his head. Even in a dream, someone using the words _Rey_ and _weak link_ in the same sentence sounded laughable. “What? No, listen, you’re mistaking me for someone else. I need to –“

“Hey, what’s the commotion about? I’m trying to work here, the –”

She came to a skittish halt right behind the two men, hazel eyes going wide, shoulders clearly tensing up the moment their eyes locked 

She looked… different. That was probably a good way to describe it. Her face looked strikingly familiar, but not exactly the same – more angular and more defined, maybe, as if the features he knew like the back of his hand had developed into a more polished, even more striking version of themselves. Her body looked different, too – not that of a skinny teenager, but that of a woman, complete with… breasts. Small, _gorgeous_ breasts to which her silky white blouse was clinging, which made their outline… Yeah. Visible. And there was a waist, too – a narrow waist and defined hips spectacularly accentuated by the high rise of her skin-tight black jeans.

Shock froze Ben in place for a second, but it also kept his brain from registering what his body was doing when he moved, closing the distance between them in no more than two or three long strides.

“Rey,” he breathed, eyes flittering across every inch of her face. “Rey, _thank God_ , it’s you.”

He had no recollection of having decided to cup her face, but he must have, because his thumbs ghosted over her cheekbones as he stared into her wide, shocked eyes.

“Thank God,” he huffed out again before he pulled her into a hug, eyes fluttering shut as he rested his chin on crown of her head. “What the hell’s going on?”

She smelled the same, and she felt just as warm and delicate between his arms, which made it impossible for him not to nuzzle into her hair. It made the tension in his body dissipate like dense mist dissolved by bright daylight.

In the haze of his relief, he didn’t realize she wasn’t hugging him back.

In fact, he only realized her hands had never touched his body when they came to rest on either side of his ribcage, slowly pushing him away.

He frowned down at her when she pulled back, and her eyes met his for a long stretch of silence before she spoke.

“What the hell?”

That seemed to yank the other men back to reality, too, because soon enough two sets of hands were closing around Ben’s upper arms and pulling him back.

“Don’t fucking touch her, _what the fuck_?” Finn spat, forehead furrowed in outrage.

“ _Out_ ,” Poe hissed, his finger shaking as he pointed towards the front door. “Get the fuck out of here NOW!”

Ben’s eyes never left Rey’s, though.

“Rey,” he murmured, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Is this the lucid dreaming thing? ‘Cause I really don’t like it and I think it was a really bad idea, so maybe we should –”

“I said OUT!” Poe yelled again, moving to grab Ben’s arm, but Rey stepped forward at the exact same time, placing her hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Wait,” she murmured, gaze still trained on Ben’s face. She swallowed before she went on. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to intimidate us, obviously!” Poe spat, looking at Rey over his shoulder. “What else would Kylo fucking Ren be doing in our –”

“Why do they keep calling me that?” Ben threw her a confused shrug as he cocked his head, eyes slightly narrowed. “Rey, it’s… It’s Ben. _Ben_ ,” he said, knitting his brows together. “Who’s Kylo Ren?”

“Oh, fuck me,” Finn huffed, wiping a hand down his face. “What’s this now?”

“Rey, do you…” Poe stammered, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows. “Do you know this dude?”

Rey wet her lips before letting out a long breath.

“We,” she choked out, clearing her throat before she went on. “We grew up in the same town. It’s…” Blinking rapidly, she squared her shoulders. “It’s no big deal.”

“You grew up with _Kylo Ren_?”

“Were you planning on mentioning that _tiny little detail_? Like, ever?”

Ben ignored the men’s perplexed voices, his mind focused on a matter far more pressing.

“What do you mean we grew up in the same town?” he murmured, head tilted in confusion. “Like… like I’m fucking Josh from second period Chemistry or something? Rey, we’re… You’re my best friend.”

A long stretch of silence followed his words, disrupted only by the young man behind them very audibly muttering, “Holy shit,” under his breath.

“Listen, I know I…” Ben said, wetting his lips as he took another step towards Rey. “I know you’re mad at me. I – I know I said those things – fuck Rey, I was an asshole yesterday but I… I was so shitfaced, and I’m _so_ sorry. So sorry.” His voice cracked when he said the last words, so he pressed his lips together, trying to swallow down the tears burning his throat. “You know I didn’t mean it, right? You know – you know you’re the only good thing in my life right now, don’t you? Rey, you –”

“You met up with Kylo Ren _the day after_ the protests?” Poe asked incredulously, fully turning around to face Rey. “Rey, what the _actual_ fuck?”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Finn mumbled, leaning against the wall with his hand pressed to his forehead.

“What are you talking about?” Rey asked, ignoring the men’s interruptions. Her voice was barely more than a murmur.

Ben blinked a few times in response, looking around as if waiting for a prank to be announced.

“Rey, the… The playground. Yesterday,” he said, eyes roaming around her face in search of any clues she might be messing with him. “It was… it was raining, and… And you went looking for me and I –”

“That was fourteen years ago,” she rasped, a tear painting a pale trail down her tanned skin.

“No.” Ben laughed, shaking his head as he looked around the room again. “It was yesterday. I went home and passed out, and then I woke up and… and I was in this… Fuck, Rey, it can barely be called an apartment, it looked like a hospital, it was horrible, and… And there was a phone, I think it was a phone, because someone called and said something about Snoke and why the fuck would I crash with someone who works for _Snoke_ , Rey? The man’s a sociopath!”

The sound of car engines roaring down the street sounded deafening in the thick silence that fell over the room again.

“Did you…” Rey finally said, wiping away the tear on her cheek hastily. “Did you drink yesterday? Did you –”

“Yes, I fucking drank yesterday, you saw how wasted I was!” Ben said exasperatedly, eyebrows shooting up. “But I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean any of those things, I... I’m so sorry – it’s not your fault I’m a fucking mess, and I –”

He stopped when his voice broke, and only then did he realize there were tears pooling in his eyes. His hands rushed to wipe them away.

“Guys I…” Rey stammered, wetting her lips. “I’m taking this in my office.”

“ _No._ ” 

“No, Rey, can’t you see this is a fucking trap?” Poe whispered angrily, drawing closer to her. She didn’t look at him. Her eyes were still locked with Ben’s. “Can’t you see the protests left them _terrified_ and they’re trying to –”

“What _I see_ is I’m a grown woman, Poe,” Rey spat, finally averting her gaze towards the man. “And I’ll handle this however I see fit because it’s _my_ goddamn business.”

“It’s _not_ just your goddamn business, it’s –“

“Come,” she said, turning around and walking back into the corridor before Poe had finished the sentence.

”Rey! Rey, you can’t –”

“You coming?” she asked Ben, ignoring Poe again as she opened the door to her office.

That jerked Ben out of his silent stupor, and he rushed to follow her, walking through the door a second before she closed it behind them.

He looked around as he walked in, taking in the modestly furnished office; the old leather bound volumes stacked precariously on an old bookshelf; the colorful drawings hanging from the walls, the bright green fern sitting right under the window.

“What’s –” he was about to ask, but Rey spoke first, her voice little more than a hissing whisper.

“What the _fuck_ is this?

When he turned around, she was looking up at him with her teeth bared, lower lip trembling with anger.

“Rey, I –“

“What the _fuck_?” she spat, eyes glimmering and fists clenched. “This is so low, even… Even for you, why would –”

“Rey, I don’t know what –“

“In my _workplace_ ,” she spat, shaking her head incredulously. “ _My workplace_ , for fuck’s sake! I mean, sabotage us, try to criminalize the movement, to whatever the _fuck_ you want, I don’t care, but this is beyond cruel. This is… It’s…”

She blew out a long breath, just like she always did when trying to calm herself down, and then braced her hands on her hips as her eyes fluttered shut.

“Please, just go,” she finally rasped. “Please go and don’t try this again. _Please._ If you’ve ever…” When her voice cracked, her eyes darted down to the floor, and she shifted on her feet, drawing in another deep breath. “If I ever meant anything at all to you, please just go.”

The sound of birds chirping fluttered into the room through the window, merry and bright, the perfect foil to the dark, cold panic twisting in Ben’s gut.

“I don’t –” he choked out, blinking back tears. “Rey, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I know I can’t take back what I said, and I’m not asking you to just forgive me like that, but I’ll try to be better. I’ll do better. I’ll show you. I promise. Please, I can’t… I can’t do this without you.”

Rey sighed as her downcast gaze drifted to the frayed edges of the green rug on the floor, eyes brimming with unshed tears.

“You know,” she whispered, swallowing before she looked up at him. “You used to be a horrible liar. Horrible. The worst. I used to be able to see right through you, and…” She wet her lips, a tear finally escaping the corner of her eye. “Of _all_ the things – of all the things that changed about you, of all the things you’ve done, I don’t know why but… But knowing you learned to lie like this just hurts different.”

“I’m not lying,” he rasped, mustering every last bit of self-control in his body not to touch her. “I’m really sorry. I wish I could turn back time and just… Just erase yesterday, but I can’t, so –”

“It wasn’t yesterday!” she cried, her voice strained by tears. “It was fourteen year ago!”

“It was yesterday!” he insisted, eyes scanning her face feverishly. “I have no idea what you’re doing, but please don’t. It was yesterday, we were –”

“What was I wearing?”

Ben blinked, knitting his brows together.

“What?”

“What was I wearing?” she repeated, hands on her hips. “It was yesterday, wasn’t it? You should remember, right?”

“I was…” he stammered, locking his jaw. “I was drunk.”

“You saw me before that. What was I wearing?”

Defiance glinted through the layer of tears in her eyes, and she raised her chin, biting the insides of her cheeks.

Ben pressed his lips together, shrugging before he answered.

“Chucks.”

“Chucks?” she laughed, shaking her head. “Really? That’s what you got? Eighteen year old me wearing Chucks?”

“The pink ones,” he murmured, eyes darting to his feet. “The ones you got on your birthday because your white ones fell apart when you washed them.”

He couldn’t bring himself to look up at her as he thought about the rest of her body, ears burning under his hair.

“And the boot cut jeans – the really low-waisted ones Maz hates. With the yellow stain from when you dropped nail polish on them. You were wearing them with the white t-shirt – the itchy one you don’t like, not the soft one. I could tell because of the ink stain on the hem.”

When he finally forced himself to meet her gaze again, she was gaping at him, eyes wide and filled with tears.

“You were wearing those stud earrings shaped like the sun, too. I really like those.” He shot her a teary smile, shoving his hands into his pockets. “And orange nail polish. A new one, I think. I’d never seen that shade.”

The birds kept singing outside as Rey opened and closed her mouth several times without emitting any sound.

When it seemed like she was finally going to say something, someone banged obnoxiously on the door, causing her to jump.

“Rey?” The person yelled. “Rey, a word, please?”

Her jaw snapped shut with a click, and her gaze wandered around the room, wide and lost, before the voice called again, louder this time.

“Rey?”

“Just,” she said, pressing her lips together. “Just wait here, okay? Just...”

Apparently she wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, either, because she just gestured vaguely around the room before she turned around.

He tried not to stare at the way her hips swayed when she walked towards the door, keeping his eyes fixed on the peeling paint of the window frame.

For a long while, he could hear voices, but couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. Then the screaming started, and it became abundantly clear.

“Two days after the rallies, Rey? A day after your face is plastered across the front page of the Coruscant Times? Really? _That’s_ what you're falling for?”

“I’m trying to explain and you’re not listening to me!”

“I’m listening alright – they’re targeting you, using this… this _history_ to try and manipulate you because you’re soft-hearted and –”

“I’m soft-hearted?” she vociferated, anger making each word shake around the edges. “Do you hear yourself? How patronizing you sound? I’ve been through shit you could _never_ –”

“I’m not patronizing you, I’m just trying to _show_ you –”

“You’re treating me like… like I’m a naive, stupid girl who –”

“Well, you’re sure as hell acting like one.”

A long stretch of silence followed, during which Ben realized his body was so tense his shoulders hurt. He held his breath as he waited for the sound of Rey’s fist meeting the guy’s jaw – God knew he’d seen it happened more than once – but it never came. 

“Baby, watch your tone, you don’t have to –”

Before Finn had finished the sentence, the door flung open again, and Rey stood there for a second, one hand on the handle and the other on the doorframe, jaw locked and nostrils flared out.

“Come. Let’s go.”

She jerked her head towards the front lobby as she grabbed her purse from a chair by the door, and Ben knitted his brows together as he met her gaze.

“What –”

“Rey, get back here!”

“I said _let’s go_!” she spat before she turned around and disappeared into the corridor.

After a split second frozen in place, Ben went after her, reaching the lobby when she was crossing it in long, resolute strides.

“You can’t do this!” Poe yelled, trying to close the door as she pulled the handle.

“Fucking _watch me_ ,” she spat, yanking the door open and causing the man to stumble backwards.

Ben hurried to follow her, stepping out onto the sidewalk just as the door clicked shut behind him.

The world outside had started to go the warm shade of yellow that indicated the afternoon was nearing its middle. He didn’t have the time to appreciate the warm sunlight catching on bright green leaves nor the pleasant smell of orange blossoms the breeze was carrying across the gold-stained pavement, though. He just threw a final glance over his shoulder, and then jogged after Rey, who was almost half a block away.

“Rey! Wait!” he called, slowing down when he caught up with her. “Are you okay? What’s –”

“Just… just come with me, okay? We need… we can’t talk there.” She wiped the corner of her eye as she spoke, but didn’t turn to face him.

Pressing his lips together, Ben just nodded his agreement, following her down the tree-lined street

It wasn’t long before they reached what appeared to be a tiny café, and Rey opened the door in one swift movement, waiting for him to walk in first.

It was indeed tiny, but every corner of it screamed _Rey_ – the bright, sky blue tables surrounded by yolk-yellow chairs; the blackboard hanging from the exposed brick wall, announcing freshly baked chocolate croissants; the bright green plants in old tin cans scattered around every inch of the place.

“Rey!” a voice called, and Ben turned towards it in time to see a short woman approaching them with a bright smile on her face. “Aren’t you supposed to be –”

Then the woman’s gaze caught Ben’s, and she froze in place.

“Rey, what… What’s –“

“It’s fine,” Rey whispered, squeezing the girl’s hand gently. “It’s okay. I promise.”

The girl threw Ben another suspicious glance, but eventually nodded, turning her eyes back to Rey.

“Okay,” she said, swallowing thickly. “Okay, if you say so. I’m here if you need me.”

“I know.” Rey smiled, and it was almost like the smiles Ben knew. It made his stomach flutter. “I know. Can we –”

Rey jerked her head towards the tables, and the other girl nodded emphatically, squeezing her hand back.

“Sure, of course. Coffee?”

“Please. Just the vanilla latte for me and –” She glanced over at Ben, something he couldn’t quite name gleaming in her eyes. “Black? A dash of cinnamon?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, same as always.”

The girl nodded, and Rey offered her another reassuring smile before moving towards the table by the window, right next to a brick windowsill crammed with plants.

Ben took the seat across from her, folding his body – _God, why was he dreaming his body that big?_ – to fit the delicate yellow chair.

“Ben,” Rey said, her voice strained, as if saying the name pained her for whatever reason. “I’m only going to ask this once and I need you to look me in the eye when you answer, okay?”

He nodded, bracing his forearms on the table as he leaned forward.

“Of course.”

“Is this a trick?” she asked, raising her chin almost imperceptibly as she searched his eyes for _something_. “Is this… some twisted plot to destabilize us or… or infiltrate or whatever? Because that would be the most fucked up thing you’ve ever –”

“ _No_.” His hands twitched to reach out for hers, but he held them back. “No, I swear, I don’t know what’s going on. We were… we were eighteen yesterday, and now I look… I look different, and you look different, and the paper says it’s 2020, and I just want to wake up.”

He swallowed thickly, doing his best to blink back tears.

“All I want is to wake up in my bedroom so I can run to your place and apologize for the shit I said,” he murmured, his voice thick and hoarse. “And I’m _so sorry_ , Rey. I’m so sorry. I can’t lose you. I should, I know it’s what I deserve, but I can’t just cut you off because… Because…”

_Because I love you._

“Because I’m terrified of what my life would be like if you weren’t in it.”

Rey’s lips trembled when she let out a quivering breath, and a tear escaped the corner of her eye, but she didn’t raise her hand to wipe it right away.

“You really don’t remember, do you?” she whispered, mostly to herself. It made Ben frown.

“Remember what?”

“Listen, can you try…” She clenched her jaw, looking down at her hands. “Can you try to remember what you did last night? If… if you went out partying, or maybe… Maybe fell down, hit your head…”

“No.” He shook his head, knitting his brows together. “No. I mean, my head kinda hurts, but just… Normal hangover headache, you know?”

Rey wet her lips in response, nodding before she raised her eyes to him.

“Your car – did you maybe crash your car or –”

“What do you mean, crashed my car?” he echoed, brow furrowed. “The Falcon? What happened to it?”

“No. No, not the… Not the Falcon.” Rey drew in a deep breath as she sat back on the chair, massaging her eyes with the balls of her hands. “Not the Falcon. What… What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I told you,” Ben answered, shifting on the wobbly chair. “I stormed out of the playground. I went back home, lay down. Then I started thinking about… About that day – remember the day American Idiot came out and we listened to it in my bedroom? I thought about it, and about how I wished I –”

_How I wished I’d had the nerve to kiss you that day. How I wished you felt the same way I do about us. How I wished you meant something else when you said you loved me._

_“_ – How I wish I hadn’t said all those things and that…”

“No.” Rey shook her head, face still covered by her hands. “No, Ben, that was… That was when we were eighteen. I need you to try and remember yesterday. _Yesterday_ , 2020.” When she lowered her hands and their gazes met again, her eyes were glimmering. “Can you do that for me?”

“B-But…” Ben stammered, his eyes darting down to the table as he worked his jaw. “No. No, yesterday was…”

“Ben, I,” she grated out, eyes fixed on her hands. “I think… I think you lost your memory.”

“I…” Ben huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. “No, I’m telling you, yesterday we were –”

“It wasn’t yesterday, Ben,” Rey murmured, her eyes sad and tired. “It was fourteen years ago. You’re thirty-two now. You live in Coruscant. You –”

She gasped when the dark-haired girl approached their table again, as if she’d just remembered there was a world outside their table

“Here you go,” the girl said, setting two bright red porcelain cups on the table. “Anything else?”

“No.” Rey shook her head, shooting the girl a tight smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “No. thanks, Rosey.”

“Call me if you need me, kay?”

“Yeah, thank you.”

Rose shot Ben another side glance before she turned around, but didn’t say a thing as she walked back behind the counter.

Ben’s blood was thrumming loudly in his ears by the time Rey turned her attention back to him, and he clenched his jaw, leaning back on the chair.

“I’m dreaming,” he rasped. “I know I’m dreaming, I just have to – _Ah!_ ” he cried when Rey’s hand darted across the table and grabbed his nose, pinching it hard.

“What are you doing?!”

“Breathe!”

“I can’t, you’re pinching my nose!”

“Yeah?” she asked, her body stretched across the table. “And what was our trick to wake up if we were lucid dreaming?”

Ben sat in silence for a long moment, breathing through his mouth, eyes trained on her face.

“Pinching our noses to see if we could still breathe through them.”

Rey didn’t say a thing, but only pursed her lips as she let go of his nose and sat back slowly.

“I’m… not dreaming?”

“No.” She shook her head, working her lips as she swallowed. “No, Ben, you’re... Do you… Do you have your phone? Maybe we can figure out what you did last night and work from there.”

“No,” he said again, furrowing his brow before he raised his eyes to her face. “No, there… There was a phone in the apartment – I think it was a phone, but it had no buttons, and I thought… I thought it belonged to… To the person who lived there.”

“Right.” She cleared her throat, taking a long sip from her latte. “Okay, what about… a wallet, or –”

“Yeah.” He reached into his pocket, fishing out the black wallet. “Yeah, I do have this.”

“Good, see if there’s something. A valet ticket, a receipt from a restaurant or a bar or –”

“No.” He shook his head as he flicked through the contents of the wallet, setting a few things down on the table. “Just some business cards, credit cards, some cash – a receipt! What day is it today?”

“May eighth.”

He shook his head, pursing his lips.

“No, this is from two weeks ago. There’s our picture, some change – oh, look, cinnamon gum! At least I still have good taste in candy. And there’s –”

When he glanced up at Rey, he realized she was frozen in place, eyes wide and glued to something on the table, so he followed her stare down to the polaroid he’d just set there.

“Rey? You okay?”

“Why –” She cleared her throat, blinking rapidly as she looked up at him. “Why do you have that in your wallet?”

Ben knitted his brows together, his eyes flitting down to the picture for a moment. They couldn’t have been over twelve, smiling on the jungle gym, Rey’s yellow Chucks looking particularly bright against red-coated iron and green, green grass.

“What, our picture? I carry it wherever I go, you know that,” he answered, throwing her a confused smile. “Don’t you carry yours?”

Rey kept staring at the picture for a long moment, lips slightly parted, until she finally answered.

“No.” She shook her head, her voice barely above a whisper. “No, I haven’t for a while.”

It felt a lot like being slapped across the face. Ben sat in silence for a while; brows knitted together, a weird, cold hollowness growing in his chest.

“W-why not?” he finally murmured, his eyes stinging uncomfortably. “And why… Why do your friends hate me? Don’t we hang out?”

Rey let out a deep, teary sigh as she buried her face in her hands, propping her elbows on the table. 

“Shit,” she cursed under her breath. “Shit, okay, here’s…”

She raised her head, but kept her eyes closed for a second, drawing in another deep breath. “God, there’s no easy way of doing this. Okay. Breathe.”

“I’m breathing.”

“Not you, me,” she murmured, squeezing her eyes shut. “Okay, here’s the thing, you… You remember Snoke, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

“Right. So, he’s…” Rey winced as she looked down at her coffee, tracing the rim of the mug with her finger. “He’s a senator now. And he’s trying to pass a bill that will withdraw citizenship rights from the children of immigrants from Jakku.”

“He’s _what_?” Ben spat, leaning forward, hands splayed on the sky blue table. “That’s… that’s… _So_ fucked up. Even for him. Isn’t anyone trying to stop him? How is that even constitutional?” 

“We are,” she rasped. “Trying to stop him. The Resistance. But his legislative director’s a ridiculously talented lawyer who’s doing one hell of a good job to ensure constitutionality.”

“And who’s that asshole?”

“You.”

The stretch of silence that followed the word was so dense and so suffocating Ben didn’t realize he wasn’t breathing until he barked out a laugh.

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not joking.”

And the thing is, he knew what Rey looked like when she was pranking him. There was this glint in her eyes she’d never manage to hide; this subtle, barely-there curve of the corners of her lips indicating she was biting back a smile; a tension on her throat telling him she was swallowing back laughter as she tried to look serious.

None of those things were on her face now. There was just sorrow in her eyes – sorrow, and a glistening layer of unshed tears.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “No, that’s not true. Why would I do that? Why… why would… What would…”

As he stuttered, Rey pulled her phone out of her pocket, sniffling as she tapped the screen repeatedly. Then she turned it to him, and the world went still.

Before him lay the search results for “Snoke’s legislative director.”

 _Kylo Ren, 32,_ a big box said.

Rey’s finger slid over the screen, and the results rolled down to reveal a plethora of pictures of him in black, immaculately cut suits.

He blinked against the luminosity of the display, doing his best to breathe through his collapsing diaphragm.

“That’s,” he choked out, tears burning his eyes. “That’s not me. That’s not me, it… It says Kylo Ren.”

“That’s the name you’ve been going by for a few years now,” Rey murmured, sniffing again as she shoved the phone back into her pocket. “So I…”

She averted her gaze, wiping the corner of her eye on the back of her hand as she looked out the window.

“I think you should… Reach out to… To the people who work with you and check if –”

“No,” Ben said, panic seizing his chest at the mere thought of going back to that apartment. “No, I… I don’t want to. Rey, I don’t… It doesn’t make sense, why would I work for those people?”

“I stopped asking myself that years ago, Ben,” she said, looking at him again. “And I’m not falling down that rabbit hole again.”

“Please,” he pleaded, finally reaching out to grab her hand as desperation took over his body. To his surprise, she didn’t snatch it away. “Please, you know me. You know me better than anyone, you know I wouldn’t… That… That I couldn’t –”

“I knew you,” she whispered, tears streaming freely down her face. “Many years ago. I knew you better than I knew myself, but I don’t anymore. I haven’t for years.”

“You do,” he said, holding onto her hand like a drowning man holding onto the shipwreck. “You do Rey, please don’t leave alone, I… I don’t know what’s going on, but–”

“You feel like you,” she breathed, pressing her lips together to stifle a teary sigh. “Why do you feel like you?”

“Because it’s me. It’s me, Rey. Please.” There were tears burning his cheeks, but he didn’t bother to dry them. “Please help me figure this out. That apartment’s horrible and I… I don’t know how these phones work – they don’t have keyboards, how do you even –“

“I’ll… I’ll help you get back to your place,” she murmured, wiping her eyes with her free hand. “I’ll help you figure out your phone, and that’s it, okay?”

He bit the insides of his cheeks, keeping his eyes glued to hers as he nodded.

Anything. Anything she was willing to offer him, he’d take.

“Yeah,” he exhaled. “Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Just gonna help you with your phone,” she said. 
> 
> You know, like a liar. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked this one! It was pretty tricky to write from Ben’s POV, ‘cause Rey’s obviously going through a lot™ and his mind’s obviously all over the place, but I hope you could feel her struggle? Let me know! 
> 
> See you on Wednesday! Love your faces <3


	4. I miss you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, there  
> The angel from my nightmare  
> The shadow in the background of the morgue  
> The unsuspecting victim  
> Of darkness in the valley  
> We can live like Jack and Sally if we want  
> Where you can always find me  
> And we'll have Halloween on Christmas  
> And in the night we'll wish this never ends  
> We'll wish this never ends
> 
> (I miss you, I miss you)
> 
> [ I Miss You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1tAYmMjLdY), Blink 182 (2004)

The keys clanked against the table by the door when Ben set them down, starting to make his way towards the bedroom.

“Can you close the door for me? I’ll get the –”

When he glanced over his shoulder, Rey was standing in the doorway, hands in her pockets, eyes roaming around the apartment.

“Rey?” he said, turning back around. “You coming?”

That seemed to yank her out of some deep thoughts, because she snapped her head towards him like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Y-yeah, I... Yeah. Yeah,” she stuttered, swallowing thickly before she took a step forward.

“I told you it was awful.”

“No.” She shook her head, frowning at a weird sculpture sitting on the glossy side table. “No, it’s... that’s not...”

“You can say it,” he said, his tone defeated, as he gestured vaguely towards the living room. “Looks like fucking Castlevania.”

Her hand darted up to her mouth, but not in time to muffle the small snort that escaped her throat.

“Are you laughing? Is this a joke to you?”

“No.” The lilt of laughter in her voice reminded him of the tone she’d use whenever she’d just seen someone take a particularly nasty fall – not necessarily humorous, but nervous and strained, maybe a little hysterical. “No, it’s... fine. This is fine. Totally fine.” 

“It’s not fine!” Ben huffed, pointing to the kitchen. “Even the fucking fridge is black!”

That made Rey snort again, but this time she buried her whole face in her palms, shaking her head as she massaged her eyes with the balls of her hands.

“Rey? Hello, this is a crisis.”

“What the fuck?” she choked out, voice muffled by her hands. “What the actual fuck is my life?”

“You need some water?” 

“No.” She cleared her throat, shaking her head again. “No, I’m... fine. It’s fine.”

“You’re saying fine a lot.”

“’Cause I’m fine,” she replied, clearing her throat as she closed the door behind her. “Phone, right? You wanted help with your phone?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, glancing over at the bedroom door. “Be right back, watch out for the Undead Parasite, he’s a bitch to kill.” 

Ben heard her snort again, but he didn’t look over his shoulder as he strode to the bedroom as fast as humanly possible.

When he walked back into the living room, phone in hand, she was still standing on the same spot, one hand on her hip and the other over her mouth, eyes fixed on the bizarre design of the black and chrome coffee table.

“ _Awful_. I’m telling you,” he said, looking at the table as if it had personally offended him. “Here.”

For a second, she just stared at him, only snapping back to reality when he waved the phone at her again.

“Earth to Rey? Emergency?”

“Right.” She bit her lips as she looked down at the phone and finally reached for it. “Right. Here.”

Ben flinched when she took the device and waved the screen right in front of his face.

“Hey! You almost hit me!”

“Weird,” she mumbled, ignoring his indignant frown. “No face ID. Must be some privacy thing.”

“What are you trying to do again?”

“Unlock the phone,” she explained, biting the side of her thumb nail. “We’ll need your passcode. Six digits.”

“But I used it earlier. When someone called.”

“You can pick up calls without unlocking the screen, but we’ll have to check messages and notifications to see what you did yesterday. C’mon, is there anything you can think of – a date or –”

“My birthday?”

“I literally hacked into your World of Warcraft account six times because you used your birthday as your password,” she said, a disbelieving look in her eyes. “Think adult you would keep doing that?”

When Ben shrugged, she licked her lips, huffing out a long, tired breath.

“Of course you would. Let’s see.”

Her thumbs moved incredibly fast as she typed in the code, which just made the six little dots on the screen wiggle from side to side.

“No, wrong code. Ideas?”

“My mom’s birthday?”

“Ben, that’s…” Rey sighed, locking her jaw as she looked up at him. “That’s unlikely. Should be something related to… You know, to your life now. Your friends, your job –”

“Well, I don’t remember any of that, do I?” he asked, running his fingers through his hair. “Just try it.”

Rey nipped on her lower lip before she lowered her gaze and sighed again, thumbs typing the new code. Once again, the lock screen didn’t go anywhere. She just shook her head this time, pursing her lips.

“My dad’s?”

“I don’t know that one.”

“July 13th, 1952.”

Another unsuccessful try. Another long sigh.

“Nope.”

Ben worked his lips, eyes fixed on the phone, trying to get his brain to think.

When the thought occurred to him, a hot lump formed in his throat.

“Maybe…” His voice came out gravelly, so he cleared his throat, blinking rapidly. “Maybe his… The day he…”

He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence, but he didn’t need to. Swallowing thickly, Rey entered the day of his father’s death.

March 5th, 2006.

“No,” she said, her voice low as she looked up at him.

“Your birthday.”

That actually made her chuckle and shake her head, biting the insides of her cheeks.

“Yeah, definitely not. Maybe we should check your licence plate, social security number, try some combinations to –”

“Just try it, Rey!” he insisted, eyes bouncing back and forth between her face and the screen. “Let’s just rule out the obvious ones first.”

“Trust me, my birthday’s _not_ an obvious one.” 

“Gimme that,” he mumbled, snatching the phone from her hands to enter the numbers, admittedly way less proficiently than she had.

It didn’t matter that his fingers were too big for this or that he wasn’t sure how much pressure he should use, though. A huge grin still bloomed across his face when the lock screen disappeared to reveal the phone’s home screen.

“Oh, look, guess who was right?”

She wasn’t smiling when he raised his eyes to her face, though. In fact, she was frowning down at the screen, jaw slack, a deep rift between her eyebrows.

“Rey?” he called, cocking his head. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” she said, her voice coming out weirdly high pitched. “Yeah, yeah I’m…”

“Fine?”

He smirked, but she didn’t smile back.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Fine.”

“Wanna check those messages?”

“Can I sit down?” she asked, her voice still slightly off. She cleared her throat, wetting her lips. “And have a glass of water?”

“Yeah, sure. Sit over there, I’ll get the water.”

While Ben filled up a tall glass, he heard the leather creak under her body as she plopped down on the hideous couch.

“You got a shit ton of missed calls,” she said from the living room. “And messages.”

“Ignore the calls,” he answered, turning off the tap before he rounded the kitchen island. “Anything in the messages?”

“Thanks.” She stopped biting her nail to grab the glass he was extending to her, and her eyes shot back down to the screen as she took a long sip. “Everyone’s pissed. And looking for you. I think you had a meeting today.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He plopped down on the couch next to her, grimacing as he shifted on the hard cushion. “Holy shit, this is uncomfortable as fuck! Why -”

“Ben, focus. Look.” He scooted over closer to her when she showed him something on the screen – a string of messages with someone called Mitaka. “You told your PA you weren’t feeling well yesterday at 5:17. Said you were going home. That was the last message you sent.”

“Did someone try to reach me? Yesterday?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, taking another big gulp of water as she scrolled down. “Mitaka again at six, then twice at eight. Hux around nine. Phasma several times after ten to discuss something about the meeting.”

“Who’s Phasma?”

“Chief of staff,” Rey answered, lips pursed. “You didn’t answer any of them.”

“Well, I obviously made it home. Woke up here.”

“Hux said you’d been off all day,” she murmured, scrolling through more messages. “Maybe you had a stroke.”

“Rey!”

“What?” she asked indignantly, turning to face him. “You start acting weird, go home in the middle of a work day because you don’t feel well and wake up with no recollection of the last fourteen years? I’m serious Ben, you should go see a doctor. Have your brain scanned.”

“I didn’t have a stroke, okay?” he said defensively, toeing off his sneakers. “I feel fine.”

“Well, you should see a doctor anyway,” she replied as she stretched her arm to set the empty glass down on the side table. “This is obviously a medic –”

Whatever it was that she was going to say died in her throat when her gaze caught on the newspaper sitting on the table.

“Were you reading this?” she asked, pointing at the front page.

“Is it weird that I was reading the news?”

She didn’t mention the empty bottle of scotch, but it still made his ears burn.

“No.” She shook her head, her voice a little too nonchalant to sound convincing. “No, it’s… fine. Hey, maybe we should try your laptop? I think this one’s a dead end.”

As if on cue, the phone started to buzz in her hand, the screen announcing that Hux was calling again.

Her eyes were wide and scared when they went searching for his.

“What do I do?”

“I don’t know, burn it?”

“Ben, I’m serious!” she whispered, as if the man on the other side could hear her.

“I’m serious too,” he whispered back, throwing the phone a frightened glance. “Think I should pick it up?”

“Maybe you two talked on the phone last night?” She shrugged, cocking her head. “Maybe you told him something that’s not in the messages?”

“Oh, fuck me,” Ben huffed as he grabbed the phone. “How do I pick it up?”

“Just slide your finger over this thingy like this. The touchscreen’s pretty straightforward, you just –“

“Are you with a woman, you raging _asshole_?” the phone hissed, causing Rey to drop it on the couch and recoil as if it had burned her.

“Um… hi?” Ben winced, shrugging at Rey as she pressed something on the screen.

Speakerphone, apparently.

“You go a _fucking decade_ without getting your dick wet for God knows what _stupid_ reason, and then you decide _today_ ’s the best day to get your ass laid?”

“I what?”

“I heard her voice, you dipshit. If you bailed on Snoke to have sex I swear to fucking God –”

“What? No.” Ben shook his head, eyes glued to the screen, ears burning under his hair. “No, I’m… I’m sick.”

He decided to cough for good measure, but it didn’t seem too convincing, judging by the way Rey rolled her eyes

“Whatever I had yesterday got worse.”

“You said it was a stomach bug, you fucking idiot, how does that make you cough?”

When he looked at Rey, she had her hands over her eyes, which didn’t seem too promising.

“It turned out to be the flu, okay? Listen –”

“I’m not listening to _anything,_ you fridge-sized _baboon_. If you don’t get your ass down here immediately I’ll personally send someone over to kill you, did I make myself clear?”

Ben pressed his lips together before he rasped, “Clear as day.”

Apparently, the man on the other side of the line never heard his reply.

“Well, that went well,” Rey said as she locked the phone again.

“It was your idea.”

“My idea was to get info, not death threats,” she spat, eyes narrowed.

“Well, at least now we know it was a stomach bug. That couldn’t make me lose my memory, right?”

She went silent at that, pursing her lips before she looked down at the phone.

“Can we turn that thing off and get back to the computer?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, biting the insides of her cheeks as she turned off the phone. “Yeah, let’s try that.”

The screen lit up immediately when she opened the laptop, bringing it to her lap.

“Password?”

“Try your birthday again.”

Rey didn’t start typing right away, but instead bit her lower lip as she stared at the screen, fingers hovering a few inches above the keyboard. When Ben looked down at her hands, he could have sworn they were trembling.

“Rey?”

“Yeah.” She swallowed thickly, nodding as she wet her lips. “Yeah. On it.”

Her hands hesitated above the keys for another second, and then she typed in the six numbers.

When Ben looked at the screen, nothing had changed. He knitted his brows together as Rey let out a quivering breath.

“No?”

“Nope.”

“Try mine, then. My mom’s, my dad’s.”

“Okay,” she rasped, nodding down at the keyboard. “Yeah. Okay.”

__________

“I know! How about a combination of our lockers’ codes?”

Rey ran a hand down her face at that, and Ben could see her eyes flutter shut in frustration. She’d taken off her loafers about an hour and a half ago, and was now slouched back on the couch, legs crossed, sighing heavily every time they got the password wrong.

“Ben, we’re just not going to guess, okay? It’s getting late. I should really –”

“No!” He sat up straight on the armchair, bringing his feet back to the floor. Desperation nipped at his stomach at the thought of her leaving, and he locked his jaw to try and keep it from crawling up his throat. “No, just… Please, let’s just try some –”

“Ben,” she said tiredly, eyes shooting towards the pink twilight stretching across the sky outside his window. “It could literally be anything. You should get some rest, see a doctor tomorrow, maybe go to the hospital. You –”

“You hungry?” he asked, snapping his fingers before he sprang to his feet. “There must be something in that big ass fridge, let me –”

“ _Ben_ –” 

“I’ll see what we’re working with, just a sec.”

He heard her inhale deeply as he strode past the island and into the kitchen, opening the fridge in one swift movement.

“Parma ham. Gross.”

“Ben, I really should –“

“Eggs! There’s eggs. Do you want –”

“Ben, please, listen to me.”

“Wait a second, let me…” He opened the freezer as he spoke, smiling triumphantly when he saw it. “ _Aha_! Look!”

He closed the fridge as he turned around, holding the pint of ice cream over his head like a trophy. That finally seemed to make Rey forget whatever it was that she was trying to say.

“Chunky Monkey?” she said, brows knitted in confusion. “Why the hell do you have Chunky Monkey?”

“Why are you complaining?” The sound of cutlery clanking filled the room as he rummaged through one of the drawers, grabbing two spoons. “It’s your favorite.”

“You hate bananas.”

“Maybe I love bananas now.”

“They literally make you sick.”

“Seriously, Rey?” he asked, stopping a few feet away from the couch as he cocked his head. “I’m thirty-two, I live in a Castlevania boss room, apparently I’m a fucking fascist, but Chunky Monkey’s where you draw the line?”

Rey pinched her nose, groaning as she slumped back on the couch.

“Just gimme the ice cream.”

“That’s more like it.” He smiled, sitting down next to her as he handed her one of the spoons. “What are you trying now?”

“Combinations with addresses and license plates. But Ben, it’s statistically impossible for us to –”

“God, that’s gross.” He grimaced as the ice cream melted on his tongue. “ _Ugh_.”

“You probably ran out of the ones you like,” Rey shrugged, shoving a spoonful into her mouth.

“Probably.” Still frowning, he shoved his spoon into the pot again. “Or maybe I forgot I like it now. I mean, I forgot I like human rights violations, too. Banana sounds kinda harmless.”

That made Rey chuckle around her spoon, shaking her head.

“And speaking of the fascism thing,” he added, tucking his knees against his chest as he licked the spoon clean. “I think I figured it out.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m a spy.”

Rey chuckled again, shaking her head as she tried another combination.

“You’re not a spy.”

“Stop laughing, it’s the only thing that makes sense! I’m infiltrated to try and stop them.”

Her smile faltered slowly, and she licked the corner of her mouth before she raised her eyes to his face again.

“You drafted that bill, Ben. It was a pretty public process.”

“But it doesn’t make any sense!” He sat up straight, wincing as he licked the spoon again. “Why would I do that? And targeting Jakku, too. Those kids are like…” He swallowed thickly, gaze flitting across Rey’s inscrutable expression. When he spoke, his voice sounded considerably lower. “Like you when we first met.”

“Yeah.” She nodded, blinking rapidly. “Exactly like me when we first met.”

“So why would I do that? I have _your birthday_ as my passcode, that obviously means I –”

“Let’s…” She drew in a deep breath, scraping the surface of the ice cream with her spoon. “Let’s just focus on this, okay?”

There was something in her eyes as she spoke that made him stop and press his lips together, nodding as she picked up a piece of walnut.

“Yeah. Okay. What haven’t we tried?”

“I have no idea.” She shrugged, looking back at the computer. “I mean, there’s probably a bunch of important stuff here. You’d want to be super specific. Are you sure you can’t remember any special dates, since you like those? Not a birthday. Something important to you. Something you wouldn’t forget, like… I don’t know –”

The first thing that came to his mind was… Yeah. Unlikely.

It was worth a shot, though, wasn’t it?

“Can I try something?”

She blinked up at him, licking her spoon before she nodded.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Can you hold this for me real quick?”

She took the spoon from his hand as he grabbed the laptop, bringing it to his lap.

02142006, he typed.

Valentine’s Day, just over a couple months ago.

 _No_ , he told himself as he pressed enter. Over fourteen years ago.

The thought made his throat clamp up for a moment, but the tension dissipated the second the desktop loaded in front of him.

“Did it work?” Rey asked through a mouthful of ice cream, leaning over to see the screen. “What was it?”

“M-my… My dad’s birthday,” he lied, feeling his ears burn under his hair. “We must have mistyped it before.” 

“But we tried it twice.”

“Yeah, well… That was it.” He shrugged as he handed the computer back to her. “C’mon, let’s see what I was doing yesterday.”

“See these? These are the apps you had pulled up. You were listening to music and –”

“What music?” The leather creaked under his weight as he scooted over even closer to her, trying to see the screen.

“Seriously? Does that matter?”

“Of course it does! What if it was Avril Lavigne?”

That made her huff out in indignation as she turned to face him. The new position made their thighs touch. He tried not to focus on _that_.

“Avril Lavigne is _great_. God, you’re such a snob.”

“C’mon, Rey, what was I listening to?”

She pursed her lips disapprovingly as she turned back to the computer and double clicked a colorful icon on the command bar.

“There, happy?” she asked, cocking a brow at him. “Coldplay.”

“Good God,” he breathed out, wiping a hand down his face. “Fascism, Chunky Monkey and now Coldplay? What the fuck happened to me?”

“Ben, can we please focus for a second?”

“Yeah.” He drew in a deep breath, rubbing his closed eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “Yeah, what else? Was I working on something? Writing, or –”

“No.” She shook her head, narrowing her eyes as they flitted across the screen. “You were on the internet, though.”

“Doing what?”

“It’s loading, Benjamin, can you please just –”

She stopped midsentence when the tab she’d clicked on finally loaded, revealing what was indisputably, undeniably, _very_ clearly…

Her face.

Ben blinked at the screen, a deep rift forming between his brows.

“What are you doing on the internet?”

For a long moment, there was nothing but deafening silence. When he looked over at Rey, she was staring at the screen, lips slightly parted, hands frozen over the keyboard.

“Rey?” he insisted, touching her thigh gently. “What site’s that?”

She blinked rapidly, opening and closing her mouth several times before she answered.

“YouTube.”

“What’s YouTube?”

“It’s…” She cleared her throat as she sat back on the couch, eyes still glued to the screen. “It’s a site where you can upload videos. That’s an interview I gave the day before yesterday. During the rallies.”

“And why was I watching it?”

“I don’t know, Benjmin!” she said exasperatedly, slapping her own thighs before she leaned forward again. “I don’t know, okay? The rallies were pretty big, Snoke’s team was probably… Doing research on us, trying to think up a strategy – I don’t know!”

“But that means I _knew_ you were working with this Resistance thing, which makes even less sense because –”

“Ben.” Rey closed her eyes, blowing out a tired breath before she turned to face him. Her voice sounded strained, but collected, as if trying to reason with someone. With him; with herself – he wouldn’t know. “You have your phone now. And your laptop. You got the touchscreen thing, right? It’s pretty straightforward. It’s late. Finn and Poe haven’t stopped blowing up my phone all afternoon, so I really think I should just –”

“Don’t go.” The pleading edge of his voice was startling even for him, but that didn’t stop him from pressing his lips together and going on. “Please. I… You know when you’re trying to remember a song, but you can’t recall the name or the lyrics or the band and you feel like you’re going insane?”

She stared at him for a moment, eyes glistening, before she offered him the smallest of nods.

“That’s…” he rasped, Adam’s apple bobbing. “That’s what this feels like, but a million times worse. I can’t remember, Rey. And I – I’m sure I’ll be able to understand if I remember – understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, but right now nothing makes sense and… and I…”

His voice cracked, and his hand darted up to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye.

“I really don’t want to be alone right now.” It was barely a murmur, but it sounded disproportionately loud in the quiet, darkening living room.

“I-I..” Rey stuttered, eyes darting down to her clasped hands. “I can’t, Ben. I shouldn’t, I –”

“Just… Just a couple hours. I promise. Let’s…. I don’t know, watch a movie or something.” He gestured towards the TV, eyes scanning her face expectantly. “Isn’t there something you want to see me watch for the first time? One of those godawful romcoms you like or –”

“Oh my God,” she breathed, wiping the corner of her eye as she looked up at him. “You don’t remember Order of the Phoenix, do you?”

“No.” He shook his head, the hint of a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “No why?”

To his surprise, a huge grin bloomed across her face – one of the devilish ones that made her eyes sparkle and her cheeks dimple. He couldn’t help but smile at it.

“Oh, boy, you’re in for a ride,” she said, wiping her cheek again as she reached for the remote on the coffee table.

“What? Is it bad?”

“Not bad, no. You’re just a book snob.”

“Oh, are we going to pretend the Dobby erasure didn’t ruin Goblet of Fire?” He furrowed his brow, reaching for the ice cream. “Even you agreed with that.”

“Oh, shit. Dobby.” Her smile faltered as she turned to him, jaw locked. “You don’t remember Deathly Hallows, do you?”

“What’s that?”

“Book seven.”

“No, why?” He cocked his head, brow furrowed. When she didn’t answer, he felt his jaw slowly go slack. “No. Not Dobby. She wouldn’t.”

Rey didn’t answer, but instead just swallowed as she looked back at the TV.

“ _Rey_. Rey, what happens to Dobby?”

“Nothing,” she said, her voice extremely high pitched. She cleared her throat, all of a sudden extremely interested in her thumb as it pressed the buttons on the remote. “Fine. He’s fine.”

Ben was about to call her out on the obvious lie when he saw the movie catalog that seemed to have appeared on the TV.

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing his spoon at the screen.

“Netlflix. It’s like…” She shrugged as she selected the movie. “Like Blockbuster inside your TV.”

“No way!” he laughed, slumping back on the couch, the mystery of Dobby’s fate momentarily forgotten.

“Way,” she said before she hit play and sat back with him. “You pay a monthly fee and you can watch whatever you want.” 

“Whoa,” he said through a mouthful of Chunky Monkey, resting his feet on the coffee table. “That sounds amazing. That Dobby thing, though, what –”

“Shhh, Ben, it’s starting,” she whispered as she dug her spoon into the ice cream on his lap. 

“Right.”

Ben tried to watch in silence. He really did, but by the time The Advance Guard finally got to Grimmauld Place, he couldn’t hold it back any longer.

“Rey?”

“Hm?”

“Is something wrong with the TV?”

When he turned his head towards her, she was looking up at him, eyes glimmering in the half-light.

“I don’t think so, no. Why?”

“Why’s everything so… blue?”

The snort that escaped her throat was long and loud, and she covered her mouth to muffle it, avoiding severe ice-cream spillage by the skin of her teeth. She was still laughing when she shook her head, turning her attention back to the movie.

“This is going to be so much fun.”

It _wasn’t_ fun. Not only was everything blue, but Mundungus Fletcher was nowhere to be seen; Voldemort showed up in King’s Cross station dressed like a pimp; and Ben was finally about to go on a rant about the incorrect introduction of Thestrals when Rey hugged her knees to her chest next to him, rubbing her arms.

“You okay?” he whispered softly.

The blueish light coming from the screen cast a glow onto her face, making her delicate features even more striking. The sight made Ben’s mouth go dry when she nodded, hugging herself again.

“Yeah. Yeah, no, it’s fine.”

He pursed his lips, frowning at the obvious dishonesty in her tone as he reached to touch her foot.

“Rey, you’re freezing!”

“I said I’m fine!”

“I’m getting a blanket.”

“Ben, don’t –“

Before she’d finished the sentence, he’d already set the ice cream down on the coffee table, gotten up, and started to make his way to the bedroom. He hadn’t seen any blankets in the closet, but there _was_ a duvet folded on the bed, so he grabbed that in the dark, walking back into the living room resolutely.

“Here, let me burrito you up.”

“Ben –“

“My Castlevania dungeon, my rules,” he said matter-of-factly as he sat down next to her and threw the duvet over them, making sure he tucked it securely behind her back to keep the cold from seeping in. When he felt like she was properly shielded from the chilly night air, Ben wrapped his right arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to his side.

It was a knee jerk reaction, much like snatching one’s hand away from a hot pan or reaching out to grab a glass that’s falling down; an instinct learned through countless winter afternoons curled up on her living room couch, watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, lending her his body heat so her infamously cold feet and hands wouldn’t, in her own words, “fall off from frostbite.”

An instinct that seemed oblivious to the fact that they weren’t teenagers anymore; that her mother wasn’t cooking dinner in the next room, that this wasn’t Chandrila, and that Rey most definitely wouldn’t want him touching her.

Ben froze immediately when her shoulders tensed under his touch, much like she’d tensed into his hug hours before, and only then did he realize what he’d done. 

He considered just pulling his arm back, pretending it had never happened, or maybe apologizing and doing his best to keep his distance, but his body refused to move. It just stayed there, frozen in place, waiting for the inevitable moment when she’d finally pull away.

To his surprise, that moment never came.

After a few seconds that felt like several hours, her body relaxed against his, and, wonder of wonders, she snuggled closer to him, curling up against his side.

“Y-You okay?” he managed to whisper, his mouth painfully dry.

When she nodded, her hair tickled his cheek, and he had to make a conscious effort not to turn his head and breathe her in. That didn’t mean he didn’t smell it, though – vanilla with a hint of peppermint; the same scent that would linger on his hoodies for days after she’d laid her head on them.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” she finally answered.

“On a scale of fine to fine, how fine are you?”

“Shut up,” she chuckled, pinching his leg.

“ _Ow_.”

Rey kept her arms wrapped around herself but, as the minutes went by, she seemed to slowly meld against him – little by little, almost imperceptibly, but enough for him to notice.

By the time Dumbledore’s Army finally met for the first time, she’d already rested her bent legs on his thigh. He barely had it in him to notice the blatant Dobby erasure.

By the time Hermione Stupefied Ron, she’d tucked her shoulder under his armpit, so that her chest was pressed to his side.

By the time Harry and Cho kissed in the Room of Requirement, she’d rested her head on his shoulder, her breathing warm and soft through the thin cotton of his t-shirt.

“You warm enough? No risk of frostbite?” he whispered, one hand on her calf, the other one gently wrapped around her upper arm.

“Yeah,” she drawled. “Out of the woods.”

By the time Harry had his first Legilimency class, she’d already fallen asleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who can guess which Coldplay song Mr. Kylo Ren was listening to while he cried, drank himself silly and watched vídeos of Rey on repeat? 
> 
> Yes,. [ The Scientist ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A).
> 
> The Skywalker drama’s strong with this one. 
> 
> Okay, shhh, let’s let them cuddle now. See you guys on Saturday for more self-indulgent nonsese. 
> 
> Love your faces <3


	5. Turn back time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember? Whatever  
> It seems like forever ago  
> Remember? Whatever  
> It seems like forever ago
> 
> The regrets are useless in my mind  
> She's in my head  
> (I must confess)  
> The regrets are useless in my mind  
> She's in my head  
> (So long ago)
> 
> And in the darkest night  
> If my memory serves me right  
> I'll never turn back time  
> Forgetting you, but not the time
> 
> [ Whatsername ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF9xovpVA04), Green Day (2004)

When Ben woke up, the first thing he noticed was the sharp pain on the side of his neck.

He groaned, making to bring his hand up to soothe the soreness, and that’s when he realized a second thing.

He had his arms wrapped around _something_. Something warm and lithe and soft; something light and pliant that smelled just like…

_Rey._

He opened his eyes, squinting against the glaring sunlight bathing the living room, to find her cheek squished against his chest, delicate hand firmly fisted into his shirt, her body partially lying on top of his.

He was staring down at her, lips slightly parted, watching her hum contently as she nuzzled further into his embrace, when he realized a third thing.

He had a boner.

A _very_ present, _very_ prominent boner, over which Rey’s right leg was _conveniently_ draped.

“Shit,” he cursed under his breath, trying to move an inch to the left – just an inch; just enough for her leg to slide right off his –

“Hmmm,” she grumbled, frowning into his shirt.

He froze for a moment, holding his breath, his arms wrapped so loosely around her sleeping form they were barely touching her skin. I took a few seconds for her face to smooth over again, going back to its peaceful, unconcerned state, but, when it did, he couldn’t help thinking she looked like an angel. A squish-faced, drooling angel, but an angel nonetheless.

 _Focus_ , he told himself as soon as he realized the staring was doing nothing for the erection inside his pants other than make it go from uncomfortable to downright painful.

Drawing in a deep, slow breath, he decided to switch strategies.

She hummed when his arms tightened around her, and he held his breath again as he started to turn to his side, making her slide onto the couch.

That seemed to work better. Soon enough they were lying side by side facing each other, and that allowed Ben to pull his arm from under her body as he slid clumsily down the edge of the couch and onto the floor.

Rey grumbled again, but didn’t open her eyes as she tucked her hands under her head, lips slightly pursed, her tangled hair falling over her cheek. Kneeling on the floor, Ben brushed the stray lock away from her face, tucking it behind her ear, which seemed to make her forehead smooth over. For a moment, he smiled down at her, until an uncomfortable twitch of his cock reminded him he had pressing issues at hand.

_Right._

He worked his jaw as he stood up, glancing around the room as if looking for answers.

 _Are you still watching?_ the TV was asking him.

 _Most definitely not_ , he replied mentally, glancing down at the protuberance tenting the front of his jeans.

A shower. A cold shower should do the trick, right?

He nodded to himself as he walked towards the bathroom, his barefoot steps silent against black hardwood.

Ben tried to click the door shut behind him as quietly as possible, and then tugged his t-shirt haphazardly over his head before his fingers flew down to the fly of his pants. He stumbled as he stepped out of the jeans, and then kicked them to the corner of the bathroom along with the t-shirt while he yanked his boxers down his legs.

Relief washed over his body when his erection sprang free, but it also made him painfully aware of just how serious his problem was.

“Shit. Fuck. Shit,” he spat under his breath, throwing his socks onto the pile of discarded clothes before he stepped into the shower.

The glossy tiles felt cold under his feet, but not nearly as cold as the water that gushed onto his face when he turned on the tap with trembling hands. He hissed as the icy stream slid down his skin, lowering his head to let it fall onto his nape.

It was probably a bad idea, because it made him look right at his boner, which didn’t seem to be planning on going away anytime soon.

 _You could just take care of it_ , a voice whispered inside his head. It make him squeeze his eyes shut, bracing his hands on the wall in front of him.

No, that would be disrespectful. Extremely disrespectful. He just had to –

_C’mon, it’s not like you haven’t done it before. Thinking about her._

“Shut up,” he whispered to no one in particular, tilting his head back to get some water on his face.

As he ran his fingers through his hair, letting the water seep into it, he tried to think about anything that could make his _problem_ subside. 

_Crying puppies. Silent Hill 3. Wet food clinging for dear life onto a dirty dish. Ingrown nails._

It seemed to help. Slowly, he felt the pressure on his pelvis start to subside, and a long sigh escaped his lips as he rubbed his eyes, focusing on the icy water trickling down his body. It was so cold it made every inch of his skin bump, like –

_Rey’s nipples peeking through the thin fabric of her frayed Nirvana t-shirt on a winter morning._

“Shit,” he spat as his cock twitched again. “Are you fucking kidding me, holy –”

He shook his head, as if physically trying to shake the mental image off his brain, and then lowered his head again, burying his face in his hands.

He could do this. He knew he could. Massaging his eyes with the balls of his hands, he tried again.

_Nails on a chalkboard. Boiled Brussels sprouts. Resident Evil Zero. His mother’s saffron face masks._

The last thought made his eyes fly open, tension completely wiped from his lower abdomen; any and all sexual thoughts completely erased from his mind.

His mother. That was it.

He turned off the shower as quickly as humanly possible and stumbled out of the glass stall, sliding towards the towel rail hanging a few feet away.

When he wrapped the gray towel around his hips, his hair was still soaking wet in spite of his hurried attempt to dry it. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, having water dripping down his back, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he opened the door and stepped into the bedroom.

It was just that his hair was _so long_ now _._ Why had he grown it _so long_? It had been long enough to cover his ears by the time he reached senior year, there was really no need to have it almost brushing the base of his neck, for crying out –

“Holy fucking Jesus on a bike Benjamin!”

The scream made him stumble backwards, wet feet slipping on hardwood. When his head snapped towards the sound, he found Rey staggering back, too, hand darting to cover her eyes.

“Jesus fucking Christ!”

“Rey, you’re up, thank God!” he said, brushing wet hair away from his face as he took a step towards her. “Listen, I –”

“Do you have clothes?” she squeaked, her voice incredibly high-pitched.

“What?” He furrowed his brows, looking down at himself. “You see me shirtless all the time, what’s the big deal? Listen, this is –”

“No, Ben, I _haven’t_ seen you shirtless in a long ass time, so I’d really appreciate it if you put on a… a shirt, or –”

That made Ben blink, clenching his jaw as he took in the beet-red blush creeping up the low neckline of her blouse.

 _Right_. Not teenagers anymore.

When he spoke again, his voice sounded slightly hoarse.

“Right, sorry, I keep forgetting.” He swallowed, eyes darting towards the closet door to avoid looking at her. “I’ll… I’ll check if… Shit, Rey, it’s a nightmare, I swear to God, I only have suits in there and they’re really –”

“Jesus Christ,” Rey mumbled under her breath. Still covering her eyes, she strode past him, storming into the closet in resolute steps. He watched her rummage through a few drawers for a good while, until she finally slapped a new pair of jeans and a white Henley on top of a long black dresser.

“Where did you find that shirt?”

“Unimportant, Benjamin,” Rey grated out, staring at her feet. “Can you put it on?”

“Sure,” he murmured as he walked into the closet, closing the door behind him as soon as she left.

He patted his chest dry and started running the towel through his hair as he opened the underwear drawer.

“So,” he said as he pulled a pair of boxers up his legs. “I think I have an idea.”

“What?” Her voice was muffled by the closed door, so he drew closer to it as he stepped into the jeans. To his surprise, the denim felt soft against his skin.

“An idea. I need to get my memory back, right?”

“I mean, I guess,” she answered, her voice still slightly strained.

Ben nodded as he slipped the Henley on.

“So, I was thinking.” When he walked back into the bedroom, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, hand on her forehead. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, wetting her lips. “Yeah, peachy. You were thinking?”

“I was thinking that the last thing I remember is Chandrila, right? The playground, my bedroom, my mom’s house.”

“Yeah? So?”

“So I think I should go back there.” He took another step towards her, gesturing towards the door. “I mean, you said I have a car, right?”

“I said you must have a car ‘cause you’re filthy rich,” she rectified, rubbing the back of her neck.

“So, it’s, what? A three hour drive? We could be there right after lunch, and then we –”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.” She closed her eyes, raising her hands in the air, palms turned to him. “ _We?_ ” 

“Yeah,” he said, furrowing his brow. “I mean, it’s Saturday, right? We’ll make a trip of it – visit my mom, your mom, see if driving around jogs my memory, maybe –”

“Ben,” she said tiredly, pressing her lips together before she stood up. “No, okay? It’s bad enough that I fell asleep on your couch, I can’t… I can’t just hop into a car with you and…”

“Why not?” He swallowed around the lump in his throat, his brows raising a hairbreadth as he looked down, searching for her gaze. “You work weekends?”

“No. No, that’s not –“

“You have plans?”

“No.”

“A boyfriend?”

He had no idea what made him ask that, but the question had apparently been sitting on his tongue, because it slipped out before he could swallow it back.

To his surprise, Rey scoffed at that, staring at her feet as she shook her head.

“No. Definitely no boyfriend. What I’m saying is… Ben, this is…” When she raised her gaze to his face again, her eyes were glimmering. “I can’t, okay? I think you should take your car and go see a doctor, and I’ll just… You know, just…”

She looked at the door as her voice trailed off, seemingly unable to finish the sentence. The implications made Ben’s stomach churn.

“Listen,” he murmured, inching even closer to her. “I know you probably hate me, okay? I know I’ve done some fucked up shit and I’m so sorry I don’t remember why, but…” He placed his hands on her upper arms, silently asking her to look at him. She did. “But if I can remember why I did it, I’m sure it’ll all make sense. There's an’ explanation, I know there is. There has to be. I just need… I just need to...”

His voice cracked at the last word, and Rey cocked her head, unmistakable sadness taking over her eyes.

“You haven’t seen your mom in a while, Ben.”

The tone of her voice made his chest squeeze painfully.

“No?”

“No,” she repeated, her voice barely a whisper.

“And you think she… she wouldn’t want to see me?”

A moment of silence followed, during which Rey’s eyes just flitted across his face. After a while, she smiled sadly, offering him a small shrug.

“I think she’d be really happy to see you.”

“Then let’s go there,” he said. “It’s the last thing, I promise if… If it doesn’t work I’ll go see a doctor on Monday. I promise. I just…”

“I don’t have anything with me, Ben. Clothes, my meds, I… My shirt’s all wrinkled and my hair’s a mess and...”

“We’ll drop by your place,” he answered, caressing her shoulders with his thumbs. “You can pick up whatever you need. Just this weekend, I promise I’ll never ask you anything else ever again. Just…”

_Just stay with me. Just a little longer._

“Just this once.” 

A cloud moved in the sky while she stared up at him, causing more sunlight to stream into the room, warm and bright. A golden beam had settled over her face when she nodded, biting her lower lip.

“Just this,” she murmured. “Just this weekend.”

Ben smiled down at her, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around her as a tight knot dissolved in his chest.

“Just this weekend.”

_______________

Ben’s footsteps creaked loudly as he climbed up the stairs to Rey’s apartment, but, then again, her footsteps made the old wood creak, too, so apparently his size wasn’t to blame. Not this time.

It still made him feel weirdly self-conscious, though, so he shoved his hands into his pockets, keeping his head down until she stopped on the third landing.

“I’ll be quick,” she murmured as she rummaged through her purse, searching for her key. “We’re just… just visiting our moms, right? Just a day or two. There’s no…”

Ben wasn’t quite sure what she was trying to say, nor did he know why she was saying it for the tenth time, but he still nodded as she opened the door and stepped to the side to let him in.

“Yeah. Just visiting our moms.”

“Right.” She stood in the doorway for a moment, hands on her hips, biting her lips as she stared at him standing in the middle of her living room. “Right, I’ll just..,”

She jerked her head towards a corridor that Ben assumed led to her bedroom, and he nodded again.

“Yeah, I’ll wait right here.”

“Right. Good.”

He watched her disappear into the corridor and heard her open and close a creaky door, and only then did he allow his gaze to wander around the apartment.

The windows were much smaller than the ones at his place, but the room still looked a thousand times brighter somehow.

Her couch was bright yellow, and so was the vase sitting on the windowsill, holding the biggest, greenest fern Ben had ever seen in his life. The knit rug on the floor was wildly colorful, too; its red, yellow, blue and green streaks looking almost neon against the chestnut wooden floor.

His eyes travelled from the green armchair in the corner to the worn-out bookshelf next to it; from the vase filled with daisies on the coffee table to the colorful drawings on the walls, finally landing on the picture frames sitting on the wooden TV stand.

The sound of the shower being turned on resounded from the corridor, and Ben glanced over at it before he approached the pictures, carefully taking one of the frames in his hands.

He recognized the three people smiling with Rey in the photo – the two men who worked with her and the dark-haired girl from the café.

He recognized them, alright, but he didn’t _know_ them. In fact, he didn’t know _anyone_ in these pictures – the blonde woman with a bun on each side of her head; the other brunette that resembled… Rose (it was Rose, right?); the bearded blond guy having drinks with all of them in what looked like a karaoke bar. 

Save for the ones with Maz, these were all pictures of strangers.

His throat clamped up when he realized there weren’t any of him, so he put the frame back down, swallowing before he moved towards the couch and did his best to fold his body into a sitting position.

Rey was, indeed, quick. The shower couldn’t have been on for more than five minutes, which Ben spent staring intently at his nails, and then the sound of running water was replaced by that of clicking door locks, sliding drawers, a blow drier running for a minute or two.

Not ten minutes later, another door opened, closer this time, and the sound of footsteps on hardwood made Ben spring to his feet.

“Hey,” Rey said, tucking a lock of slightly damp hair behind her year. “All set. I’m sorry, I didn’t offer you anything – do you want water or…”

 _Water_. Water would be good, he thought as his eyes roamed down her body, his mouth going painfully dry.

He tried hard not to stare, he really did, but the white sundress dotted with yellow flowers didn’t help. Not when it hugged her waist and flared out at her hips like _that_ ; not when the thin straps and sweetheart neckline made her collarbones and her breasts look like _that_ ; not when the white cotton made her skin look like molten gold.

“Ben?”

And, sure enough, there he was, staring. He locked his jaw before he raised his eyes to her face.

“Yeah?”

“Water?”

Water. Water would be good.

“No,” he answered instead, shaking his head. “No, I’m fine, thanks.”

She nodded, glancing around the living room for a moment.

“Wanna… go, then?”

“Yeah,” he rasped, nodding a little too casually. “Yeah, let’s go. Can I take that?”

“Thanks,” she smiled, handing him the small duffel bag she was holding. 

Instead of turning to open the door, though, she just stood there, looking up at him, nibbling on her lower lip as her fingers fiddled with the ruffled hem of her sundress.

“You… you wanna go?” he finally asked, jerking his head towards the door.

“Yeah,” she nodded, eyes darting down to her Birkenstocks as she bit the insides of her cheeks. “Yeah, I was just thinking that… You know, since you’re trying to remember.” There was unmistakable anxiety in her eyes when she looked at him, pressing her lips together. “I have something that might help. I’m not sure if you’d want it, but –”

“Anything,” he answered, furrowing his brow. “Anything that might help, yeah.”

“Okay,” she murmured, averting her gaze to the floor again. “It’s in my bedroom, if you’ll…”

She pointed towards the corridor, jerking her head to tell him to follow her, and so he did.

Sunlight was streaming in through the big window in her room, making the colorful quilt on the bed look almost as bright as the rug in the living room.

There was another chipped vase filled with daisies by the bed, and she moved towards it, opening the tiny drawer on the nightstand on which the flowers were sitting. 

Ben inched closer in careful steps, so that he was only a few feet away when she turned around holding something.

A hot lump formed in his throat when he looked down to find her delicate fingers holding his father’s watch.

“Y-you…” he stammered, lips slightly parted. “Did you…”

“I mean, I couldn’t… I couldn’t _not_ keep it, could I? I thought about giving it back to your mom, but… It was yours, you know? I thought… I don’t know what I thought, I just…”

“I never tried to get it back?” His voice came out hoarse and thick, and he swallowed, eyes still fixed on the watch.

It took her a moment to answer.

“No,” she finally murmured. “We didn’t really… We never really talked again. After that day.”

Ben blinked several times, a deep rift forming between his brows before he met her gaze.

“I never apologized?”

Rey stared up at him, eyes glimmering, before she offered him a sad smile and a shrug.

“Not really.”

His mouth opened and closed, but his vocal cords seemed to have been rendered incapable of producing any sound, so he just reached out to grab the watch with trembling fingers. It took him a moment to secure it around his wrist, but, when he did, he ran his thumb around the golden metal body, frowning down at the ticking hands.

“What happened to me?” he finally whispered, feeling the warm weight of unshed tears fill his eyes as they drifted up to her face. “We had… We had plans. Senior year and Coruscant and…and Vienna, remember? What happened to that? What happened to…?”

“We grew up.” Rey offered him another sad smile, stained with hurt and resignation. “You… You chose other things.”

“Why would I choose anything but you?”

She didn’t answer, but instead kept her teary eyes fixed on his face, the corners of her lips slightly curled.

He couldn’t stand looking at her too long. After a moment, his gaze darted down to the daisies on her nightstand, desperate to focus on anything but the sorrow in her eyes, and that’s when he saw it.

“You still have it.”

“What?”

He blinked as he stared down at the polaroid sitting inside the open drawer – both of them smiling on the jungle gym, his ears poking out of his hair, her shoelaces dangling several feet above crisp green grass.

“Our picture,” he explained, looking back at her. “You have it.”

Her jaw went slack as she turned her head to the end table, mouthing a silent, “Oh.”

“That,” she rasped, working her jaw as she stared at the photo. “Oh, I… I forgot it was there. I don’t… I don’t really open that drawer. Ever. So it must have… I must have…”

“But it’s your end table drawer. That’s where you keep snacks.”

“Oh, no.” She shook her head, moving quickly to push the drawer closed with her hip, but not before Ben saw a bag of sour brite crawlers peeking from beneath a book. “No, I don’t keep candy in the bedroom anymore. Trying to eat healthy.”

“Right,” he said, knitting his brows together as he stared at the closed drawer.

“Should we… Go? We should go, right? If you want to be there by lunchtime.”

“Yeah.” He nodded, finally raising his head again. “Yeah, let’s go.” 

____________

The greenery rolling past the window told Ben he’d finally made it out of the concrete maze of Coruscant, and that they were indeed moving north.

“This city sucks,” he huffed as Rey turned off the GPS on her phone and shoved it back into her pocket.

“You get used to it,” she shrugged, eyes fixed on the sun-stained fields to her right. “After a while it doesn’t seem as gray.”

“Sure. Bet after a while my apartment doesn’t seem as black.”

That made her laugh, resting her head on the leather seat as she turned to look at him.

“It’s kind of a meme, you know? Your obsession with black.”

“What’s a meme?”

She chuckled again, throwing her head back as she rested her feet on the dashboard. Ben certainly did _not_ look at her legs.

“It’s an Internet thing. Like… a recurring joke.”

“People make jokes about me?” he asked, one brow cocked in confusion. “Like, they actually know who I am?”

“Some people, yeah,” she nodded, her smile much less bright. “With certain interests.” 

“Like your friends.”

When she glanced over at him again, the smile was all but gone.

“Like my friends.”

Ben nodded, eyes fixed on the stark white lines flying past the car on either side of the highway.

“You like them?” he finally asked, his voice scratching his throat on its way out.

“What?”

“I mean, you obviously like them.” He shrugged, fingers flexing around the steering wheel. “They’re your friends. It’s just… We didn’t like a lot of people. Back in the day. Did we?”

The leather seat creaked when Rey shifted on it with a low chuckle.

“No. We didn’t. But they’re… Nice, yeah. Rose is awesome. She’s a confectioner. Used to work for a fancy restaurant before she opened her café, and she still has tons of contacts, so she set up a food bank for the families that are really struggling.” He could see her bright smile in his peripheral vision when she turned to face him. “The kids call her the cupcake fairy.” 

“The kids of the families you guys assist?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that where the drawings come from?” He shot her a quick glance, trying to take in the way the late morning sun enveloped her body, making the edges of her hair shine almost golden. “The ones in your apartment? And your office?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Most of our work is pro bono, so they… You know?”

“Yeah.” Ben smiled before he turned his attention back to the highway. “And the other guys?”

“Finn’s a sweetheart. And Poe…” She bit the insides of her cheeks, her gaze straying out the window again. “He’s difficult. Sometimes. But his heart’s in the right place, and he’s one hell of a good lawyer.” 

“I wouldn’t have gone there, you know?” he said, working his jaw. “If I knew it would cause you trouble.”

“It’s fine. It really is,” she answered, and he could hear the honesty in her voice. “Hey, wanna listen to some music?”

That made the tension on his shoulders melt ever so slightly, and he nodded, smiling at the road.

“Sure. Wanna see if I have some good CDs?”

Rey burst out laughing again as she fished the phone out of her pocket.

“No CDs needed. These phones do everything. What do you wanna listen to?”

“No Coldplay.”

She chuckled as she scrolled down what appeared to be some kind of list, humming every now and then.

“90’s alternative rock. Sounds good?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Great.”

Her hair eclipsed her face as she set the phone down on the center console and hit play. As she tucked it behind her ear, the bright day outside framed her side profile in sky blue and emerald green, making it easy to believe they were in his bedroom, listening to an album for the first time, unaware of the crushing weight of time.

“You got your hair cut.”

The first careless strums of a guitar filled the car as she turned to look at him, running her hand through her slightly damp hair.

“Yeah. A few years ago.”

“Looks good,” he said, eyes glued to the road. “It suits you. The shoulder-length thing.” 

“Thanks.”

The guitar was soon joined by the other instruments, and eventually by a raspy voice.

**_I would like to leave this city_ **

**_This old town don’t smell too pretty, and…_ **

“… _I can feel the warning signs, running around my mind_ ,” Ben crooned, making her chuckle. “C’mon, sing!”

“No,” she laughed, shaking her head as she plopped back on the seat. “No way.”

“Rey!

**_And when I leave this island_ **

**_I’ll book myself into a soul asylum_ **

She shook her head as he pointed at her, but her eyes were fixed on his face when she sang, “’ _Cause_ _I can feel the warning signs running around my mind_.”

“That’s more like it,” he said, turning his head to shoot her a grin. “Not that hard, was it?”

Her eyes looked as liquid and the glistening lake rolling past her window when she smiled back.

“No. Not hard at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you’ve probably figured out, they were listening to [ Half the World Away, ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tiqxn3iOmxY) Oasis (1994). 
> 
> Friendly reminder that this is a pretty angsty fic, guys! Chapters 9 and 10 will be nothing but ridiculous, unapologetic fluff, I promise, but until then... Yeah. You’ve been warned. Don’t worry, though! In the end, Ben and Rey will get /every second/ of happiness they deserve, if you know what I mean. *wink wink nudge nudge*
> 
> It’s a 13 Going On 30 AU, guys. C’mon. 
> 
> Please don’t hate my angsty ass? Love your faces <3
> 
> PS.: I forgot to add this little poll to the end of chapter 4, so here it goes. What do you think happened on Valentine's Day, 2006? Can't wait to hear your theories!


	6. The right words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remembering you, how you used to be  
> Slow drowned, you were angels,  
> So much more than everything  
> Hold for the last time, then slip away quietly  
> Open my eyes but I never see anything
> 
> If only I'd thought of the right words  
> I could have held onto your heart  
> If only I'd thought of the right words  
> I wouldn't be breaking apart  
> All my pictures of you
> 
> [ Pictures of You, ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmFFTkjs-O0) The Cure (1990)

During the three-hour drive from Coruscant to Chandrila, Ben learned many things.

He learned that his Kurt Cobain impression still made Rey laugh really hard; that laughing really hard still made her snort, which made her laugh even harder, and that she’d still cover her eyes while she cackled, as if the fact she couldn’t see the world meant the world couldn’t see her.

He also learned that, even though her hair was short now, she still whipped it around to the rhythm of good drum solos; that she still liked to wiggle her toes in time with the beat of the songs she liked the most, and that, even though her fingernails were a deep, professional-looking shade of red, she still painted her toenails bright yellow.

Come to think of it, he didn’t really learn anything _new_ , but every single detail of her that time had kept untouched did remind him of how painfully in love with her he was.

Not that he needed to be reminded of it, of course.

The drive also showed him that, even though he _knew_ everything had changed, nothing _felt_ different, which allowed him to pretend, for three glorious hours, that they were still what they’d always been.

As simple as breathing.

Simple, that is, until the houses rolling past the window started to look like Chandrila – or rather a version of Chandrila that looked eerily familiar and radically different at the same time; different enough to burst the blissful bubble he’d allowed to form around himself.

It made his throat clamp up, as is often the case with the weight of reality.

“Hey,” he said over the sound of Chris Cornell’s voice, grip tightening around the steering wheel.

Rey must have noticed the strain in his voice, because she grabbed her phone and turned the volume down until the music was barely a background murmur, nearly drowned out by the soft roaring of the engine.

“Yeah?”

“You said I haven’t seen my mom in a while.” He swallowed, eyes fixed on an immaculately trimmed lawn. “Is there anything… Anything I should know? Did I do anything or…”

“No.” Her voice was soft, and he could see her resting her feet on the leather seat as she hugged her knees to her chest. “No, nothing major, I think you just… You started coming back less and less, until you… Didn’t anymore. You know?”

Ben blinked, working his jaw as he took a left turn into Main Street.

“Do you think she’ll be mad?”

“No. Not mad,” Rey said softly, sinking into her seat. “Surprised, probably.”

“Right.”

He drove in silence for a moment, making a point of not glancing over in her direction. In hindsight, that was probably a bad idea, because not looking at her meant he didn’t see her hand coming to rest on his knee until it was inches away. Her touch almost made him miss the turn into his own street.

“Ben?”

“Hm?” he hummed, not trusting himself to speak when his heart was doing _that_ inside his chest. 

“It’s okay,” she murmured, giving his knee a gentle squeeze. “She’ll be happy to see you. I promise.”

He nodded, taking a deep breath before he rested his hand on top of hers.

And it did feel relaxing – her skin against his, his thumb caressing the side of her hand, the small smile he found on her lips when he threw her a sideways glance. It felt _glorious_ , but his heart still seemed to be pounding in his throat when he pulled up on his driveway.

 _“Not yours anymore, is it?”_ a furtive voice whispered from some deep and dark recess of his brain.

He did his best to ignore it as he gave Rey’s hand a final squeeze and opened the door, stepping out into a bright spring day.

Surprisingly enough, everything still looked the same: the immaculately green lawn, his mother’s hydrangea bushes, the pristine white façade, the creaking steps leading up to the front porch, the doormat that read, “I hope you told me you were coming over.”

His father’s pick, obviously. One of the very few things in the house he’d gotten to choose.

Ben could have laughed at the irony of it all, hadn’t the sound of Rey ringing the doorbell brought his attention right back to the door.

“Coming,” he heard his mother’s voice say, muffled and distant. Rey’s fingers brushed the back of his hand as the footsteps drew closer, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn his head and meet her gaze.

“Is it about the basement waterproofing thing again? Because I really –”

The house did look the same, but his mother certainly didn’t. As soon as she opened the door, the first thing Ben noticed was her graying hair.

He’d learned to pay attention to it, after all – to the beautiful, intricate braids she’d spend ages working on in front of the mirror – so it was no surprise his eyes went straight to the strands of silver woven through the crown plait sitting on her head.

As Ben lowered his gaze, however, he realized her face looked different, too. There were wrinkles in places he didn’t remember seeing them – on the corners of her eyes, on her forehead, around her mouth – but, most importantly, there was a heaviness to her chocolate eyes that looked completely foreign to him.

“Ben?” she murmured, gaze flitting across his face. “Rey, what –”

“Mom?” he whispered, feeling his brow furrow as he wrapped his arms around her. “ _Mom_.”

That’s when he realized he hadn’t hugged her in…

Well, in way too long. Even if the last fourteen years _hadn’t_ been erased from his mind; even if he _had_ been eighteen only the day before, the amount of time he’d gone without hugging his mother would still have been unacceptable, so he wound his arms tighter around her shoulders, resting his chin on the crown of her head as he pulled her to his chest.

It took her a moment to hug him back, and for a second of panic he thought she wouldn’t. When she did wrap her arms around his middle, though, she held onto him tight, and he couldn’t help but smile.

When Leia pulled back, her hands went straight up to his face, touching his cheeks as if to make sure he was really there.

“What…” she murmured, her confused gaze drifting over to Rey. “What happened?”

“We have a… Hm… A situation,” Rey answered, shrugging apologetically. “Ben kind of… We don’t really know what happened, but he –”

“I can’t remember anything,” he said, turning his attention back to Leia. “The last fourteen years are just… Just a blank, I don’t remember finishing high school, going to college, choosing this _ridiculous_ name, becoming a heartless piece of –”

“He’s really hung up on the Snoke thing,” Rey said, shrugging again. “And I think he likes bananas.”

“I don’t like bananas, bananas are gross.”

“Wait, what…” Leia squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. “What do you mean you don’t remember anything? Have you seen a doctor?”

“I told him to, but he wanted to try coming here first. To see if being back jogged his memory.”

“God,” Leia huffed, massaging her temples. “You should have gone right away, Ben, this could be serious. Did you hit your head? Get into an accident, or –”

“No.” He shook his head, rolling his lips. “No I just… Forgot.”

His mother looked at him for a moment, blinking before she nodded.

“Okay. Okay, well… Come in. Does your mom know you’re here, Rey?”

“No. I was going to call her when I arrived.”

“I’ll call her, then. Come in, you two. I’ll make us some coffee.”

___________

“Think you had a stroke?”

“Maz!” Ben set the mug down with a dull thud, frowning at the woman sitting across from him. “Can you two stop with the stroke thing already? That’s not what happened.”

“Well,” Rey drawled, licking chocolate off the corner of her mouth. Ben did _not_ look at her tongue as she did it. “You’ll need to get your brain scanned, you know that, right?”

“Not if I remember first,” he insisted, grabbing a sugar coated doughnut from the large box sitting on the table. “That’s why we’re here, right?”

“But don’t you have a faint idea of any of it? Going to college, getting into Law School, moving out?” his mother asked, brow furrowed.

“No.” He shook his head, taking a sip from his coffee. “No, it’s not like it’s hazy or anything, it’s just… gone. I literally remember a day fourteen years ago like it was yesterday. ”

“What day?” Maz asked, glasses fogged up by the steaming latte inside her cup.

“Does it matter?”

“I mean, it might be a clue,” Leia agreed with a nod. “You might have had a nervous breakdown and your brain just shut off a huge chunk of your memories for whatever reason. Trauma, or…”

“Yeah, well, it was…” Ben felt his ears burn under his hair as he trailed off, staring intently at the swirling coffee in front of him, its dark surface reflecting the warm lamp above his head.

“It was just a random school day,” he heard Rey’s voice say. When he raised his eyes to her face, the tell-tale crease on her forehead was there – the one that would form whenever she was lying. “Towards the end of senior year.”

Leia exchanged a meaningful look with Maz, corners of her lips pursed, before her gaze went looking for Ben’s.

“You remember… Your father, do you –”

“Yeah, I remember,” he rasped, eyes shooting down to his coffee again. “But it feels like it was two months ago.”

“Right,” Leia mumbled, hands clasped around her mug. “Well, maybe you… Do you kids want to take the Falcon? Drive around town, see if anything sparks a memory?”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Rey said, sucking chocolate off her thumb. “Right?”

“Yeah.” Ben’s voice came out as a weird croak, so he cleared his throat before he nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Good.” Leia offered him a small smile, reaching out to rest her hand on his. “You know where the keys are, don't you, Rey?” 

“Yeah,” Rey answered, the corners of her lips curled into a smile. He chair screaked against the kitchen floor as she stood up, and Ben followed. “Could we… I mean…”

There was still a heaviness to Leia’s eyes, but she chuckled softly as she closed the box of doughnuts and slid it across the table.

“Yeah, take it. We’re too old to be eating that.”

“Speak for yourself,” Maz huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “But, yeah, take it. Leia’s blood sugar’s off the charts.”

“No, it’s not!”

“Bye, you two,” Rey sang fondly as she grabbed the box. “We’ll be right back.”

“Oh, take your time, kids,” Leia said, a smile playing around her eyes. “Take your time.”

As they crossed the living room, making for the garage door, Ben glanced down at the box with a slight smirk.

“Thought you were trying to eat healthy.”

“Shut up,” Rey said as she grabbed a set of keys from the key hanger. “I didn’t have dessert.”

“You had a milkshake with your burger.”

“That was lunch, Benjamin, not dessert,” she huffed as he opened the door. Shaking her head, she climbed down the stairs to the garage. “Did you forget the rules of dessert, too?”

Ben stood at the top of the stairs for a moment, watching her standing by the Falcon, box clutched to her chest, thumb jabbing the button on the controller she was pointing to the garage door.

“No.” He smiled, shaking his head. “No, I didn’t forget.”

Sunlight crawled into the garage as the gate whined open, illuminating the empty space. Unlike the rest of the house, everything had changed here – the chaotic mess of his father’s tools, boxes, knick-knacks and thingamabobs was nowhere to be seen; his lifetime of hoarding apparently confined to a neatly stacked set of boxes sitting against the back wall.

 _Neatly stacked_. He’d be furious if he knew, Ben thought, biting the insides of his lips.

“You coming?”

When he looked over at the Falcon again, Rey was standing next to it, passenger door open, the box of doughnuts safely perched on the dashboard. 

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, blinking down at his feet as he jogged down the steps. “Yeah, coming.”

His head was still down when he slid into the driver’s seat, but he looked up as soon as he saw a flash of gold to his right.

Sure enough, there they were: his father’s dice dangling from the mirror, clinking together and glinting at him when he closed the door.

“God,” Rey said next to him as she buckled her seatbelt. “Smells like being sixteen.”

And it did. It smelled like old leather, somewhat woodsy, with a hint of mold; like endless afternoons driving aimlessly just because they could; like glancing over at the passenger seat and laughing at Rey lip-synching to some random song from the newest pop sensation whose name he made a point of not knowing.

He glanced over at her as the engine roared into life, and she was smiling at him, knees tucked against her chest, her teeth digging a pale groove onto her rosy bottom lip.

Maybe fourteen years weren’t that long after all, he thought as he smiled back at her, pulling out of the garage. 

She rolled her window down as they drove past the sleek black car parked on the driveway, and the breeze blew her scent onto his face as it gusted into the car.

“Where to?”

In his peripheral vision, he could see her throw her head back as he sped down the street. 

“Dunno. Just drive,” she said, facing the wind.

And he did.

He drove down Main Street, past restaurants and flower shops and newsstands, some of them as familiar as his own name, some of them perfect strangers, like the man he’d apparently become.

He drove past their school, every brown brick and pristine white window standing exactly as he remembered.

He drove by the football field, the lake, the picnic area, eyes roaming around every inch of bright green grass, trying to understand how a place could feel so close and so far away at the same time.

As Rey had asked, he just drove, only realizing where he was going when the car started to wobble up the narrow dirt road that snaked uphill, leading up to the highest point of Chandrila.

“Good call,” Rey murmured from the passenger seat, eyes fixed on the tall blades of grass rolling past her window. “We barely hung out anywhere else after you got your license, did we?”

“It’s a good hangout spot.”

“It is.”

It didn’t take them more than a couple of minutes to finally reach the lookout, the town down below looking like a sun-bathed, exceptionally gray model cradled between green fields.

“C’mon. Picnic time,” he said, smirking as he opened the door and slid out of the car. “Bring the doughnuts.”

“Bring the doughnuts,” she mumbled in an outrageously accurate impression of his voice, shaking her head as she stepped back into her sandals.

Ben chuckled as he walked to the edge of the hill, standing there for a moment before he sat cross-legged on the grass.

Rey set the box down in front of him before she plopped onto the ground, too.

“Take your peanut butter twist before I steal it.”

“You’d never.”

“Try me, bitch,” she mumbled as she reached for a bear claw.

Ben laughed again as he leaned back, left hand splayed over the grass, his right one reaching into the box.

They sat in silence for a moment, watching huge clouds roll over the city, the wind drenching the air around them in the smell of damp soil and slow afternoons.

It all felt like home, so much so that, when Ben closed his eyes, reveling in the salty sweetness of peanut butter on his tongue, he could almost pretend there wasn’t a single second in his life he didn’t remember.

“What school did you end up going to?” he finally asked when a particularly heavy-looking cloud cast a long shadow right over Main Street.

It took her a moment to answer.

“Coruscant.”

Ben blinked, turning to face her with a furrow between his brows.

“Coruscant?” he asked, shifting on the prickly grass. “We went to school together?”

She shrugged in response, chewing on the last bite of her bear claw.

“Well, we went to the same school.”

“But you said we hadn’t talked since… Since that day on…”

The breeze tugged at her hair when she nodded, averting her gaze back down to the box.

“We hadn’t.” It took her a moment to finally decide on a Boston cream. She didn’t look back at him as she brought the doughnut to her mouth, though, her gaze darting straight to the horizon. “We didn’t really… Didn’t really see each other at all in college.”

Ben sat in silence for a moment, peanut butter twist hanging precariously from his hand as he gaped at her side profile.

“We… I didn’t…?”

“I think I saw you once at a party,” she replied, licking some sugar off her lower lip. “But you left right after I arrived. And we took a course together – Cultural Sociology, I think.”

“And I didn’t talk to you then?”

That made her huff out a laugh, shaking her head.

“No, you kinda…” With a small shrug, she finally looked back at him. “Kinda just pretended I wasn’t there.”

It was Ben’s turn to avert his eyes, biting the insides of his cheeks as he set his half-eaten doughnut back in the box.

Pressing his lips together, he leaned forward to hug his bent knees, watching a flock of birds make its way over the football field.

“Even if I…” he rasped after a while. It felt like his throat was filled with sand. “Even if I remember, I don’t see any way I could make sense of _that_.”

Rey leaned forward, too, tucking her knees against her chest as she turned her head towards him.

“You must have had a reason.”

And Ben – Ben should have told her that, no, there was no plausible reason for him to simply ignore her existence. That she was the best part of his days; that sometimes thinking about seeing her was the only thing that gave him the strength to get up in the morning; that any day spent without her felt like a day of his life wasted. He should have told her that, no, unless he was actively trying to torture himself into madness, there was no rational explanation for actively drifting away from her.

He didn’t say any of it, of course. He just kept staring straight ahead instead, watching faint wisps of sunlight seep through the heavy clouds, painting golden streaks onto the sky only to be swallowed back a few short seconds later.

When he spoke again, his voice felt as thick as the scent of fresh grass in the wind.

“And the Resistance? Did you join right after college?”

“No,” Rey answered, popping the rest of the doughnut into her mouth. “It wasn’t a thing back then. I started working with families from Jakku who were trying to settle down in Coruscant – helping them out with the paperwork, acclimatizing, getting into the job market, finding psychological support, that kind of thing.” She licked her thumb clean as she sat back again, bracing herself on her left arm. “That’s how I met Poe and Finn, then Rose. We ended up founding the Resistance when… Well, when it became clear that Snoke’s ideas were gaining traction.”

Ben swallowed as he nodded, stinging eyes still fixed on the sky.

“It’s kinda pointless, isn’t it?” he grated out, working his jaw. “Saying I’m sorry if I don’t remember what I did? Or why I did it?”

He could have sworn he saw her smile in his peripheral vision, but he didn’t have it in him to turn and look.

“I don’t know, but it feels nice,” she said softly. He could feel her eyes trained on his side profile. “Hearing you say it. I always wondered if…”

The sudden heaviness that peeked through her voice finally made him look at her, only to find her eyes glimmering, lips pursed in the way they did when she was trying to make a decision.

“If?”

“If you ever thought of me.” The tension around her mouth dissipated when she said the words, leaving nothing but resignation behind. “When you thought about those children, if you ever… You know?”

His eyes flitted across her face as he nodded, feeling his chest squeeze at the blatant hurt in her eyes.

“I don’t need to remember it to know I did think of you.”

 _I don’t think my brain’s capable of not thinking of you_ , he should have added, but he didn’t.

“I don’t know if that makes it better or worse,” she murmured.

“Me neither.”

As they held each other’s gaze, a beam of sunlight came to rest right in front of them, painting the grass jade green.

Ben wasn’t quite sure what pushed it out of him – maybe the way he’d just realized she now had freckles on her forehead that weren’t in his mental chart; maybe the sad smile on her lips; maybe the way sunlight made the pain in her eyes almost palpable – but the next thing he knew the words were falling out of his mouth and into the world. 

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” His body tensed as he realized what he’d asked, and he shifted on the grass, doing his best to look nonchalant as he shrugged. “I mean, you’re… You know? Thirty-two and…”

_Stunning. Brilliant. Funny. Brave. Strong. Perfect._

“…and accomplished.”

 _Accomplished._ Fourteen years had seemingly done nothing to render his stupid mouth any more functional, he thought as he cringed internally, trying to keep it from showing on his face.

Rey didn’t cringe, though. In fact, a smile bloomed across her face, and it soon turned into a grin, which turned into laughter when she narrowed her eyes at him.

“Are you calling me a spinster?”

“No,” he rushed to spurt out as he sat up straight. “No, I’m just saying –”

Still chuckling, Rey tilted her head back, gaze wandering to the clear patch of blue sky above their heads.

“I know what you’re saying.” She smiled, throwing him a merciful side glance. “And I don’t know. I dated a few guys, but none of them were…” Working her lips, she went silent for a second, as if catching herself before something slipped out of her mouth. When she spoke again, her voice sounded a little too casual. “I mean, it just didn’t feel like it was worth it, so I eventually stopped trying. Just felt like way too much work for mediocre sex, you know?”

Something green and ugly twisted in Ben’s chest at the words, and he locked his jaw, fixing his gaze on the horizon to try and keep the mental image of her with other men away from his head.

Useless, of course.

When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse.

“I don’t, obviously. Know anything about… _that_.” His throat felt tight when he plucked a blade of grass from the ground, spinning it around between his forefinger and his thumb, eyes still glued to the sky. “But if what that Hux guy said is true, I probably felt the same.”

To his right, Rey chuckled softly, sliding her bare feet back and forth across the grass.

“Nah. You’re just a workaholic, I think. Married to the job.”

That made Ben chuckle, too, and he ran his fingers through his hair as he turned to face her again.

“A banana-loving workaholic sociopath? Oh, to see all your childhood dreams come true.”

When Rey threw her head back laughing, Ben allowed his gaze to linger on the column of her neck for a second, but his eyes snapped right back to the grass when she lowered her head again.

“I don’t actually think you like bananas, if that helps. Or Coldplay.”

A smirk formed on his lips, and he huffed out a laugh as he turned his attention back to the gray city down below.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. It means a lot.”

As Rey laughed, Ben let his gaze roam around the streets he knew so well, watching faint sunlight dance across geometric, perfectly aligned roofs, until something caught his eye.

“The playground.”

“What?”

“The playground,” he repeated, turning to face her. “It’s pretty much the last thing I remember, right? Maybe we should go there.”

Rey looked at him for a second, and then offered him a small smile, nodding as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Yeah,” she murmured. “Yeah, let’s try that.” 

The wind nipped at Ben’s bare arms as he stood up, picked up the box of doughnuts, and threw Chandrila one last look before he started to walk back to the car.

They drove in silence down the dirt road, the Falcon’s suspensions screeching ominously until they finally made it back to smooth asphalt.

“You eating this?” Rey asked as they glided past the lake, and only then did Ben realize she’d opened the box and was scanning the remaining doughnuts intently, apparently searching for her next one.

“You bet your ass,” he huffed, snatching his half-eaten peanut butter twist and shoving it into his mouth.

“Hey!”

“You asked!” he said, letting go of the steering wheel for a second to raise his hands in the air defensively. “Look, there’s a long john left. You love long johns.”

“I wanted peanut butter,” she mumbled with a small pout, sighing before she reached for a sugar-coated jam bun.

The ride to the playground was short and comfortably silent, and the sky had gone a pale shade of gray by the time Ben finally pulled up on the familiar tree-lined street.

Here, too, everything still looked the same. The red paint of the jungle gym might have peeled a little more, and the frame of the swing set was probably a little rustier, but all in all everything looked the way it was supposed to.

Ben’s eyes roamed around the equipment as he stepped out of the car, and he heard Rey’s door slam shut as he started to make his way towards the swing.

It was swaying gently with the wind, almost imperceptibly, but enough to make the old chains whine. His fingers lingered over rusty metal for a second, and then he made his way around the frame, sitting down on the old wooden seat with his back to the street.

He could tell Rey was standing right behind him, but for a long moment she didn’t say anything. In fact, she only spoke again when she, too, made her way around the set, coming to a stop right in front of him.

“Anything?”

When he shook his head and looked up at her, he found her biting into the partially eaten doughnut in her hand, coating her lips in sugar.

“No. Nothing.”

She hummed as she looked up at the sky, licking her lips clean.

“Maybe we should go, then. Pretty big storm brewing.”

Ben was about to agree when the merry-go-round caught his attention; its silver metal frame a little duller, maybe, but still standing on the same spot, right next to the sand box.

“Think we still got it?” he asked, jerking his head in its direction. When Rey turned around, popping the last bite of the bun into her mouth, she chuckled, shaking her head.

“No way in hell. I just ate half a box of doughnuts by myself.”

“And whose fault was that?”

“Yours,” she dead-panned, making him laugh. “And I’m an old woman now. Probably have labyrinthitis or something.”

Ben stood up slowly, lips pursed, and nodded down at her before he braced his hands on his hips.

“Maybe you did change, after all,” he said lowly, averting his gaze.

“What?”

He couldn’t really see her face, but he could almost hear the frown in her voice.

A beat of silence followed, and, when he finally looked down at her again, there was a smirk on his face.

“Never seen you so terrified of losing.”

“Fucking jerk,” she spat, forehead wrinkled in outrage. When she turned around, fists clenched, and started to stomp her way to the merry-go-round, he couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s fucking _on_.”

Ben laughed as he watched her climb onto the rusty seat, a determined look in her eyes as she closed her fingers around the wheel in the center of the metal structure.

“You coming, asshole?”

Still laughing, he jogged towards the carousel, immediately regretting the idea when he realized just how _small_ it looked. He probably stared a little too long, because she wiggled her brows, shooting him a teasing smirk.

“Oooh, chickening out?”

Her eyes were glinting as she scanned his face, and he shook his head, squeezing himself between the metal seat and the central wheel to sit down across from her.

“Never.”

“Good. Ready?”

“Readier than I’ve ever been.”

They grabbed the wheel at the same time, and Ben threw her another smirk as they started spinning.

He didn’t remember it being that easy, making the merry-go-round pick up speed until the world around them melted into a whirlwind of indistinguishable shapes and colors. Then again, maybe it hadn’t been that easy when they were younger. Maybe he was just a lot stronger now – strong enough to send Rey cackling and squealing in the span of a few short seconds, the sound of her laughter the only clear thing in his head.

“Stop! Ben, I’m gonna throw up!”

“Giving up?”

“Ben I’m gonna _kill you_! I said _stop_!”

“Sorry, I don’t hear you admitting defeat!”

“I lose!” she squealed, holding onto the metal bars behind her for dear life. “I lose, you win, please just –”

The spinning came to a sudden, jerky stop when Ben grasped the wheel firmly, and Rey toppled onto her side, laughing uncontrollably.

“I hate it here,” she gasped through her laughter, face buried in her hands.

“C’mon.” Ben smiled as he stood up, wobbling on his feet for a moment as he tried to squeeze his way out of the metal structure. “Holy shit, wait a second.”

Rey cackled as she watched him bend forward, hands on the central wheel, and squeeze his eyes shut in a vain effort to get the world to stop spinning.

“Feeling your age there, Solo?”

“Shut up.” Shaking his head, he stood up straight, rubbing his eyes with the balls of his hands. It took him another second to be able to climb down from the carousel, but, when he did, he offered her his hand to help her out. “C’mon, let’s go.”

She was smiling when she grabbed his hand, hopping down onto the grass.

“Shit, wait,” she laughed, swaying from side to side as she closed her eyes.

He closed his hands gently around her upper arms, steadying her on her feet with an amused smile. When she opened her eyes again and looked up at him, they were sparkling.

“Alright?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, huffing out a laugh as she braced her hands on his chest to keep her balance. “Yeah, just need a moment.”

He tried not to stare at the little bit of sugar on the corner of her mouth, he really did, but it was hard to tear his eyes away when her lips were _that_ close, looking like _that_.

“You got some…”

“On my mouth?”

“Yeah.”

“Here?”

She brought her thumb up to the wrong side, wiping a patch of clean skin.

“No, the other side. Lemme…”

Her eyes were trained on his face when he raised his thumb to the corner of her mouth, gently wiping away the sugar.

“Got it,” he murmured, heart racing in his chest when her lips twitched into a small smile.

“Thanks.”

And of course he should have pulled his hand back right away, but it felt like he was in a trance, his body and mind refusing to forgo the feeling of her skin under the pad of his thumb. He traced the edge of her smile softly, eyes glued to her lips, reveling in the sight of her tilting her head _just so_ , almost as if leaning into his touch.

“I’m sorry, too.”

He was still staring at her mouth when she said it, so he _knew_ she’d said it, but the words were barely audible; hushed and quiet, almost like a secret or a sin.

A deep furrow formed between his brows as he raised his gaze to her eyes.

“For what?”

The smile was still on her lips when she answered, but it was now sad, almost resigned.

“I don’t think I fought for you hard enough,” she murmured, eyes glimmering as they locked with his.

His frown deepened at the words, and he locked his jaw, watching the tips of his fingers caress her skin.

“It wasn’t your responsibility.”

“No.” She shook her head, offering him another sad smile. “But I wish I had.”

The wind picked up speed around them as they held each other’s gaze, seemingly unable to move, or maybe just unwilling to do so.

The first raindrop fell onto Ben’s skin, thin and icy, at the exact same moment their lips met.

It was very fast.

When he realized she was pushing up on her toes, her hands were already fisted into the front of his shirt, pulling him down to meet her halfway, not giving him the time to think it through.

Not that he _wouldn’t_ have dipped his head down to capture her mouth if he’d had the time to think better of it. A thousand years of careful consideration still wouldn’t have been enough to stop him from kissing her, but a stunned sigh still escaped his lips the second he felt the touch of hers, velvety and warm just like he’d always dreamed they’d be.

He stood still, holding his breath as her grip on his shirt tightened, fingernails scraping this chest as she pulled his body to hers.

Then she sighed against his mouth, and the tickling of her breath on his lips drove home the fact that this was _actually_ happening. 

Apparently, the realization was too much for his brain, because it seemed to shut down when he brought both hands to her face, pulling her head to him as he sucked her bottom lip between his.

He shuddered when her fingers slid down his chest and stomach, her splayed hands resting there for a moment before they slid to his back, urgent and restless, almost as if she _wanted_ this. Almost as if she’d thought about this, too – as if she’d dreamed of his mouth and his touch and his taste just as much as he’d dreamed of hers.

His brain was still a hazy mess, clouded by vanilla and peppermint, when he parted his lips to caress hers, oblivious to the distant sound of his rational mind screaming that she couldn’t _possibly_ want him, too; that she couldn’t _possibly_ have –

Every last trace of rationality left his body when her tongue slid against his, sweet and scorching, her fingers digging into his shoulder blades as she deepened the kiss.

And it was too much, really, asking Ben _not_ to moan into her mouth as he worked his lips over hers, their tongues taking turns in lapping rhythmically against each other; dipping between parted lips to fetch small gasps and sighs that had been sitting there for way too long. 

“ _Rey_.”

It felt like the ragged murmur in the shape of her name had summoned the clap of thunder that roared in the distance, rattling the dome of obliviousness they’d built around themselves.

Rattling it hard enough to make it shatter, it seemed, judging by the way Rey pulled back almost immediately, parted lips stained red from their kiss, wide eyes fixed on his face.

Only in the absence of her heat did Ben realize how cold the rain felt on his skin.

He tried to lean in again, his tongue throbbing with the lingering taste of hers, but she pulled away again, rocking back down from her tiptoes as she swallowed.

“Rey –”

“We shouldn’t,” she whispered, the pressure of her fingers on his back going lighter and lighter until her hands finally slid back to her sides. “We shouldn’t – I can’t, I –”

Lightning ripped its way across the sky again, making gray clouds flash white, and Ben slowly lowered his hands, too, his rational mind kicking in now that her lips weren’t there to push it away.

“You didn’t…” he stuttered, pressing his lips together. “You didn’t want to… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –“

“That’s not it.” When she shook her head, he could see the raindrops sitting on her hair, tiny crystal beads woven through chestnut brown. “That’s not… Can we go? It’s raining, can we…”

He just nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from her face as she shifted on her feet, looking at anything but him.

His mouth still tasted like her.

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s…”

Before he’d finished the sentence, she’d already walked past him, eyes downcast and fists clenched by her sides. He kept staring at the rain-sprinkled grass for a moment, chest heaving, until the sound of the car door closing several feet away made him shudder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so…. that happened. How long do you think Rey can resist that fuckable redwood? Place your bets!
> 
> Since I know some of you may be wondering, yes, that was their first kiss. The Valentine’s Day mystery remains…
> 
> I’m sorry I was ridiculously behind on replying to comments – I tried to work on it today, and I did my best not to spam anyone’s inbox, but I’m sorry if I did! I’ll try to be better about it from now on, I promise! Please know that I read each comment you guys leave on my stories several times, and they always make my day!
> 
> Love your faces <3


	7. Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I'd give up forever to touch you  
> 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
> You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
> And I don't want to go home right now
> 
> And all I can taste is this moment  
> And all I can breathe is your life  
> And sooner or later it's over  
> I just don't wanna miss you tonight
> 
> [Iris,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw) Goo Goo Dolls (1998)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Sooooo, I’m sorry about that hiatus? *puppy eyes*
> 
> Well, not really sorry, if I’m being honest. As you all know, there are people all over the world fighting for their right to live right now, and I just didn’t feel right updating since the protests started. I’ll be updating every other day this week, though, which means the story will be complete by Sunday. Yay! 
> 
> The fight for Black lives is still very much alive, though, as it should be, so please consider signing [these](https://twitter.com/danielsleftoe/status/1269447624957890561) petitions that haven’t reached their goals yet.

The drive back to his house was silent, but not comfortably so.

The silence was thick and gray, much like the massive clouds eclipsing every last bit of blue in the sky.

Ben managed to chance a glance at Rey, just the one, only to find her pressing her closed fist over her mouth, eyes fixed on the droplets of water drawing long patterns on the fogged up window.

“Is it okay if we wait out the storm at my place?” he asked lowly, eyes fixed on the road

For a moment, Rey’s silence made the whining of the windshield wiper sound deafening. 

“Or I could drive you to yours now. It’s not that –”

“No.” The seat creaked when she shifted on it, still looking out the window. “No it’s… It’s looking pretty bad. Let’s just wait at yours.”

Once again, silence fell between them, dense and suffocating, louder than the stampede of rain on the roof of the car. 

Ben’s hand was trembling ever so slightly when he finally pulled up in front of the garage and pressed the button on the small remote control, causing the white gate to slowly drift open. He swallowed thickly, his eyes fixed straight ahead as he changed the gear and pulled the car forward again.

Being inside muffled the sound of the roaring storm, but the raindrops falling loudly on the roof of the garage were still very audible when the gate whined closed behind them, blocking the dim, grayish daylight still shining outside and submerging them in the kind of storm-brewed darkness that feels out of place in the late afternoon.

Ben sat in silence for a moment, every muscle in his body telling him to just walk away and leave her alone, but something inside him kept him from opening the car door – some low voice hidden deep in his chest telling him the least he could do was apologize.

“I…” he rasped, swallowing before he finally turned to face her. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to –”

“You don’t have to apologize,” she murmured, eyes fixed on her clasped hands. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have…”

Rey let out a long, quivering breath, eyelids fluttering shut before she, too, turned to face him. When her gaze finally locked with his, her eyes were glistening.

“I shouldn’t have done it.” Her voice was barely audible; so low Ben could have mistaken it for the wind howling outside, hadn’t he seen her lips move. “I know it… I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, that… That you never thought about us that way but –”

As she trailed off, averting her gaze towards the sparkling raindrops sliding down the windshield, Ben blinked, furrowing his brow at her.

“What do you mean?” he murmured, his eyes trying to catch her drifting gaze.

“You know what I mean,” she rasped, still looking at anything but him. “That you never wanted me like… Like that. And it’s fine – It’s _fine_ , I’m the one who shouldn’t –”

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

The words came out hoarse and strained, as if wary of the faint daylight they were seeing for the first time. For a seemingly endless stretch of silence, they just hung in the air, spreading lazily through the stuffy car as Rey's eyes drifted slowly to Ben's face.

"W-what?"

When their gazes locked, he pressed his lips together, but it wasn't enough to hold back another string of words that had lived in the dark way too long.

“I’ve been in love with you my whole life.”

The sound of the rain was all Ben could hear as Rey's wide eyes roamed around his face, her lips parted, a slight furrow forming between her brows.

She just stared at him in silence for a long moment, causing embarrassment to churn uncomfortably in his chest. He opened his mouth to speak; to tell her that it didn’t have to be weird; that he could just deal with it in silence like he always had, but the words got trapped in his throat when her hands came to rest on either side of his neck, trembling and tentative, her eyes flitting across his face.

It felt like she stared at him forever, but in reality it couldn’t have taken her more than a second to lean over the center console and press her lips to his.

It was all a blur in Ben’s head. He had no idea how her hands had ended up in his hair; how _his_ arms had ended up wrapped around her waist; how their tongues had gone back to sliding against each other with the ferocity of the downpour stomping the roof above their heads, but he didn’t have it in him to care about the details.

Not when she was panting against his lips and tugging at his hair, her breath hot and ragged against his mouth. Not when she kept arching her back so he could pull her closer, his arms winding tighter and tighter around her middle with each sigh she poured into their kiss.

Not when she felt and sounded and tasted like she _wanted_ him.

The car wobbled and creaked when she crawled onto his lap, causing his mind to go blank for a second.

“Rey, I –” he panted in between kisses as she straddled him, arms firmly wound around her middle. “You –”

“When we were kids, did you…” Her whisper felt scorching against his lips; partially muffled by the kissing he couldn’t bring himself to stop. “When you asked me to prom, was it –”

That made him stop and lean back a little, just enough to look into her glinting, expectant eyes.

“Because I didn’t think I’d survive seeing you go with someone else,” he grated out, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “Because I loved you so much.”

She let out a shuddering breath at his words, her hands trembling on either side of his neck as her thumbs traced his jawline.

Her silence didn’t last long. Within a second, her mouth was slanted over his again, soft and pleading, and all he could think about was committing the taste of her tongue to memory in case this _was_ , after all, just a crazy dream. He _had_ dreamed about this more times than he would have been proud to admit, after all.

To be fair, not _this_. Not exactly. In his daydreams, he’d lay her down on a bed; pepper her face with kisses as he told her how beautiful she was; undress her unhurriedly, taking his time to memorize the freckles on her body the way he’d memorized the ones on her face.

He’d kiss her and love her the way she deserved to be loved – patiently, adoringly, making sure she knew how precious she was.

So maybe his father’s whining, wobbling, slightly moldy old car wasn’t exactly on par with his teenage fantasies, but the way she was kissing him and panting his name like it was precious – like _he_ was precious – made something bloom in his chest; something fragile and beautiful that whispered maybe they’d get to do this again many times, and that maybe she’d let him love her the way he wanted to.

It sounded a lot like hope.

A low moan rumbled in Ben’s throat when he lowered his hands from her waist to her thighs, only to find out her skirt had already bunched up around her middle, leaving her legs bare.

She seemed to notice what the realization did to him, because she leaned back at the sound of his arousal, untangling her hands from his hair, and brought them to her own shoulders.

Ben moved to recapture her lips, but stopped when a flick of her fingers caused the straps of her dress to fall down her upper arms. He could tell her eyes were trained on his face, but couldn’t bring himself to look away from her chest as her thumbs slid into the neckline and pulled it down, causing it to settle right under her breasts.

“Shit,” he breathed out, gawking at her pebbled nipples. “Holy shit.”

It felt like and out-of-body experience, watching his own fingers skim over the dusting of freckles crowning the swell of her breasts; hearing her sigh softly when the pad of his thumb dragged tentatively over one of her nipples, making it tighten even more.

“Is it… Is it okay if –”

“Yeah.” She nodded, hands sliding up his arms, settling on his shoulders. “Yeah, just – _Shit_.”

When he licked a nipple into his mouth, she sucked in a long hiss, fingernails digging into his skin.

He had no idea how much friction was too much – _Did this hurt? Was it even good?_ – so he just tried his best to be gentle, ignoring this roaring _thing_ in his chest telling him to leave his mark on her; to paint her skin with bites and bruises that would later prove this hadn’t been a dream.

It seemed to be enough, whatever it was that he was doing, because it made her squirm and writhe on his lap, her fingers tugging at his hair as she dipped her hips down to –

_Oh._

It was his turn to hiss when she grinded against his erection, making his cock twitch almost painfully.

Heat rose to his cheeks as he tore his lips away from her breast, which caused a small whimper to fall from her lips.

Of course it was disrespectful to wake up with a hard-on after dreaming of her, but this was… This was ok, right?

He was about to ask, leaning back to meet her eyes, when she latched her lips onto his again, grinding harder against his crotch.

The answer was yes, then, he supposed.

Not that he would have been able to linger on the issue too long – _especially_ not when her hands slid between their bodies and started to work on unbuttoning his jeans.

His hands slid up her thighs to cup her ass while she worked, his hips bucking forward involuntarily, chasing the friction in spite of his brain’s plea for him to go slow.

In his defense, she didn’t seem too keen on going slow, either. Not a second after the sound of his jeans being unzipped filled up the car, her fingers started to tug his pants and boxers down – just a little, but enough for his cock to spring free, resting hot and heavy on his stomach.

“You know I have no idea what I’m doing, right?” he groaned into her neck, hands kneading at her ass.

That made her chuckle as she shifted on his lap, positioning her bent knees more comfortably on either side of his legs.

“Just don’t overthink it.”

“That sounds out of character.”

With another chuckle, she carded her fingers gently through his hair, tilting her head as he kissed her pulse point.

“Just….”

One of her hands came to rest over his right one, which was still palming at her ass, coaxing him to slide it down the back of her thigh until his fingers were brushing the damp cotton of her underwear.

“Can I –”

“Yeah.” Letting go of his wrist to bring her hand up to his chest, she looped her other arm around his neck. “Yeah, just…”

She swayed her hips as she started to kiss him again, causing his fingers to slide through her slit. The groan that escaped his lips when he felt how wet she was sounded almost animalistic.

“God, Rey, you’re… _Fuck_.”

He tried to stick to the rhythm she’d shown him, pulling her thong to the side so he could feel her skin. As she chuffed and panted, his other hand slid up her torso, coming to rest on her nape to deepen their kiss.

In all honesty, it wasn’t _fully_ intentional, sliding the tip of his middle finger into her. She was just so _wet_ it slipped in while he was exploring, but, judging by the long moan she let out into his mouth, she didn’t seem to _dislike_ it. 

In fact, she seemed to like it quite a lot, if the way she canted her hips to take him deeper was any indication.

Ben’s brain blanked for a moment, so wrapped up in how warm and soft and _pliant_ she felt around his finger he didn’t realize she was reaching between their bodies until her fingers closed around the base of his cock.

“Fuck,” he hissed into her mouth, teeth digging into her lower lip. “ _Shit_.”

“Is it okay?” she whispered, kissing the corner of his mouth as she started to pump her fist up and down.

“ _Holy shit_.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah, _fuck_ ,” he chuffed, nuzzling against her cheek. “Fuck, you’re so wet.”

And she was. He could feel her slick coating his palm as he pumped his finger into her, still cupping her nape firmly with his other hand.

“My clit, can you…” She arched her spine, causing the fingers he didn’t have buried in her to slide up towards her pubic bone.

“Like that?”

“Yeah,” she exhaled, tugging at his hair when the tip of his forefinger dragged over her clit. “Yeah, right there.”

The storm kept raging on outside. Ben could tell by the odd clap of thunder and by the sheets of rain falling heavily on the roof of the garage, but the sound of their ragged breathing and the wet clicking filling up the car were loud enough to drown it out, or maybe just way too distracting for him to pay attention to anything else.

He kept palming sloppily at her cunt while her hand picked up speed around his cock, his fingers rubbing her clit harder each time he tried to reach deeper into her.

“I love you.” He kissed the words into her cheek before tilting his head to nip at her jaw. “I love you so much. I’ve always loved you so much.”

The small whimper that fell from her lips tickled the shell of his ear, and her walls fluttered around his fingers at the exact same time her thumb dragged heavily over the tip of his cock.

“Rey, I’m gonna… I’m gonna come if you keep that up.”

“It’s okay.” She nuzzled into his hair, dragging her nose along his ear. “It’s okay, you can…”

“No.” The hand he’d been using to cradle her nape dipped between them as he shook his head, his fingers wrapping around her wrist to make her stop. “No, not before… I mean, if you want to…”

His fingers kept working between her legs, albeit more slowly, as she rested her forehead against his, breathing heavily.

“I want to.”

“Okay,” he said, trying to ignore his cock’s borderline painful twitch. “Okay, do you… Do you have a condom? ‘Cause I –”

“I’m on the pill,” she breathed out, nuzzling his nose. “You’re practically a priest, I’m practically a nun, I think we’re good.”

He huffed out a laugh as he slanted his lips over hers, reveling in the shape of her smile as she kissed him back.

His finger slipped out of her when she raised her hips, and he pressed his slick-covered hand to the small of her back, helping her keep her balance as she positioned his head at her entrance. 

“Okay?” she asked, one arm firmly wrapped around his neck as her other hand held his cock. Her hair was falling over her face, so he brought his free hand to tuck it behind her ear and cup her cheek.

“Yeah.”

It was a lie, of course. Not an intentional one, but there was just no way he could have known just how unprepared he was for the feeling of her sinking down on him, hot and pliant, plunging his body and his mind into a stupor he could only compare to diving headfirst into icy water.

For a moment, every single muscle in his body seemed to tense at the same time; his brain submerged in a weird haze that made frivolous physiological functions like breathing seem absolutely secondary.

And then he felt _everything_. It was like every little sensation came rushing back with the force of a thousand summer storms – the heat of her walls stretching to accommodate him, the light graze of her fingernails on his scalp, the soft tickling of her ragged breath against his lips, the warmth of her skin under his hands.

She moved slowly, eyes screwed shut, her breathing going shallower each time she managed to take him deeper.

Ben remained unmoving. Scared that he might hurt her if he gave in to this all-consuming urge to flex his hips, he just kept his hands on her waist, completely still, until he was fully sheathed inside of her at last.

It felt like an eternity.

“Are you… Is it…” he murmured, unable to formulate any coherent thoughts through the agonizing, blinding pressure seizing his lower abdomen.

“It’s good.” She brushed her lips against his, grip on his hair tightening. “It’s so good.”

The hand she’d used to guide his cock was still tucked between their bodies, and she slid it up to rub her clit, moaning softly into his mouth.

“You want me to do that?”

“No, it’s okay,” she said, shaking her head with her eyes closed. “You can… Move if you…”

Another moan fell from her lips, and he took it for himself, slotting his mouth over hers as he lowered his hands to her hips.

He just kept kissing her for a while as she touched herself, fully aware of the fact that he wouldn’t last long once he started moving. Luckily enough, she seemed to be wound tight from his previous ministrations, because it didn’t take long for her walls to start fluttering around him, finally making the pressure around the base of his shaft almost unbearable.

He slid his hands down to her butt, moving his hips back an inch before he pushed into her again.

Even an inch was too much.

With a long hiss and a shudder, he buried his fingers into her hips, every inch of his body tensing up at the same time. It felt addicting, this scorching, _blissful_ wave of pleasure lapping at his body from the inside, so he did it again, and again, and again, lifting her higher and flexing his hips a little more forcefully each time he pulled her back down his length.

After a while, she started to sway her hips to assist each thrust, and that’s when they became _proper_ thrusts, any hesitation or tentativeness lost in the haze of his pleasure.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he growled against her mouth, and she threw her head back, clearly holding back a whimper. “So good, baby.”

His mouth traveled down to her neck, suckling and nibbling on each inch of skin it found on its way; pushing a small, muffled cry out of her lips.

The rhythm of her fingers on her clit was frantic by the time he started driving into her with short, sharp snaps of his hips, causing the car to whine lowly in time with their movement.

It felt like she weighed nothing; that his arms where barely working each time they yanked her body back down to his, but, then again, maybe that was due to the fact that he couldn’t feel much other than this iron fist squeezing his lower abdomen, making him pant and growl into her skin.

To no one’s surprise, he didn’t last long, but neither did she.

She actually came first, much to his relief. He could tell she tried hard to muffle the whimper that escaped her throat when her orgasm hit. It was obvious in the way she screwed her eyes shut and buried her face in his hair, but he could still hear it, muffled and desperate, rippling across his flesh at the exact same moment her walls clenched hard around him.

There was no way he would have lasted another second after that.

The release was beautifully agonizing; unlike anything he’d ever imagined this might feel like. His entire body shuddered as he came, and he would have been embarrassed by the crudeness of the sounds that escaped his throat, had there been any room in his brain for embarrassment.

There wasn’t.

There wasn’t room for anything but _her_ – her arms looped around his shoulders, her bare chest heaving in time with his; the soft puffs of air falling from her lips and caressing his cheek, warm and velvety.

His arms were wound tightly around her waist, and he had no idea how they’d ended up there – _hadn’t his hands been on her hips a second before?_ – but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when it meant her torso was pressed flush against his, so close he could feel her heart beat frantically against his.

She kept running her fingers through his hair, breathing heavily as he mouthed lazily at her neck.

“It stopped raining,” she whispered after a long while.

He hadn’t noticed it, but the storm seemed to have, indeed, simmered down. All he could hear now was the pitter-patter of its afterglow drumming on the roof above them, soft and metallic, oddly calming like the sound of her breathing.

“Yeah,” he answered, nose tucked under her jaw. “Do you…”

He swallowed, trying hard not to let his anxiety peek through his voice.

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“No,” she whispered, her voice low and drowsy. “No, I don’t.”

________

Ben felt the weight of Rey’s body lying on top of his before he opened his eyes, so rationally he knew it hadn’t been a dream.

He still had to open his eyes to check, though. 

The garage was plunged in darkness, illuminated by nothing but the dim silver gleam streaming in through the high, narrow windows. The world was silent, too – he could hear nothing but the faint sound of crickets in the distance and Rey’s soft breathing. It made him smile.

She must have rearranged herself more comfortably on his lap at some point, because she was lying on her side on his chest, nose brushing his neck, her feet resting on the passenger seat. She’d also pulled the neckline of her dress back up, and he would have been lying if he said it wasn’t a bit disappointing, not being able to see her breasts, but he felt like he had no right to be complaining.

Quite the opposite, really.

She grumbled against his skin when he opened the door as quietly as possible, but he just smiled, pressing a kiss to her hair.

“I’m taking you to bed, okay?”

She didn’t answer, but instead just nuzzled under his jaw, her breath tickling his skin.

Her sandals were lying on the passenger seat, so he picked them up before he pushed the door open, doing his best not to dislodge her from his shoulder, and scooped her into his arms.

It was tricky, stepping out of the car without waking her up, but she _did_ wrap her arms around his neck sleepily, which turned out to be helpful.

Another half-hearted grumble vibrated against his neck when he pushed the door closed with his foot, and he turned his head to check if she’d opened her eyes, only to find her sound asleep, lips slightly parted, her eyelashes casting long shadows onto her cheeks.

Opening the garage door while holding her wasn’t the easiest of tasks, either, but, once he stepped into the living room, things were a lot simpler.

The stairs leading up to the bedrooms were still creaky as hell, of course, but his mother was nowhere to be seen, probably sound asleep, too, so he didn’t really put effort into avoiding the steps he knew to be noisy.

It was only when he pushed his bedroom door with his knee, making it drift open with a low whine, that he realized he hadn’t gone in there yet.

He wasn’t sure why, but he breathed out a sigh of relief when he found everything exactly the same as he remembered, as if he had indeed been lying on his bed only two days before.

Everything was tinged blue by moonlight, of course, but it was all there: his stereo, his books, his posters, his games, the rug on which he and Rey had listened to every single one of the albums neatly stacked on his shelf.

Pressing a kiss to her temple, he pushed the door closed with his foot, and it clicked shut behind him before he started to move towards the bed. 

She didn’t protest when he laid her down, but she did nuzzle into his pillow when he grabbed the folded blanket on the foot of the bed and covered her with it.

It was uncanny, really, the way none of his fantasies had come even close to seeing her like that, asleep in his bed, chestnut hair streaked blue and silver by the deepening darkness.

His eyes remained trained on her as he toed off his shoes, smiling down at her sleeping form before he finally lay down next to her.

“Ben?”

“Shhh.” He pressed a kiss into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her middle from behind, pulling her to his chest. “Go back to sleep. I got you.”

The way she relaxed into his arms at the words made him kiss her hair again, breathing in the scent of vanilla, peppermint, and…

Happiness, he assumed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My smut always makes me super self-conscious, ‘cause conveying emotional weight through sex and not slipping into cheesy territory is very tricky, but I hope you enjoyed that? *fingers crossed*
> 
> Now, I think I promised you some angst. See you on Wednesday =)
> 
> Love your faces!


	8. Breakable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's talk this over  
> It's not like we're dead  
> Was it something I did?  
> Was it something you said?
> 
> Don't leave me hanging  
> In a city so dead  
> Held up so high  
> On such a breakable thread
> 
> You were all the things I thought I knew  
> And I thought we could be
> 
> [ My Happy Ending,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8QYxmpuyxg) Avril Lavigne (2004)

_Ben was staring at the city down below when he heard the sound of a plastic bag crinkling to his side._

_“Can’t believe you brought that.”_

_“Did you bring candy, Captain Snob?”_

_“No.”_

_“Then shush,” Rey said, handing him the bag. “And take one. Toast time.”_

_When he turned to stick his hand into the bag with a sigh, she was smirking. It made him smile._

_“To Valentine’s Day,” he said, raising his Sour Brite Crawler in the air._

_“To Valentine’s Day,” she echoed, touching her worm to his before she threw her head back and dropped it into her mouth._

_Ben grimaced when the sourness exploded on his tongue, shuddering as he looked towards the horizon._

_“Gross.”_

_“Not as gross as Josh and Kath tongue-wrestling in the hallway.”_

_“Yeah, where did that come from?” He glanced over at her, forehead creased, to find her chewing, the profile of her face haloed by golden sunlight._

_“No idea,” she said, her voice muffled by the candy. “They probably think it’ll make them prom king and queen.”_

_“They going together?”_

_The bag crinkled when Rey shoved her hand into it again, lips pursed disapprovingly._

_“Yeah. He asked her today. So lame, you should have seen it. Petals and shit.” Rolling her eyes, she popped the gummy into her mouth and licked sugar off her thumb. “Like, dude, chill.”_

_“Haven’t they been together for like a week?” Ben asked, a rift between his brows. “Prom’s in like three months.”_

_“That’s what I’m saying.” Her tongue darted out to lick some sugar off her lower lip as she leaned back, splaying her hands on the grass behind her. Ben tried not to stare. “Obvious publicity stunt. So lame.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_A cloudless blue sky had stretched over Chandrila that afternoon, the day so bright Ben was pretty sure he could see the highway snaking all the way to the corn fields. He kept his eyes fixed on it as he swallowed, trying to coax his heart into a steady rhythm._

_“You got plans?”_

_“What?”_

_“Prom,” he said, trying to look nonchalant as he turned to face her._

_Rey furrowed her brow at him, her head tilting to the side ever so slightly._

_“Yeah. Same as Homecoming. Staying home and playing Warcraft with you. Why d-”_

_Then she stopped, and he could have sworn her face fell ever so slightly as she swallowed the remnants of candy in her mouth._

_“Do you have plans? Are you… Are you asking someone? Is it Biology Liza? ‘Cause she –”_

_“No.” Ben shook his head, knitting his brows together. “No, why would I go with Biology Liza?”_

_Rey’s face still looked off when she shrugged, leaning forward to fiddle with her shoelaces._

_“She’s cute.”_

_If Ben was being honest, he wouldn’t have been able to pick Biology Liza (or anyone in Biology, for that matter) out of a lineup – not when Rey was sitting so close to him on the workstation. He wasn’t about to say that out loud, though._

_“No.” Shaking his head again, he plucked a blade of grass from the ground, spinning it absentmindedly between his fingers. “No, I just thought… It’s prom, you know? Don’t you think we’ll regret missing it?”_

_“You regret missing Homecoming?”_

_“No, but it’s different.”_

_Rey shrugged again as she fixed the tongue of her ancient white Chucks._

_“I guess.”_

_“So maybe we could go together.”_

_He said it so fast he wasn’t sure she’d even understood the words. Not until she raised her eyes slowly, brow slightly furrowed._

_“Together?”_

_“I mean…” He cleared his throat, trying not to let the hammering state of his heart peek through his voice. “No corsage, I promise. I know you hate them. It would be just… You know? Like… Unless you want to go with someone, that’s totally –”_

_“No,” she said, her voice slightly strained. “No, I… I think it’d be cool.”_

_When Ben gathered the courage to look at her face again, she was smiling softly, hazel eyes shining green under a faultlessly blue sky._

_“Yeah?”_

_Her smile widened when she nodded, fingers still fiddling with her shoelaces._

_“Yeah.”_

The first thing Ben felt upon waking up was the warm weight in his arms, followed closely by Rey’s scent wrapping itself around all his senses. Eyes still closed, he nuzzled into her hair, smiling softly when she hummed lazily in response.

She was still asleep. He could tell by the cadence of her breathing and by the limpness of her body, but she still nestled further into his embrace, unwittingly pressing her backside to his crotch.

His lower abdomen tingled at the contact, but he chose to ignore it, breathing in her scent for another moment before he finally opened his eyes.

Pale morning light had already started to seep into his bedroom, casting long shadows and making Rey’s skin look golden against his pale complexion. Another small smile formed on his lips when he ran his thumb over the back of her hand, pressing a gentle kiss into her hair to breathe her in.

What should he do, now? Wake her up?

He dismissed the idea right away, closing his eyes as he drew in a deep breath. She hated being woken up, and it was obviously too early.

What if he brought her breakfast? Wasn’t that what people did?

Right. Rey liked breakfast, he thought as he untangled their bodies as carefully as he possibly could

As he stepped into his sneakers, Ben looked down at her sleeping form, watching daylight caress the delicate outlines of her face. Her hair was falling over her eyes, so he braced one hand on the mattress and leaned over her to brush it back, softly dragging his fingers along her hairline and her temple. For a long moment, he just smiled down at her, hand lingering in her hair, watching her slightly bruised lips part softly as she breathed.

 _Bruised_. From _his_ kisses. The realization made his smile widen, and he had to physically resist the urge to dip down and press his mouth to hers, finally realizing he probably looked creepy enough just standing there watching her sleep. Letting out a small sigh, he stood back up, looking at her for another second before he walked silently out of the room.

His mother’s bedroom door was still closed, which meant she was probably still asleep, so he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen with no fear of being intercepted and bombarded with questions.

It was definitely for the best, ‘cause he wouldn’t have known what to answer, he thought as he approached the fridge.

He certainly knew what he’d _like_ to answer, but he had no idea if Rey would answer the same, which made him blow out a long breath as he opened the chrome door and stood there, hand on his hip, staring at the eggs.

She’d initiated it, hadn’t she? Sex. Literal sex. With _him_.

 _“She never told you she loved you back_ , _though_ , _did she_?” a tiny voice whispered inside his brain, making him purse his lips.

Maybe breakfast was too much.

Coffee. Coffee sounded good, he decided with a small nod, grabbing a carton of milk before he finally closed the door.

He tried not to overthink the previous night as he turned on the coffee machine, he really did, but it wasn’t easy – not when the memories were so fresh in his mind.

They came in flashes as he waited for the coffee to brew, staring out the kitchen window; watching the thin morning mist dissipate as sunlight yawned and stretched over the grass.

The taste of her tongue. The warmth of her breath. The softness of her touch. The feeling of being in her, under her, around her, _everywhere_ – of being able to wrap his arms around her and pull her close to him and onto him like she _belonged_ to him.

Like she _wanted_ to belong to him, just like he’d always belonged to her.

The thought made him smile as he watched yellow daylight catch on dew drops, bright green leaves, and brand new hopes.

Once the smell of fresh coffee had spread through the kitchen, he finally moved to grab two mugs, pressing his lips together as he opened the overhead cabinet, eyes skimming through spices.

Not five minutes later, he was climbing up the stairs again, two steaming coffees in hand, heart hammering a wild pattern inside his chest.

His eyes were fixed on the mugs as he opened the door, doing his best to avoid spillage, which is why he didn’t notice Rey sitting on the edge of the bed right away.

“Hey,” he said softly as he pushed the door closed, his voice still thick with sleep. “Did I wake you up?”

She looked up at him, her face almost ethereal under the first beams of sunlight, and swallowed as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

“N-no,” she muttered, fingers straightening her dress as she stood up and stepped into her sandals. “No, not really.”

“Good.” He smiled as he inched closer to her, extending one of the mugs he was holding. “Coffee? Mom only had this weird organic vanilla extract, so I don’t know if it’s any good.”

“It’s kinda trendy now. Organic stuff,” she said, eyes fixed on the latte he was handing her.

“Is it?”

She didn’t answer, nor did she take the mug before she raised her eyes to his face, wetting her lips.

“I have to go, Ben.”

He felt his brow furrow as his eyes scanned her face. With a low thud, he set the cups down on the nightstand, freeing his hands to rest them gently on her upper arms.

“What? Why? Something came up at work?” he asked, trying to decipher the look in her eyes. “‘Cause I can drive us back, let me just –”

“No,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “No, it’s fine, I’ll have my mom drive me or… Or take the bus, I think there’s one at eight.”

She didn’t meet his gaze as she said that. Not really. Her eyes seemed to be willing to settle anywhere but his face, drifting aimlessly from his shoulders and chest to the posters on the walls.

“Rey?” he breathed out, caressing her shoulders with his thumbs. “What’s wrong?”

That made her finally look at him, her eyes glistening in the lingering traces of dawn.

“I can’t do this.”

It was a whisper, thin and feeble, but it still resounded through the grayish air, seeping through Ben’s flesh and all the way down to his bones.

“Do what?”

“ _This_. This, I can’t…” When she shook her head, a tear escaped the corner of her eye. She rushed to brush it away. “I’m sorry Ben, I can’t.”

He didn’t have to ask her what she meant by _this_ , of course. His brain understood it immediately, as if he’d been waiting for her to say it, but that didn’t make the heavy weight plummeting to the bottom of his stomach any less icy.

“Why?” was all he managed to breathe out, unable to tear his hands away from her skin.

She didn’t move away from his touch, either.

“Because you were right,” she murmured instead, lips barely moving. “You’re going to remember, and then… Then everything’s going to make sense to you. Every choice you made, everything you did – it’s all gonna make sense, and I… ” Her voice broke, and she pressed her lips together, shaking her head before she completed the sentence. “I can’t be around when that happens. Because it means you’ll make those choices again.”

“No.” He leaned down, bringing his face closer to hers as his eyes flitted across her face. “No, I… I’m here, Rey. I’m here. I’m choosing you. I’m never gonna choose anything else, I –”

“You already did, though.” Her tone was tired. Defeated. This time around, she didn’t even move to wipe away the tear sliding down her cheek. “You had every chance, Ben. Every chance to reach out and… And try to… To talk to me, to make things right, to stop going that way, but you didn’t. I waited, and you didn’t. Not while you remembered. Not when you knew why you didn’t want me anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” He drew in a deep, shuddering breath as he raised his hands to her neck, blinking back tears, desperately trying to think back to the last day he remembered. The playground. The walk home. His bed. “I’m so sorry. I was probably… I was probably thinking you were better off without me. That you’d be happier – that your life would be better if –”

“I wasn’t happier,” she rasped as the tear trickling down her face made its way around her pursed lips. “And my life wasn’t better. And that wasn’t your decision to make.”

“I know. I know but –”

“You broke my heart.” The words seemed to unleash the tears in her eyes, because they were streaming freely down her face now, glimmering in the dim morning light. “You broke my heart over and over again – you _chose_ to do it over and over again, every time you took a step further away from me; every time you treated me like a stranger.” A dry sob escaped her throat, and she bit the inside of her lips, shaking her head again. “ _A stranger_ , Ben. You were the only person in the world who knew me, and all of a sudden I was alone. Completely alone. _Again_. And you never even let me know why.”

“You’re not alone,” he choked out, wiping a tear from her jaw. “I’m right here, Rey. Right here.”

“You’re not, though,” she murmured, shaking her head feebly. “This… this version of you, this… This person, this is not you anymore.”

“Rey, it’s me.”

“No, it’s not,” she choked out, her voice warped by tears. “But it felt so good, pretending that it was. Like one of those amazing dreams you don’t want to wake up from, and I let myself get lost in it, I… I lived so long daydreaming about you showing up and telling me all these things that when you finally did I… I let myself get lost in my own fantasy. I couldn’t bring myself to wake up.” 

She was clearly doing her best to draw in deep breaths when she finally raised her hand to wipe away the tears on her face.

“It was so easy,” she sniffled breathlessly, “telling myself you were two different people. That maybe – that maybe you _did_ love me; that maybe you could leave Kylo Ren behind for me. That maybe _my_ Ben was still in there, ready to come back to me. That this is what we could have been if…”

A longer weep shook her shoulders, and she closed her eyes, clearly trying to keep more tears from coming.

“But that’s all it was,” she whispered, tears thudding softly as they fell to the ground. “Denial, pretend, make believe. ‘Cause you’re not two different people. You _are_ Kylo Ren, and you’re going to remember why you became him, and I’m going to have my heart shattered again and I don’t think I’d survive that, Ben.”

Drawing in a long breath, Rey tilted her head as if chasing his touch despite herself; as if leaning into the way his fingers felt against her skin to commit it to memory.

“I love you too much to do this to myself.”

And there’s _something_ – something about hearing what you’ve always wanted to hear but not in the way you wanted to hear it that just makes for a different kind of heartbreak.

Maybe that’s what this hollow, cold ache in Ben’s chest was.

“Please, don’t go,” he managed to squeeze out through the tears in his throat, hands still resting on her neck.

“I know I’m the one who fucked up yesterday, and I’m sorry.” She blinked up at him, working her lips as if the words tasted sour on her tongue. “But this won’t mean a thing to you once you remember. I promise.”

That finally made his hands fall slowly back to his sides, his brows knitted together, eyes flitting incredulously across every inch of her tear-stained face.

“This won’t mean a thing to me?” he echoed, maybe in the hope that hearing the words in his own voice would help him make sense of them. It didn’t, of course. “You were in that apartment. You _saw_ it. I down whole bottles of scotch looking at your face, I keep your favorite ice cream stocked, I have _your birthday_ as my phone’s passcode, I…”

His fingers darted up to his hair of their own accord, running through it in a desperate attempt to stop shaking. When he spoke again, his voice was lower and hoarser, tinged with an edge of resignation.

“Do you know what my password really was? On the laptop?” He clenched his jaw, trying to keep more tears from streaming down his face as he held her gaze. “Valentine’s Day, 2006. The day I asked you to prom. The day you said yes.”

There was a long beat of silence, filled by nothing but their heavy, ragged breathing. For a seemingly endless moment, Rey just stared at him, misty-eyed and resigned. And then she smiled – a sad, broken smile, accompanied by a small shrug.

“We never went. Did you know that?”

Her voice was low and raspy, but the words felt like a violent shove to his chest. He stood there, blinking, as she drew in a deep breath. 

“A week after the playground,” she continued, wiping her cheek, “a week before prom I… I was stupid enough to text you asking if you still wanted to go. You replied. Said prom was stupid and you wouldn’t be caught dead in it.”

The sun was rising in the horizon. Ben had his back to the window, but he could tell by the way the day grew stronger by the minute, each new beam of sunlight unraveling the pain on Rey’s face.

He’d much rather be submerged in darkness.

“I cried in my mom’s arms the whole night,” she rasped, a fresh sun-tinged tear trickling down her cheek. “I’d gotten a dress and all. It was yellow, ‘cause I knew you liked that yellow sundress I had.”

And he probably should have told her that he did love her in yellow. And in green, and in orange, and in red, and, fuck, even in black, because there was nothing in the world – no color, no twist of fate, no god or lack thereof – that could ever make him love her less.

He probably should have, but he didn’t, because it felt wrong, saying anything when the pain so blatantly etched in her eyes was _his_ doing.

It felt wrong, and it felt selfish, and it felt dirty, so he just stood there, the silent tears trailing down his face doing nothing to ease the agonizing pressure inside his chest.

“The worst part is I never stopped loving you,” she finally whispered after a long moment, her lips twitching into a joyless, self-deprecating smile. “And I tried, God knows I tried, and sometimes I thought I’d finally done it, but then I’d hear your name somewhere, or your face would show up on the TV, and then it would be hell again. But…”

She stopped for a second, raising her chin almost imperceptibly as she swallowed. “But I still managed to make a life for myself,” she murmured with a small, resigned shrug. “It’s not… It’s not _extraordinary_ , but it’s good. It’s good, I’ve got… friends, and a job, and it’s _safe_ , and it might not be _this,”_ she choked out, gesturing to the space between them, _“_ but it’s… It’s good. And it’s enough. It has to be enough.”

His hands itched to touch her, so he balled them into fists by his sides, wetting his trembling lips. Before him, Rey tilted her head ever so slightly, her eyes shining with a bittersweet glimmer that looked a lot like goodbye.

“I love you.”

He seemed unable to keep it from falling from his lips, because it was the truth, and because it felt like she had the right to hear it even if it was too late; even if it didn’t matter anymore; even if all the love in the world wasn’t enough to turn back time.

It made her smile.

“And I believe that,” she said, voice low and thick with tears. “I believe you might have meant that when we were eighteen, but we’re not eighteen anymore, Ben. You chose many things since then, and none of those things were me. And I can’t be around when you choose again.”

Then she raised her fingers to his face, and he shuddered when her hand cupped his cheek, thumb brushing away a tear from the corner of his eye.

It was probably goodbye, what she wanted to say, but once again she seemed to struggle saying it, because what fell from her lips instead was something else entirely.

“I’ve always loved you.”

The words seemed to linger in the air when she lowered her hand again, her lips set in a small smile as she held his gaze.

She never physically said the word goodbye, but she didn’t have to.

It was stitched into each second they stared at each in silence, their breathing the only sound disrupting the silence in the bedroom. It was carved into the flash of melancholy that crossed her eyes when they darted to the floor, brimming with tears. It echoed in the long breath she took before she nodded, eyes still downcast; in the sound of her footsteps crossing the bedroom; in the loud click of the door opening and closing.

Ben couldn’t bring himself to watch her leave.

He kept his gaze fixed straight ahead instead; glued to the point where she’d been standing. It meant that now he was looking directly at his bed, and he took a step towards it, eyes roaming up and down the patch of the duvet that was shaped like her.

Slowly, he sat down, watching his fingers hover above the pillow on which her hair had been splayed; watching his father’s watch glint on his wrist, catching the faint light woven through the deafening silence.

His right thumb traced the edge of the golden metal body, feeling each little indentation time had left there.

“I’m sorry, dad,” he rasped. A tear fell heavily on the pillowcase, right next to his hand. “I’m so sorry.”

His fingers dug into the pillow, as if trying to hold onto whatever was left of her in that bedroom, and he sucked in a long breath, face twisted by pain.

“I’m sorry I’m mad at you, and I’m sorry I don’t know how not to be,” he grated out, voice thick with tears. “I’m sorry I don’t remember if I ever learned how to fly. I’m sorry I fucked up and I don’t know how to go back.”

A long, dry sob shook his shoulders, and he squeezed his eyes shut, bringing his wrist to his chest and pressing the watch to his heart.

His thumb kept tracing the circles around the cold, battered metal as he cried, feeling his heart thunder against the old leather strap.

“I’m sorry you’re not here.”

It was barely a sentence, more like shorts sobs loosely shaped like the words. Eventually, his body seemed to succumb to the weight of his pain, because he lay down slowly, resting his face on a pillowcase that smelled like her.

The scent filled his lungs each time he gasped for air, and soon enough the world was reduced to it – to the smell of her hair and the shape of her smile and the sound of her laughter ringing through sun-tinged mornings.

She was the only thing in his mind when grief and exhaustion finally got the best of him, dragging him down into a dense, restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my defense, the tags do say angst. 
> 
> I’M SORRY, OK? I’ll make it right on Friday, I promise. Please don’t hate me?
> 
> Love your faces 😭


	9. By the wrist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
> Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
> So make the best of this test and don't ask why  
> It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
> 
> It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right  
> I hope you had the time of your life
> 
> [ Good Riddance, ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc) Green Day (1997)

_“Hold on, kiddo.”_

_The soft bump of the landing gear touching the ground was familiar, but it still made Ben hold onto the edge of his seat, feet firmly planted on the floor._

_“Bit of a bumpy one,” Han said through the headset, throwing Ben a side smile. “You alright there?”_

_“Yeah.” He nodded, his body relaxing as the plane glided smoothly down the runway. “Yeah, fine.”_

_“Good. Let’s get this beauty in the hangar, then. Before your mom shows up to drag us home by the ear.”_

_Ben smiled softly at that, eyes fixed on the massive hangars to his right – the ones that had looked like Lego houses not a minute ago._

_“These look so tiny from up there,” he said as his father taxied his way through a large chrome gate._

_“Yeah.” Han shrugged, brow furrowed in concentration as he maneuvered the aircraft. “It’s all about perspective. Like how Chewie doesn’t seem half as annoying when he ain’t sitting by my side for sixteen hours straight, y’know?”_

_With a low chuckle, Ben turned to face his father, watching him check the time before flipping a couple switches on the panel._

_“You love uncle Chewie.”_

_“Well, yeah, but flying with him is a whole different animal.”_

_The words made Ben smile, but they also caused a heaviness to settle in his chest – an icy, insidious reminder that in a couple of weeks this would all be gone._

_“Do you regret it?” he asked, finally taking off his headset. It made his head feel a hundred times lighter._

_“What?”_

_“Becoming a pilot. Do you ever regret it?”_

_To his surprise, the question made his father chuckle. Han took off his own headset, smirking and throwing Ben an amused sideways glance as he ran his fingers through his artfully messy hair._

_“Other than having you and marrying your mom, I regret every single one of my decisions at least twice a day, kid. Having cereal this morning instead of eggs? Big regret.”_

_“Why do you still do it, then?” Ben’s bouncing right foot came to rest on his left thigh, allowing him to fiddle absentmindedly with his shoelaces. “Why didn’t you choose something else?”_

_Han sat in silence for a moment, eyes fixed on the control panel. His old leather jacket rustled when he draped his arm over the back of his seat, finally turning around to face Ben properly._

_“Listen, kid,” he said, leaning closer to his son, “you’re going to make a lot of choices in life. And sometimes when your head’s really messed up for some reason or another, it’s very hard to tell what the right choice is. Damn, sometimes it’s hard to tell even when your head’s doing just fine. And sometimes – this one’s a bitch – sometimes even when you’re sure you made the right call, it will still leave you with a shit ton of regrets.”_

_“But what if…” Ben rolled his lips, fidgeting with the hem of his jeans. “What if the regrets are there because it was actually the wrong call?”_

_‘What if you had chosen to stay with us instead’ went unsaid in the thick silence that fell over the cockpit._

_Han looked at Ben in silence for another moment, jaw clenched, before offering him a small nod. “Right,” he rasped, leaning back a little as he took off his glasses._

_“Right, look. You’re going to make the wrong call, too. More than once. You’re my son, aren’t you?” He huffed a laugh through his nose, throwing Ben a lopsided grin. “And the thing about wrong calls is that sometimes they lead you to another wrong call, and then another one, and then another one, and when you realize you fucked up it feels like there’s no going back on the shit you did. And sometimes there ain’t.”_

_“That’s uplifting,” Ben mumbled, looking down at his shoe._

_“Hey, I’m not good at pep talk like your mom, okay? Just telling you like it is. You can’t turn back time – it would be great, by the way, but you can’t – so of course there are some things you just can’t undo. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to find your way back, even when you feel like you’ve strayed way too far. It's never too late to make the right choice, even if you’ve been making the wrong ones for a while.”_

_“But how are you supposed to know you’re making the wrong ones in the first place?”_

_Han nodded, offering Ben a small shrug._

_“That’s the tough part, yeah. It’s not always clear-cut. But hey, let’s make a deal.” With a smirk, he placed his hand on Ben’s jiggling foot, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll always be there to let you know if I think you’re going the wrong way, okay? Even when I’m not home; even when I’m far away, I’ll be there to nudge you in the right direction. To say, ‘hey, kid, fucked up there a bit,’ so you don’t have to take the long road like I did. How does that sound?”_

_For some reason, it sounded reassuring, like the weight of his father’s hand on his foot, so Ben nodded with a small smile._

_“Good. Sounds good.”_

_“Deal, then.” Han smiled, too, putting his glasses back on as he reached for the door handle. “Now c’mon, hop off this plane, copilot. Time to go home.”_

“Dad.”

Once again, Ben woke up to the sound of his own voice gasping out the word, hoarse and strained.

When he opened his eyes, the room was bathed in pale sunlight, which meant dawn had finally bled into morning.

He couldn’t have slept for over half an hour, he thought as he blinked, squinting at the window.

His head was pounding, and his eyes felt swollen, so he rubbed them as he sat up on the bed, gaze roaming around the yellow-tinged room.

Right. This is where he was. This is what had happened.

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but for some reason it was still a surprise, seeing that everything looked the same.

It was borderline eerie, seeing his posters hanging there; his stereo sitting on the same spot; his books and CDs and games all quietly lined up on the shelf the same way they’d always been.

There was something hopeless about seeing the world around him remain unchanged when this hole in his chest throbbed and ached, screaming nothing would ever be the same again.

He locked his jaw, feeling his eyes sting as they darted downwards, and that’s when he realized the mugs he’d brought to the bedroom weren’t sitting on his nightstand, where he’d left them.

Had his mother come in and picked them up?

Had Rey met her on her way out and told her everything?

A hot lump formed in his throat at the thought, and he scooted over to the edge of the bed, gaze downcast, doing his best to blink back tears.

When he looked down at his feet, making to stand up, however, he froze, because what his eyes found weren't the sleek, black leather sneakers he’d grabbed from his apartment, but…

Old, battered, muddy black Chucks.

He blinked several times, only now realizing his clothes were… _damp?_

His hands flew instinctively to his chest, patting his torso, to find he was wearing his black Joy Division T-shirt and his old blue jeans; to find that, sure, he was still way too tall for his own good, but not unwieldly broad like he remembered being when he fell asleep.

Lips parted in disbelief, he brought his hand up to his nose, pinching it hard before he closed his mouth and tried hard to breathe in.

He couldn’t. 

The realization made him spring to his feet with no input from his rational mind, and the next thing he knew he was slamming his bedroom door behind him and jogging down the stairs, eyes flitting feverishly around the sunbathed living room.

“Ben? You up?”

When he heard his mother’s voice, Ben stopped dead, hand on the wooden railing, eyes darting towards the doorway through which he could see part of the kitchen. Slowly, his legs dragged him down the rest of the stairs, his footsteps silent, as if scared he might wake up if he made too much noise.

His steps where still hesitant when he swallowed thickly and entered the kitchen to find Leia leaning against the granite island, cradling a cup of coffee.

Her hair wasn’t braided yet, but falling loosely down her shoulders, its hues of chestnut looking particularly rich against her fluffy white robe.

No strand of silver to be seen.

“Mom?” he heard his voice ask. _His_ voice, not some impossibly deep, impossibly rumbly version of it. 

“Ben, why’s there mud all over the house, and…” His mother blinked and set her coffee down as her gaze roamed down his body, a deep rift forming between her brows. “Are you _wet_?”

“What day is it?” he rasped, taking an involuntary step towards the kitchen island.

Leia blinked again in response, raising her eyes back to his face.

“Monday. You should be getting ready for school Ben, what –”

“No, what day of the month?” The words fell from his lips fast and shaky, tinged with unmistakable anxiety. “What day of the month, mom, what –”

“May… May eighth, I think. Why do you –”

“2006?”

That made Leia cock her head, face twisted into a confused frown.

“Yes, Ben, 2006. What the hell’s going on? Why –”

Before she’d finished the sentence, Ben had already closed the distance between them and pulled her flush to his heaving chest, eyes screwed shut as he rested his chin on the crown of her head.

“ _Mom_.”

“Ben, what –”

“I have to talk to Rey,” Ben spurted out as his mother leaned back to look at his face. He placed his hands on her shoulders, swallowing as he nodded. “I have to go. I have to –”

“Ben?” Leia called as he took two steps back. “Ben, can you _please_ tell me –”

Once again, he didn’t wait to hear the rest of the question. By the time Leia called his name again, he was already stumbling his way out of the kitchen and into the front hall.

“Benjamin!” he heard her call one last time as he slammed the front door shut behind him, but he didn’t reply.

He ran instead.

The sound of the soles of his shoes stomping the ground was muffled by the wet grass of his front lawn for the first few strides, but then it resounded through the morning air, sharp and loud, as soon as he hit the sidewalk.

All around him, the world was bursting into life.

Every blade of grass; every rose bush; every tree; every shrubbery seemed to have drunk up the previous night’s storm and turned it into new branches, new leaves, new buds. They were tiny, still, fragile and barely noticeable, yes, but they were there, just like the glistening asphalt below his feet and the faultlessly blue sky above his head.

In all honesty, Ben didn’t really see them, though. He could smell damp soil in the cold breeze that tugged at his hair as he ran, of course, but he was too busy trying to get his legs to go faster to notice anything but the sound of his steps slapping the ground. 

His lungs were on fire by the time he swerved left into Rey’s street, but he didn’t stop, nor did he slow down when he reached her front porch. He just kept running instead, until his open palms slammed against her front door, slapping it repeatedly.

“Rey!” he called, panting heavily. “Rey, are you –”

“What the hell, kid?”

His hand froze midair when someone pulled the door open, and he looked down to find Maz staring up at him through her huge glasses, one hand on her hip and the other one on the door knob.

“Maz, Rey, is she… I need to talk to her, is she…”

“Catch your breath, Benjamin, Jesus Christ!” Maz said, brows knitted together. “Where’s the fire? What’s –”

“I need to talk to her,” he repeated, bringing his hands to his hips as he panted. “Please, is she –”

“Ben…” Maz glanced over her shoulder, and her face looked softer when she turned back around with a small sigh. “I don’t think this is the best idea. I don’t know what happened yesterday, but maybe she needs a little –”

“I fucked up,” Ben rasped, wetting his lips. “I fucked up and I really need to apologize. Please.” 

Maz stared at him in silence for a moment, and then sighed again, throwing another quick glance over her shoulder.

“I’ll ask her if she wants to see you, okay?” she finally said, her voice low and kind. “If she doesn’t, I won’t make her.”

“Of course.” Ben nodded, blinking rapidly. “Of course, I’ll… I’ll wait.”

The tiny woman nodded as well before she closed the door again, disappearing into the house.

Ben felt like he waited for hours.

At first, he just took a step back and stood there, looking at the door as if he could will it to open again.

When that didn’t work, he started pacing back and forth across the porch, hands in his pockets, blowing out long, quivering breaths every now and then.

That didn’t seem to work, either, so he stopped again, tapping his fingers impatiently on one of the white porch columns as he gnawed at his lower lip.

He must have been standing there for little over a minute by the time the door creaked open again, making his head snap towards the sound.

Rey had her arms crossed when she stepped out, and she raised one of her hands to rub her pink, swollen nose as she closed the door behind her. 

Then she stood there, red-rimmed eyes trained on his face, her long brown hair a tangled mess as it fell over her shoulders and down her chest.

She looked like a miracle.

An eighteen-year-old miracle.

“What do you want?” she finally asked, raising her chin almost imperceptibly as she wound her arms tighter around her middle.

For a moment, all Ben could do was blink, his wide eyes travelling slowly from her freckled face down to the frayed hem of the ridiculously oversized Nirvana shirt she liked to sleep in.

“Ben?”

The sound of his name on her lips made his eyes dart back up, only to find her staring at him with her lips pursed, shifting on her bare feet.

“I should be getting ready for school, so I’ll just –”

“I’m sorry,” he spurted out before she could finish the sentence. “I’m so sorry, Rey.”

“For what?” she asked defiantly, squaring her shoulders. “You said you meant it.”

“I didn’t.” Shaking his head, he took a step forward, mustering all his self-control not to reach out and touch her. “I didn’t, but I know it doesn’t matter. I still said it, and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t, and I’m just so fucking sorry.”

Rey didn’t answer, but just held his gaze instead, jaw locked and arms still crossed over her chest. Ben could see tears in her eyes, but she seemed to be doing her best to keep them from falling.

“I know I’m a mess right now. I’m… I’m just…” he stuttered, his voice feeble and broken. “I’m mad. I’m mad at my dad for leaving, I’m mad at myself for being mad and I just can’t seem to break the cycle. And I guess…” When his voice finally cracked, he cleared his throat, pressing his lips together. “And I guess I was just trying to push you away ‘cause I know I’m hurting you and I know you shouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit, but that’s not my choice to make. It’s yours.”

Her eyes darted to her feet as he said that, and she wiped a tear away the second before it fell, blinking rapidly down at the floor.

“So if you…” he went on, searching for her gaze. “If you need to step away right now, I understand. And I can’t promise you I’ll just stop feeling these things overnight, but I _can_ promise you I’ll work on my shit while you’re away and that… And that every decision I make from now on, I’ll be making to find my way back to you.”

When she looked up at him again, tears were streaming freely down her face, and she wiped some of them away with the back of her hand, her lips trembling ever so slightly.

“I’ll choose you,” he rasped, eyes locked with hers. “Always. I promise.”

“What changed?” Her voice sounded raspy, strained by the tears trapped in her throat. “What… Why did…”

“I had the worst nightmare tonight,” he answered, wetting his lips. “We were like… thirty-something, and it was _horrible_ – I worked for Snoke and –”

“ _Snoke_?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed with a nod, his brows shooting up. “Snoke! I was an asshole, and I had all these itchy suits, and this apartment – God, Rey, you should have seen this apartment, looked like a Castlevania dungeon – and you hated me, but it turned out you didn’t _hate_ me. You loved me, too, but you walked away because I was horrible, obviously, and you –”

“What do you mean, ‘loved you too’?”

Ben’s jaw snapped shut at the words, and he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, unable to produce any sound.

“I – I…” he stammered, feeling heat crawl up his neck, rising to his cheeks and his ears. “I…”

His eyes fluttered shut for a moment, and he brought his hands to his hips, blowing out a long breath.

This was supposed to be about honesty, wasn’t it?

“Listen.” He wet his lips and opened his eyes, only to find Rey staring at him wide-eyed, arms hanging limply at her sides. “I know you don’t… I know you don’t feel that way, and it’s alright. It’s alright, I promise. It doesn’t have to be weird, we can just –”

“Do _you_ feel that way?”

Her eyes flittered across his face as he swallowed thickly, offering her a small, defeated shrug.

“It doesn’t matter. I – I won’t be a creep about it or anything. I’ve kept it to myself for years, I can just –”

In all honesty, he wasn’t quite sure _what_ he could have done to make it _not_ weird, but luckily enough he didn’t have to come up with anything, because Rey’s arms were around his neck and her lips were on his before he’d finished the sentence.

He stumbled backwards – whether from the impact of her body crashing against his or from sheer shock, he’d never know. All he knew was his arms wrapped instinctively around her waist to keep them both from falling, but she didn’t seem too worried about that.

She just kept kissing him; pulling his head down so she could press her lips harder against his; her breath tickling his skin and making his brain go completely blank for what felt like an eternity.

“Rey,” he managed to squeeze out against her mouth. “What are you –”

“Kissing you, idiot,” she panted, carding her fingers through his hair to pull his face to hers.

“Why are you –”

“Because I love you, Benjamin, Jesus fucking –”

 _That_ made him pull away an inch or two, brows knitted together, sure that he must have misheard her.

“You what?”

“I’ve been in love with you my whole _life_ , what – _Oh_.” Her face fell slowly as she rocked back down from her tiptoes, arms loosening around his neck. “That’s not what you meant, is it? You meant… as friends, or… God, did I just get it all wrong? Because –”

It was Ben’s turn to close the distance between them, pressing his lips to hers a little more forcefully than strictly necessary. It made her sigh against his mouth, and he wound his arms tighter around her waist, pulling her body back to his.

She tasted _exactly_ the same as she had in his dream, but he didn’t have it in him to linger on how big a coincidence that was. Not when she parted her lips to caress his mouth with hers, sighing softly when the tips of their tongues brushed.

Their kiss was considerably less desperate than the ones he’d dreamed about. Urgent, yes, but more delicate, too, like the rain-sprinkled buds sitting on the rose bushes in front of the porch, fragile and bursting with new life.

Ben’s left hand eventually came to rest on her right cheek, cupping her face, and he broke the kiss for a second, keeping his mouth a hairbreadth away from hers.

“Do you really want this?” he panted, thumb dragging along her cheekbone. “Do you –”

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” She pressed her forehead to his as she said it, eyes sparkling, her fingers gently caressing his forearm. Then her lips twitched into a smile – a particularly wide, particularly bright version of his favorite one – and he couldn’t help but smile back as he leaned in again, ready to recapture her mouth.

When he was close enough to feel her breath, though, he saw her eyebrows knit together, so he stopped, watching her eyes dart toward his wrist.

“How do you have this?”

Ben glanced down at the hand cupping her face to find her fingers resting on his wrist, tracing the edges of his father’s wristwatch.

“I…” he stammered, frowning down at the watch as the image of it partially buried in the mud flashed inside his head. “I must have picked it up? Before I left, I must have…”

“No.” Rey shook her head, eyes darting back to his face. “I picked it up, brought it home with me, cleaned it up… It – It was in my bedroom, in my snack drawer, how did –”

“Hey, kids?”

The voice made them both jump, and their heads snapped towards the front door to find Maz standing there with a smug smile on her lips, hands on her hips, staring at them over the thick frame of her glasses.

“As much as I’d love to have you making out on my porch all day, both of you have school in forty minutes and you,” she pointed at Ben, raising an eyebrow, “smell like a wet dog.”

“Mom, can you just…” Rey jerked her head sideways, a mortified look on her face, but Maz just laughed, shaking her head.

“Hurry up, okay? You can make out under the bleachers or whatever it is the kids are doing these days.”

“ _Mom!_ ”

“Going!”

When Rey turned back around, cheeks still flushed, Ben smiled down at her, feeling his heart beat in his throat.

“Want me to drive by? Pick you up?”

“Yeah.” She smiled and nodded, resting her hands on his forearms as he cupped her face. Ben felt her fingers graze his watch, but she didn’t mention it again. They had plenty of time to figure it out, he guessed. “Yeah… See you, then?”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them seemed to be ready to move, though. They stood there for a long moment, smiling at each other, until a voice echoed from inside the house again, muffled and distant.

“School!”

“Yeah, right,” Rey said, wetting her lips. “Go, go!”

“I’m going.”

“Don’t look like it.”

“I am!”

Ben took a few hesitant steps back, hands falling to his sides as he looked at her standing there in her Nirvana T-shirt, biting her swollen lip, a shit-eating grin on her face. On reaching the front steps, however, he stopped, pressing his lips together before he darted towards her again.

Rey’s squeal echoed through the green morning when he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up in one swift movement, slotting his lips over hers to drink up the giggle that bubbled out of her chest.

It felt unbelievable, having her whole body pressed to his like that, her hands raising goosebumps up and down his arms as they slid through his hair, so he just kept working his lips over hers, their kiss all sighs and teeth and giggles, until Maz yelled again.

“If I have to go out there again I swear to _God_ –” 

“Okay,” he whispered, pecking her lips repeatedly as he lowered her back to the ground. “Alright.”

She pressed her forehead to his, both hands cupping his face, before pressing a peck to his mouth.

“Go. You do smell kinda wet.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

Ben could feel the shape of her smile when he kissed her one last time, squeezing her waist before he finally started to make his way back home.

He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of her for too long, though, because he turned back around the second the reached her front lawn, starting to walk backwards with his hands in his pockets.

He found her looking back at him, head on a white column, the kilowatt smile on her lips partially eclipsed by the nail she was chewing on.

“Go!” she finally said after a long moment, her voice bright with laughter, waving her arms as if to shoo him away.

“I’m going!”

“Gonna take you a long ass time to get to your house walking backwards.”

The words made him stop and smile as the chilly morning breeze nipped at his arms and face, drenched with the scent of rain, fresh grass, and breaking mornings.

“I’ve got time.”

_______

The Falcon came to a wobbly stop in front of Rey’s house, and Ben sat back on the driver’s seat for a moment, fixing his tie.

With his head on the headrest, he looked out the window to find the afternoon slowly starting to crawl towards twilight, the hues of golden in the sky going warmer by the second. To his right, the dice hanging from the rearview mirror clinked, and he turned towards them, watching sunlight glint off their corners as they dangled and spun.

He smiled as he raised his hand to the dice, cradling them in his palm before he gave them a gentle squeeze.

There was a warm, pleasant breeze blowing when he stepped out of the car, and he ran his hand through his hair as he closed the door behind him, starting to make his way across the lawn.

The front steps creaked when he climbed them two at a time, and then he knocked on the front door, looking down at the lone daisy in his hand as he waited.

“Rey!” Maz yelled as her footsteps approached the door. “Scarf down that sandwich, your boyfriend’s here.”

Ben huffed out a laugh through his nose as the door opened, and smiled down at Maz when she lowered her glasses to inspect him.

“Looking good, kid,” she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Nice knot on that tie. Leia?”

“Obviously,” he replied with a shrug.

Maz chuckled, nodding knowingly.

“Good, good. C’mon in, Rey’s eating.”

“I’m not _eating_ ,” he heard Rey’s voice protest from the kitchen as he stepped into the living room. “Just having a snack.”

When she emerged from the doorway, she was wiping peanut butter off the corner of her mouth, saying something about not having eaten in eons, but Ben didn’t hear a word of it. 

His eyes were fixed on her dress – on the way the silky yellow fabric caught the late afternoon light as she moved; on the way the straight, strapless neckline displayed the splatter of freckles on her chest; at the way its simple silhouette hugged her body like a glove, the curve of her hips making his mouth go painfully dry.

There was a slit, too – a slit that left the golden expanse of her left leg exposed up to the middle of her thigh, and that was precisely what Ben was gawking at when someone called his name.

“Ben?”

His eyes darted up to Rey’s to find her throwing him a quizzical glance, sucking a last bit of peanut butter off her thumb.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” he rasped, clearing his throat as he inched closer to her. “Yeah, you’re… you look…”

“Yeah?” she asked after he spent a little too long staring at her subtly made-up face.

“Beautiful,” he finally said, smiling as their gazes locked. “Perfect.”

He hadn’t realized her shoulders were tense, but they must have been, because they visibly relaxed when she smiled back, eyes flitting across his face.

“You look good. Really good.” She bit her lower lip as she grinned up at him, resting her hands on his chest. “Showered and all.”

With a low chuckle, Ben placed his hands on her waist, leaning down to press a chaste peck to her lips.

“Shut up.”

“Nope,” she replied, smiling against his mouth. “The flower for me?”

“Oh, yeah.” He stood up straight as he raised his hand, spinning the daisy between his forefinger and his thumb. “I know I said no corsage, but… I mean, it’s technically not.”

“I love it,” she murmured, eyes sparkling as they shot down to his hand. “Can you put it in my hair?”

“Where?”

“The back – see the twisty thing?”

His eyes roamed the back of her wavy half updo as she turned her head, pointing at the spot where the thick twists of hair pulled from her temples met.

“Yeah. Want me to stick it in the middle?”

“Not in my living room, please.”

“ _Mom_!” Rey whined, eyes comically wide as they looked towards the living room. “Can you just not?”

“Not a chance,” Ben heard Maz say from behind him. When he turned around, she was sitting on the couch, cradling a cup of tea with a huge grin on her face. “This is way too much fun.”

Rey huffed, tugging at Ben’s hand to make him turn back to her.

“Let’s go, before she calls your mom and starts broadcasting it live.”

“Right,” Ben rasped, clearing his throat before he slid the flower into her hair. “There, looks good.”

“Thanks. Let’s go.” She grabbed his hand, starting to haul him towards the front door as she waved at her mother. “Bye, mom!”

They were in the middle of the front hall when Maz got up, shaking her head, and set the cup down on the coffee table.

“No, no, no, love birds, picture first.”

“ _Mom_ –”

“Don’t _mom_ me, c’mon, stand right there. You’ll thank me one day.”

Ben tugged at Rey’s hand and smiled as she rolled her eyes, clearly biting back a grin. When he pulled her to him, she didn’t resist, though, but nestled against his side instead, smiling brightly when he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“That’s better,” Maz said as she approached them with her Polaroid. “Now stop making goo goo eyes at each other and look at me for a second.”

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Rey whispered as she pretended to fix the lapel of his jacket. “Seize and destroy the camera.”

Ben chuckled, bringing his other hand to her waist, too.

“Deal. When they’re not looking.”

“Good.”

A smile bloomed across her face, making the day around him shine golden, and he couldn’t help but smile back.

Maz didn’t wait for them to look at her before she took the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s kinda the end, guys! I really hope you’re not too disappointed. I know the vast majority of you wanted to know exactly what happened in those 14 years, but at the end of the day the best answer to the question ‘how did Ben become Kylo Ren’ is… he never did. 
> 
> I’m a death of the author kinda girl, so your headcanons are as good as mine, but I see that timeline he was *clears throat* /shown/ as the worst-case-scenario culmination of his life if he hadn’t been able to break that self-destructive pattern. Pushing Rey away to protect her from his behavior (and to inflict pain on himself, of course) would lead him to another wrong decision, and then another, and then another, until he felt like he was too far gone to be forgiven or welcomed back. Add Snoke’s trademark manipulation/emotional abuse/blackmailing to the mix and, bam, you’ve got Kylo Ren – forever madly in love with Rey, forever convinced he had no way back to her. 
> 
> Thankfully, a certain someone was there to help him break the cycle. *wink wink*
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and supporting this story! I’ll be posting chapter 10 tomorrow – it’s an epilogue of sorts showing a glimpse of the future, and rest assured it’s nothing but a big pile of unapologetic fluff. 
> 
> Love your faces!
> 
> ******* An edit from future Tati: how cool is it that Ms. Taylor Swift wrote [ a whole ass song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bdLTPNrlEg)about this fic? So thoughtful of her, being the busy woman she is! Thanks, Tay! Seriously, though, guys... This song. Tears. Ok, bye. *******


	10. The whole world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But the telephone’s singin’, ringin’  
> It’s too early, don’t pick it up  
> We don’t need to  
> We got everything we need right here  
> And everything we need is enough  
> Just so easy  
> When the whole world fits inside of your arms  
> Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?  
> Wake up slow  
> Wake up slow
> 
> [Banana Pancakes,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdgoG8hTMUw) Jack Johnson (2005)

The rain wasn’t falling in heavy sheets, nor did it look like it was going to.

It was just a light drizzle pitter-patting against the large window across the room – the same window that would be showing Ben a peek of the Josefstadt district, hadn’t the view been blurred by thin, gray mist.

The world outside looked cold, but the inside of the apartment was nice and warm. Almost too warm, he thought with a small smile as his gaze drifted over to the bed.

It was alright. Rey liked it like that.

His smile widened when she moved under the covers, grumbling something that sounded vaguely like his name.

“Yes, ma’am?” he said, still leaning against the doorframe.

“Coffee,” he thought he heard her grumble. It was clearer the second time around. “I smell coffee.”

“That’s ‘cause I made coffee.”

“And why is it all the way over there?”

“You can get up and get yours, if you want.” With a shrug, he glanced down at the two mugs he was holding. “Y’know, venture out here. In the wild.”

Rey’s head peeked from below the heavy duvet, her hair in total disarray, and she narrowed her sleepy eyes at him before furrowing her brow.

“Get fucked.”

“Oh, I will,” he said, starting to move towards the bed with a smug smirk. “Big plans today.”

She ran her fingers through her hair as she sat up, a smile dancing around her lips, and cocked an eyebrow at him. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Ben nodded as he reached the edge of the mattress and sat down on the bed, handing Rey her latte. “Taking my roommate out on a date.”

“Oooh, fancy. Special occasion?”

Ben shrugged as he set his own mug down on the nightstand and scooted over closer to her.

“No, not really.” That made Rey snort into her coffee, and he chuckled, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “Just tryna get laid.”

“And what’s your plan?”

“Well.” He shifted on the mattress, caressing her cheekbone as he rested his other hand on her thigh. “I thought I’d start with a stroll down to the Rathauspark.”

“Can’t go wrong with that.” She smiled, licking some froth off her upper lip as she stretched to set her mug down on the end table as well.

“I know, right?” he agreed. “And then maybe keep walking to the Kunsthistorisches. It’s her favorite museum.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good taste. Any food on that date?”

Ben laughed as Rey wrapped her arms around his neck to nuzzle his nose.

“I was thinking I could take her to the Naschmarkt afterwards. Get a nice kebab, buy some fresh fish, veggies. Maybe make her fish en papillote for dinner.”

“Does she like that?”

He nodded solemnly before pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

“It’s her favorite. I could get her some flowers, too. Daisies. She loves those.”

“Sounds like it could get you laid.”

“Solid, right?”

“Yeah.” She was smiling when she brushed her lips against his, carding her fingers through his hair. “There’s one _tiny_ little problem with your plan, though.” _Kiss_. “It’s raining.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. Cold as fuck, too.”

Ben hummed in response, brow furrowed, nibbling pensively on his lower lip.

“Hm. Guess I’ll have to keep her in the apartment, then,” he finally murmured, sliding his hand up Rey’s thigh.

“No fish en papillote?”

“Nope.”

“Yeah chief, looks like no sex for you.”

Biting back a smile, Ben shrugged in feigned resignation.

“Well,” he said as he ran his thumb along her jawline. “Guess I’ll have to fuck my wife instead.”

“You’re _married_?” The bed creaked when Rey leaned back, lips parted in indignation. “Scandalous.”

With a low, warm chuckle, Ben pulled her back to him to nibble on her lower lip.

“Yeah. She’s really hot.”

“And does she have sex with you when you don’t make her fish en papillote?”

“Sometimes, yeah.” Sliding his hand to her nape, he tilted his head, brushing his lips against hers. “Sometimes I have to bribe her with pancakes.”

Rey giggled against his mouth, and he took the opportunity to go looking for her tongue, his fingers sliding eagerly up her cami.

“ _Ben._ ” The gentle pressure of her nails on his scalp made him moan low in his throat. “I haven’t finished my latte.”

“I’ll make you another one.”

“I like that one.”

“I’ll make you pancakes.”

That made her throw her head back laughing, and Ben seized the opportunity to dip down, huge grin on his face, to kiss her neck.

“And will your wife and your roommate be okay with you doing that?” Rey asked, her voice breathy and warm against the shell of his ear.

“I mean.” He started rolling her nipple between his fingers, raising his head to swallow the small moan that escaped her lips. “They’ll understand. Look at your tits.”

Another giggle bubbled out of Rey’s chest, tickling Ben's skin, and he smiled before slotting his mouth over hers.

He kept working on her nipple as he leaned forward, licking into her mouth to drink up the small moans she'd drop into their kiss. The sheets rustled when he coaxed her to lie on her back, his breathing heavy and shallow as he wedged his leg between hers.

“I love you,” he breathed against her lips, grinding his erection against her upper thigh.

She writhed under his body at the pressure, fingernails digging crescents into his shoulders.

“I love you more.”

“Unlikely.”

“Statistically proven.”

Huffing out a laugh, Ben started to trail kisses down her neck. His hand gave her breast a final squeeze before it started to snake down her belly, dipping down towards the waistband of her pajama pants. When his fingers finally reached the skin under her navel, Rey’s hips snapped forward, and a long sigh escaped her lips as she grinded against his thigh, chasing the friction.

Her long, raspy moan was nearly drowned out by the sound of her phone buzzing on the nightstand. 

“Ben…”

“No,” he growled into the crook of her neck. “No fucking way.”

“Poe was supposed to keep me posted on those families we –”

“Poe can get fucked.”

“ _Ben_ ,” she insisted, half sighing, half laughing. “I’m serious.”

“I’m dead serious,” he rasped, kissing his way up the column of her throat. “They can all get fucked. They know we’re MIA today.”

Her breathing was even heavier by the time the phone stopped buzzing, and the sound made Ben smile, kissing the corner of her mouth.

“See?” he breathed. “They’ll –”

His triumph was cut short by the sound of his own phone rattling the other nightstand.

With a deep, murderous growl, he knelt on the bed, pushing his hair back as he reached out to turn off the phone. On seeing the name on the screen, however, he stopped dead, screwing his eyes shut with a long groan.

“What?” Rey asked, pushing up on her elbows.

“It’s my mom.”

Her hand darted up to her mouth, but not in time to stifle an inelegant snort.

“This a joke to you?”

“You’re rock hard.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

With a deep sigh, Ben adjusted the borderline painful erection in his pants as he grabbed the phone.

“It’s a fucking video call,” he grumbled as he sat down on the bed, causing Rey to snort again. “Fuck my life.”

“Here,” she said, crawling towards him to nestle between his bent legs. “Lemme help you out.”

Pressing her ass to his crotch, Rey wiggled her hips as she grabbed the phone, causing a long hiss to fall from Ben’s lips.

“You’re paying for this.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

With a devilish smirk, she pressed a peck to his cheek before accepting the call.

“Hey!” she said with a smile, waving at Leia and Maz.

“Hey, kids! Happy anniversary!” the women said in unison, smiling brightly.

Rey cocked her head before chirping a bright, innocent, “Thanks!”

“Yeah, thanks,” Ben rasped. Clearing his throat, he wrapped his left arm around Rey’s middle, pulling her closer to his chest. “Listen, mom, we were making breakfast, so –”

“Oh, we’ll be quick, honey.”

“Yeah,” Maz agreed with a nod. “We just wanted to let you know the tracking app thing just told us your gift’s about to be delivered, so make sure you don’t start anything you can’t stop in the next half hour, okay?”

“ _Anything_ you can’t stop, hear me Benjamin?” Leia asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Ben pressed his lips to repress a groan, rubbing his closed eyes with his middle finger and his thumb.

“Yeah, mom, yeah. Thanks. Great.”

“You didn’t have to get us anything,” Rey said, her voice bright with laughter, as she rested her head on Ben’s shoulder.

“Oh, it’s just a little something we thought you might like.” With a mischievous smile and a wink, Maz leaned closer to the camera, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “I can see you frowning, Benjamin.”

“I’m not frowning, it’s what my face looks like,” he said, resting his cheek against Rey’s head. “But yeah, you really didn’t have to.”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Smiling, Leia leaned back on the couch, taking a sip from her tea. “You still visiting next month?”

“Yeah.” Rey’s hair tickled Ben’s cheek when she nodded. “And Ben bargained with the big fish, got us an extra week off.”

“That’s perfect sweetheart,” Leia said, cocking her head. “We can’t wait.”

“Neither can we,” Ben said earnestly, smiling into Rey’s hair. “We miss you.”

“We miss you too,” Leia answered with another smile. “Okay, alright, we’ll let you get back to the sex now.”

“ _Leia_ , they’re supposed to wait for the package!”

“Mom!” they whined in unison. Ben groaned, cringing into Rey's hair as she hid her face in his shoulder.

“Breakfast. I meant get back to making breakfast,” Leia huffed, waving her hand dismissively. “Bye, we love you!”

“Love you, too,” Ben sighed with a resigned smile as Rey chuckled into the crook of his neck.

As soon as the screen went black again, he nuzzled against her hairline, the ghost of a smile still on his lips.

“Now, where were we?” he asked, his voice low and rumbly.

“You were gonna make me pancakes,” she murmured, throwing the phone to the side.

“Yeah, but there was something before that.”

“Don’t think so, no,” she purred as she threw her head back, swaying her hips to grind her butt against his crotch.

“Hmm. You sure?” Dragging his nose over the shell of her ear, Ben slid one hand up her cami and the other one down her inner thigh.

“Pretty sure, yeah.”

“Weird,” he whispered, nibbling on her earlobe and tugging at her nipple at the same time. It made her hiss and arch her back, pressing her backside further against his cock. “I was pretty sure I was about to raw you into this mattress until you couldn’t remember your name.”

“Fuck,” she chuffed, digging her fingernails into his thighs. “ _Shit_.”

“That’s more like it.” Vanilla and peppermint flooded his senses when he brushed his lips over her pulse point, and he bit down on the skin there, making Rey hiss again. “Now why don’t you get on all fours for me and let me eat some breakfast?”

Rey hummed as he pinched her nipple again, and was making to kneel on the bed when the doorbell rang.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Ben spat, head snapping towards the bedroom door.

“I’ll go,” Rey sighed. This time around, she was frowning, too. “Poor guy would be able to see that boner from Mars.”

“Thanks,” Ben grumbled, burying his face in his hands as his cock twitched inside his pants.

By the time he heard Rey walk back into the bedroom, a full two minutes of thinking about ingrown nails had managed to make his erection subside considerably – not ideally, but at least enough for it to stop hurting.

“What is it?” he asked, rubbing his eyes one last time before he looked over his shoulder. He found Rey standing in the doorway, haloed by grayish morning light, spinning a small package between her fingers with a furrow between her brows.

“Dunno.” She shrugged, walking back towards the bed. “Wanna open it?”

“Might as well,” he sighed turning around to grab the packet. “C’mere.”

She smiled as she crawled onto his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her as soon as she nestled between his legs.

It took him a moment and a great deal of grunting to tear the brown paper open, and Rey chuckled into the crook of his neck, pressing soft kisses to his skin every now and then.

“Got you, fucker,” he mumbled as the sound of ripping paper filled the room.

When he shook the package, a bubble wrap envelope slid onto his hand, and he tore through it to find a small leather-bound book.

“It’s a book.”

“A book?”

Rey turned her head towards the gift, and Ben pulled her to his chest as he brought it closer to them.

They exchanged one last curious look, shrugging before Ben finally opened the small volume.

On the first page, an old Polaroid picture sat inside a see-through plastic sleeve. It showed a bright red jungle gym standing against the bright blue sky; holding two twelve-year-olds with scraped knees and huge smiles on their faces.

“Did your mom have a copy of that?” Ben asked, narrowing his eyes as he smiled down at the picture.

“Would you put it past her?”

“No,” he chuckled, flipping on to the second page. 

Another picture sat there, showing a slightly older version of them standing by the glistening lake, soaking wet, wrapped in huge fluffy towels as the sunset tinged the sky behind them orange.

“Do you even remember that one?” Rey murmured, her voice mirroring his own amusement.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “When was that?”

“Seventh grade, maybe eighth? I had those awful bangs.”

“They were adorable.”

“They were crooked as fuck.”

Ben laughed as Rey nuzzled against his neck, her cheek soft and warm against his shoulder.

“Are these…” He furrowed his brow as he flipped through the pages, eyes scanning pictures of them playing video games in Rey’s living room; smiling brightly next to each other in goofy Christmas jumpers; sitting on the curb holding ice cream cones that were starting to melt and drip down the back of their hands. “Are these _all_ pictures of us?” 

“There must be, like… dozens of them.”

“A hundred, at least,” he said, tilting the album to check its thickness. “Did your mom really take that many?”

“Looks like it, yeah,” Rey chuckled. “God, look, you were so cute.”

“I looked like a goblin.”

“You looked like a prince.” Ben could feel her smile against his skin as she pressed a kiss to his jaw. “And now you look like a fuckable redwood.”

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Yup,” she chirped, sitting up to take a better look at the pictures. “Aw, look! Prom!”

“This one I remember. God, you looked gorgeous.” As he ran his fingers over the edges of the polaroid, his eyes roamed lazily over the picture, drifting from Rey’s smile to the daisy in her hair; from the splatter of freckles on her shoulders to the way her bright yellow dress hugged her hips. “And I looked like a lovesick idiot.”

“You looked hot as fuck,” Rey said, caressing his face absentmindedly, eyes fixed on the photo. “Can’t believe it took me a whole month to jump you. Self-control queen.”

Ben huffed out a laugh through his nose before he kept going through the pictures, face leaning into her touch.

“Can you believe that was fourteen years ago?”

“No,” Rey whispered, shifting on his lap. “It feels like it was yesterday.”

It hadn’t been yesterday, though, as the countless pictures Ben was flipping through were ready to attest. 

On the pages before him, they were smiling, standing proudly in their graduation caps; and then they were sitting at Ben’s kitchen table, incredulous looks on their faces as they held their acceptance letters; and then Rey was laughing so hard tears were rolling down her face as Ben tried to shove her into a huge carton box; and then they were looking at the camera, holding each other in their off-campus one bedroom apartment, the tiny living room around them crammed with huge brown boxes labelled in their handwriting.

Ben kept on going through dozens of pictures, unaware of the fact that there were tears pooling in his eyes until Rey wiped one of them away.

She shifted on his lap to straddle him, wrapping her arms firmly around his neck. When he looked up at her, her eyes were glistening, too.

“I love you,” she whispered, pressing her forehead to his. “So fucking much.”

He set the photo album down on the bed before splaying both hands on the small of her back to pull her to his body.

“I love you more,” he breathed, smiling as he leaned forward to capture her lips.

“We didn’t make it to the wedding pictures,” she whispered, pulling his lower lip between hers.

“We’ll look at them later.” Wrapping his hands around Rey’s waist, Ben lifted her up effortlessly, kissing her as he laid her down on her back. “When I’m making pancakes. Right after your nap on the couch. Or before I fuck you again. And again. And again. Several options there.”

Rey chuckled softly, wrapping her legs around his hips, and Ben smiled at her, brushing a lock of hair away from her face.

“Sounds good?” he asked, nuzzling her nose.

“Exceptional,” she whispered, grinning up at him before she pulled him down into a kiss. 

And Ben – Ben kissed her back unhurriedly, and undressed her unhurriedly, and worshipped her unhurriedly, taking his time to pepper her face with kisses, telling her how beautiful she was.

He traced the constellations of freckles on her skin with his fingers and his lips and his tongue, having spent so many years memorizing her body he could draw every single one of them to perfection with his eyes closed.

He lost himself in her, and she lost herself in him, both knowing that whatever it was that they were losing wasn’t lost at all, but simply going back home.

Outside the window, a thin drizzle kept falling, making the streets of Vienna glisten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they lived happily ever after. =)
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for giving this fic a chance and for being so incredibly supportive throughout the whole process! Also, thank you for being so cool about my plot choices/my ‘A Christmas Carol’ take on the story. I know there were several different ways I could have ended this fic, but from the very first outline I had my heart set on giving Ben and Rey those 14 years back. I just can’t bring myself to write anything but cheesy, sappy, saccharine happy endings (especially not after TRoS), because these lonely, broken babies deserve every second of happiness they can possibly get in every single universe. 
> 
> If you liked this story, feel free to check out my other [works](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartSabers/works) and maybe come talk to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/HeartSabers) ! I’ll probably be taking a break from writing right now, but if a prompt catches my eye and I end up tripping and accidentally writing something else, that’s where I’ll let you guys know.
> 
> Love your faces!


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